I barely know who AKON is and I would like to keep it that way. I think he might be one of those guys who sings with the robot voice but I could not name one song by him. Are they really even songs?
So why would I put this young man on my list? You might think it’s because his music sucks but there is so much bad music out there I would never have time to complain about all of it. You might think it’s because he got kicked off Gwen Stefani’s tour and dropped by Verizon after dry humping a 15 year old on stage but no. AKON is on my list because of a quick interview with him that I saw today on the morning “news.” He was explaining how he writes/records/mixes songs with ringtones in mind. Seriously, this turd was explaining how when he is mixing tracks in the studio he will listen back on a cell phone to hear how they will sound as a ringtone. As I type this I am so full of rage I might have to punch myself in the face! A CELL PHONE! FUCK OFF!
Could you imagine telling The Clash, The Who, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Pixies, The Ramones, The Replacements (insert awesome band here) that they had to tailor their songs to sound good on a cell phone speaker the size of a grain of rice? I’m guessing even Weird Al would tell you to go fuck yourself.
My complaint about the FreeCreditReport.com “Pirate” commercial is really a back-handed compliment I guess. That fucking song gets stuck in my head and hangs out in there well past its welcome. The party has cleared, the music has been turned off, I’m doing dishes and that stupid jingle is still hanging out on my brain couch. Leave already you dick!
I have every word of this commercial memorized and often find myself humming it. It used to only happen just after seeing the ad but now it will pop into my head at all hours of the day or night. Weather permitting, I ride a scooter and due to the lack of radio and my borderline OCD brain I will often have one song loop over and over in my mind for an entire 2 hour ride. Sadly I will catch myself singing “They say a man should always dress for the job he wants, so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant…” over and over until I force another song in my head.
In case you care, which you don’t, the guy in the commercial is some Canadian singer/songwriter/actor named Eric Violette. I’m guessing poor Eric gets recognized and then promptly punched in the balls at least 4 times daily. That’s an average of 2 punches per ball, per day.
Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.
Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.
I hate this song, I hate the video, I hate Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder bugs the shit out of me.
Pearl Jam is one of those bands that I know everyone loves but I simply do not get. If I try to listen to Pearl Jam I might as well be listening to static or white noise. I hear nothing. I understand why people like certain bands that I despise but Pearl Jam confuses me. For example, I can’t stand Fall Out Boy but I can at least understand why 10 year olds and the mildly retarded find it appealing. Pearl Jam, on the other hand, is so bland that I hear nothing.
I hear nothing unless it’s “Jeremy” then I hear my own brain begin to boil. I hear my ears trying to rip themselves from my head. I HATE this song.
And can someone tell the bass player we know he’s bald so he can stop wearing those dumb hats?
WOW, did I ever just witness something! I didn’t even realize the Smashing Pumpkins were still a band when I was offered a free ticket (a very good ticket) tonight. I figured it would at least be decent. It’s their 20th anniversary and I live in Chicago, their friggin’ hometown.
Instead, myself and a thousand other EXTREMELY patient fans were treated to the most bloated, self-indulgent, egomaniacal, boring, never-ending guitar solo, jamming, noodle fest. This was big baby Billy Corgan’s official “fuck you” to the people who supported him for 20 years. He was downright rude and unbelievably arrogant throughout the entire concert. We had to suffer through 30-minute songs and 15-minute guitar solos. The audience was given thumbs down by Billy when he asked us to sing “Today” and apparently it wasn’t to his liking. Billy proclaimed himself to be the “king of rock and roll” and “the god of metal” and then challenged us to “die for rock and roll.” Fuck off. We had to watch him play the fucking kettle drums for 15 minutes before they finally ended the show with a chorus of Kazoos. Ha ha, fuck you audience! They refused to play any recognizable songs. When the audience became restless, Billy said “Last time I checked we were an alternative band.” Check again Billy, you are playing an expensive show in one of the swankiest theaters in the country and the audience is made up of 40 year olds who arrived from the suburbs in minivans.
I’m not a super fan so I actually thought it was entertaining to watch Billy act like a big baby all night but I genuinly felt bad for the people who paid a lot of money to watch a rich kid have a temper tantrum. It was the most ridiculous concert I have ever seen.
When I saw Lil’ Wayne’s amazing guitar solo this past Saturday on SNL I just about peed my pants with excitement. This has got to be the saddest/funniest moment in the history of the guitar. You’ve got to love that nobody in his band had the balls to say, “Lil’, what’s the fucking deal with the guitar solo? Stop and never ever ever do that again.”
His guitar playing is so horrific it almost makes the rest of this crap song sound better. Doe anyone remember when music was good? I don’t. If you have not already seen this, please enjoy the world’s worst guitar solo!
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
Here’s the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the “Claymaniacs,” and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let’s take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and “just knew” Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs
I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, “why do you care so much, it really is nobody’s business.” I was sitting there thinking to myself “FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken.” DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, “Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I’m Clay Aiken right?”
I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
