I would give an example of what I’m talking about if I knew the name of a single current pop star. Instead I will have to describe it.
I hear these shitty songs at the gym or at stores all the time. You know the ones, they are generic, soulless “R&B” hits that sound like they are sung by C3PO. I think Kanye West did an entire album as a robot, if I’m not mistaken. I wish I was mistaken.
Not only does this studio technique sound ridiculous, but it also illustrates the utter lack of a single creative or original thought in modern popular music. But now you say in a whiny voice, “pop music is always like that, no matter what decade you are talking about,” to which I reply, “shut up, even when I’m wrong I’m probably right.” Either way, it’s fucking annoying to listen to while I’m blasting my pecs and pumping my quads. Plus, I am genuinely concerned that robots are taking over the world.
I really could have just titled this post “The hats worn by Pearl Jam’s Jeff Ament” and been done with it, but I didn’t want to cheat you out of my hilarious musings.
What is it with old white guys in shitty bands and their love affair with backwards Kangol, berets and other random dumb hats? Obviously a high percentage of these turds (especially Jeff Ament) wear these silly things in a sad attempt to fool the audience* into thinking a wild mane of thick, luxurious hair is waiting to spring forth from its hat cage. Unfortunately we all know the truth.
I can almost forgive the bald guys, but what’s really upsetting are the guys who actually think they look “cool” and youthful because they are rocking a beret. I think in their minds it’s sort of like the cliche of the bookish secretary who needs only to let down her hair and remove her glasses to suddenly look like a porn star. These guys come home after a long casual Friday, pop on the T-shirt/blazer combo, carefully place the Kangol hat at just the right angle that says “whatever man, I’m just hangin'” and, ta-da, the transformation from working stiff to rock star is complete!
I really take comfort in being better than everyone.
*audience = 5 people from their office who had to attend because they have run out of excuses.
I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
When Sammy Hagar started his Cabo Wabo tequila brand I thought, “Well, that makes sense, he’s a hard drinking rock star.” You know, honestly I didn’t think anything when I heard Sammy Hagar was starting a tequila company. It’s not really one of those moments we all remember collectively and share over beers. “Where was I when I heard the ‘Red Rocker’ was starting Cabo Wabo? I will never forget that day. I just finished my fourth helping of bread sticks at Olive Garden when our server, Dakota, said ‘yo ya’ll hear-ed Tammy Hanger takilla company maked?’ It was a very powerful moment.”
Sure, Sammy Hagar took one of the most awesome bands ever, ripped its dick off and made it suck dog ass, but I can at least picture him throwing up enough tequila to cover the floor of a mid-sized bathroom. Justin Timberlake, on the other hand… what the hell is he doing launching his own brand of tequila? I could see Timberlake wine coolers maybe, but tequila? I just hate him so fucking much!
I tried to resist talking about these two but they are making it impossible! Chris Brown is obviously a huge, steaming pile of donkey turd. Who the fuck is he anyway? Is he a rapper? I can’t tell anymore, everyone looks like a rapper. Do I even need to go into detail about Chris Brown’s epic level of douchebaggery? Let’s move on.
What’s even more insane is that Rihanna is prancing around with this asshole acting like nothing happened. They’re living it up in Miami on jet skiis, partying with Puff Diddy and even working on a song together. Does she remember when he was beating the shit out of her and trying to THROW HER OUT OF A MOVING CAR? If I forget to take the recycling out I hear about it for a week.*
I honestly don’t know who I’m more disgusted with in this scenario. They are both such great role models. I’m burning my Chris Brown and Rihanna CDs! Do they still make CDs?
*this is an exaggeration in an attempt to make this post more awesome and hilarious. I actually only hear about it for a couple hours.
I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today’s post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. “Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?” I thought as the world turned dark and blurry.
I woke up in the hospital (which is where I’m writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from “an overwhelming amount of sucky shit.”
*I think I stole the “barf bag” description of Dicky Barrett’s vocal style from a review I read years ago.
I want to hate Ryan Seacrest so bad! I want the sight of his face to make poop involuntarily explode from my ass. I’m not sure why I would want that to happen now that I think of it. Let’s just say every cell in my body tells me to hate this turd but I can’t do it. I LIKE RYAN SEACREST and I want the world to know it!
You know what, good for him for realizing his only talent is being a bland nice guy and making a career of it. If there was a computer programmed to create humans and you instructed it to create the absolute least offensive person possible it would shoot out Ryan Seacrest. On paper that sounds like reason enough to hate him but it’s not. There are plenty of bland celebrities worthy of your anger but they are offensively boring. Ryan is just lovably boring.
So who’s offensively bland? People like Pete Wentz, Jay Leno and Gwen Stefani are aggressively boring to me whereas Ryan is just lovably middle-of-the-road. He’s smart too. He stays out of trouble and works hard at being America’s nice guy. It’s making him rich and making me fall in love with him.
I went to see “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and not only was I punished for this decision by having to sit through it, I now have a cold that I undoubtedly caught from one of the many mouth-breathers who made up the audience of cackling idiots. Just when I thought the day was winding down and I could drift off to sleep on the couch I accidentally turned on the Grammys. What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Do you remember the first time you saw footage of that Vietnamese solider shooting that Vietcong guy in the head? Remember watching this man die right on the street, blood pouring from his head? Take that horrible, disgusting, soul-crushing feeling and multiply it by approximately 523,038 and you will know how I felt seeing the Jonas Brothers shitting their shit all over “Superstition” while poor Stevie jammed along with them obliviously. Who is responsible? Who could do this to Stevie? Did they tell him it was Radiohead or The White Stripes? Taking advantage of a blind man like that makes me sick. SICK!
I mean that’s the only way Stevie Wonder would ever perform with the Jonas Brothers, right?
