Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!
Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.
I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”
What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.
Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?
Can somebody please tell super honkies Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale that they are NOT Jamaican? First they name one kid “Kingston” and now these turds can be seen pushing baby “Zuma Nesta Rock” around in a $1,500 stroller all over the mean streets of Beverly Hills. They act like they conceived these kids while on a weed break down at the steel drum factory.
In case you don’t watch the news, “Nesta” is Bob Marley’s real first name that was later switched to his middle name. Hey, I like Bob Marley too, what white person from the suburbs doesn’t own his greatest hits? If Gwen and Gavin REALLY want to prove they are the reggae fanatics they pretend to be I expect their next child to be named “Perry Toots Cliff Dekker Paragon Upsetter Stafani-Rossdale.”
Stop being such show off dickheads with the baby names already and name your next kid “Bob” or “Jill.” We get it, you’re cooler than normal people.
I wish I could remember why these two idiots are even famous. Weren’t they in a ska Nirvana cover band or something? They are so painfully boring I can barely continue to type… sleepy… so sleepy…
Have you ever witnessed something so insanely stupid that you were convinced the government was doing an experiment on you? All you can do is cringe and look for the hidden cameras. This happens to me about once a day.
While at the muffler shop I overheard a discussion between two mechanics that made me want to grab an acetylene torch and weld my ears closed. “Hotel California” by the Eagles was playing over the shitty shop radio and mechanic #1 was about to pee his pants with excitement. You see, mechanic #1 had some sort of inside secret about this song that he could not wait to share with mechanic #2. Luckily for me, I was able to eavesdrop while pretending to read a copy of People magazine from 2005 – did you know Paris and Nicole’s friendship is on the rocks?
Mechanic #1 “Dude, do you know what this song is really about?”
Mechanic #2 “Hotels?”
Mechanic #1 “No. Dude, it’s about heart surgery.”
Mechanic #2 “Huh? I’m pretty sure it’s about a hotel in California, the cover of the album has a hotel…”
Mechanic #1 “SILENCE! It is about surgeons operating on a dude with heart cancer. Just listen.”
Mechanic #1 proceeded to present his flawless theory like this…
“Mirrors on the ceiling” = operating room
“The pink champagne on ice” = blood
“And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device” = ?
“And in the master’s chambers” = still the operating room
“They gathered for the feast” = gathering for surgery
“They stab it with their steely knives” = heart cancer surgery
“But they just can’t kill the beast” = dude, you can’t kill cancer
Surprisingly, or maybe not, mechanic #2 seemed to agree with this this guy and was kind of having an “ah ha” moment like how could he have been so stupid to miss the real meaning of the song all the years. I guess, like mechanic #1, he had forgotten about the other 95% of the lyrics.
Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?
Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?
OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?
Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”
“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”
“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”
VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.
Let me start by saying this, Johnny Cash is the coolest person who ever walked the earth. It is impossible to be cooler than Johnny Cash. Hey, you know who is less cool than Johnny Cash? Justin fucking Timberlake. You know who’s less cool than my uncle’s balls? Justin-fucking-god-damn-Timberlake. This is why I almost threw my TV out the window and set myself on fire when I saw Justine’s douchebag face in a Johnny Cash tribute video. Fuck off! Justin Timberlake isn’t worthy to smell Johnny Cash’s farts. I’m not so sure Cash isn’t climbing out of his grave at this very moment on the way to kick his ass.
Can we all stop pretending we need to take this prancing, boy band, Michael Jackson rip off, ass wad seriously? I realize it’s cool to prove how ironic you are by playing his crap music at your lame party but enough is enough. You’ve had your fun, now go back to playing music you actually like and your friends want to hear. Your mustache is enough to let us know how ironically awesome you are. Just look at that picture of him, do you think “The Man in Black” wants this turd and his pube hair in one of his videos? Do you think Johnny Cash would be whistling “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” to himself if he were alive?
Johnny Cash could not be more opposite of Justin Timberlake. Cash was the real deal, he was as honest as they come. When he sings about pain you feel pain. When he sings about love you feel love. When he sings about drugs you feel high. No focus group was telling Johnny Cash what to do or how to dress and if you asked him to make an appearance on TRL to promote his new single he would have kicked you in the balls and snorted cocaine off your tears.
There will never be another Johnny Cash but there will always be another Justin Timberlake. You’re stinking up my list Timberlake!
I realize an adult taking the time to complain about Miley Cyrus is ridiculous but she started this war when she decided to steal the idea of angry list making from me! Until today, when I ACCIDENTALLY watched the new Miley Cyrus video “7 Things I Hate About You,” the little knowledge I had of this girl came from the times I ACCIDENTALLY watched TMZ (every day). I assumed her music was annoying but man, this video upset me and made me cry. It is THAT bad! Why is she unable to count to 4 in rhythm with the drummer and why is she saying “shaaa” to me? What “previous relationship” is she singing about anyway, isn’t she like 9 years old?
FART!
Here are the 7 things I hate about Miley Cyrus:
1. The fact that I know her name.
2. The fact that I know both of her names.
3. Her overuse of the peace sign. Peace Y’all!
4. The fact that she was created from the demon seed of Billy Ray Cyrus.
5. The way she and her dad tried to act like they were tricked into those “topless” photos. Shut up already.
6. Her douche bag band. Quit jumping around, have you heard the song you’re playing?
7. The fact that she makes more money than me.
I dare you to watch this video all the way through. I’ve only been able to about 5 or 10 times – PEACE!
Just when I thought I could not hate Chris Martin and his sorry-excuse-for-Radiohead band Coldplay more, they start dressing like The Police circa Synchronicity. Do these buttholes ever have a single original idea?
Where do you start with this tool? How about his crap band? Coldplay is about as interesting as a blank piece of paper. Chris Martin can write all the shit he wants all over his arms and hands (stolen from Eddie Vedder) but that won’t change the fact that his songs are blander than white noise.
Gwyneth Paltrow can suck it too. How do you like this one… they even stole their daughter’s name, Apple, from Coldplay’s agent who already had a child named Apple. This asshole can’t even name his own baby! Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have got to be the two least interesting people on the planet and together they become one super boring blob of shit that bores you to death.
Oh, by the way, don’t make the mistake of asking this jerk about his music or he’ll teach you a lesson. How dare this BBC interviewer ask him about his music? I mean come on dude, you have one of the most important human beings that has ever lived sitting in your studio and you choose to ask him ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM?!? You IDIOT!!! You’re lucky Chris Martin didn’t telepathically make your head explode, he can do that you know.
I hate that I even know who John Mayer is and I especially hate that I know at any given moment which Hollywood dipshit he’s dating. I just got the shivers.
Let’s start with Jennifer Aniston. OK first of all Rachel, you and Ross were ON A BREAK! You can’t hold the fact that he screwed that copy girl over his head forever. Hello?!? Ross is your soul mate! Listen Rachel, I understand your relationship has been a real roller coaster and it seems like you’re always stuck in second gear but if you want a future with Ross, I mean REALLY want it, then you are going to have to forgive him. Whose shoulder did you cry on after leaving Barry on your wedding day? What about when you were banging Paolo, did Ross hold it against you? How about when you were with Joey? Joey for Christ’s sake! Who’s name did Ross say at the altar during his wedding to Emily? He said Rachel. Rachel, it was always you.
OK Mayer, it’s your turn. First let me say you are a douche bag. I don’t actually know much about this guy and I’m trying to keep it that way HOWEVER it’s almost impossible not to not absorb useless information if you own a TV and have ever been on the internet. I don’t know if I have ever heard more than 2 John Mayer songs but that’s plenty thank you very much. I heard him butcher “Sweet Home Chicago” when Conan O’Brien did his show from Chicago. Side Note: Way to go Conan, you’re in Chicago, the Home of the Blues and fucking John Mayer is your choice to perform Sweet Home Chicago? Nice one idiot. Anyway, the second John Mayer song I heard was actually this morning on the radio. I thought it was some unearthed Stevie Ray Vaughn reject track but it turns out it was John Mayer doing his best SRV copy. He must have learned the blues while roaming the mean streets of the Berklee College of Music wondering where he’s going to score his next Jamba Juice fix.
I don’t even remember what I’m talking about anymore. Oh yeah, who gives a shit about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.
Can we all stop pretending we need to take this prancing, boy band, Michael Jackson rip off, ass wad seriously? I realize it’s cool to prove how ironic you are by playing his crap music at your lame party but enough is enough. You’ve had your fun, now go back to playing music you actually like and your friends want to hear. Your mustache is enough to let us know how ironically awesome you are. Just look at that picture of him, do you think “The Man in Black” wants this turd and his pube hair in one of his videos? Do you think Johnny Cash would be whistling “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” to himself if he were alive?
