Under the best of circumstances I rarely feel whimsical. I hate precious whimsy and I hate effervescent French clowns who run around spewing their made-up jolly language all over wide-eyed suburbanites who happily pay $100 to sit on their fat asses in a tent and watch miniature Chinese slave girls throw each other around with their tiny doll-sized feet.
Did I say I rarely feel whimsical? I meant to say I NEVER feel whimsical. It’s this lack of whimsy that prevents me from pissing my Dockers with excitement when the gay Cirque du Soleil clowns pull some “dad” from the audience and suddenly Mr. Pretend Audience Guy can fly across the tent, powered only by the warmth of his heart. Is it possible to groan so hard that you pass out? And don’t give me any of this, “Why can’t you leave your troubles at the door and see the world through the eyes of a child?” First of all, this stupid tent has no doors, and secondly, prepare your balls for the kicking of a lifetime.
The second worst thing about Cirque du Soleil is the way they keep repackaging the exact same show over and over by simply throwing some new bullshit meaningless name like “Zeedoo” across the marquee. “Oh, Zeedoo is totally different than Pü. In Zeedoo the contortionists are tortured Chinese girls and in Pü they are tortured Romanian girls.”
So what’s the worst thing about Cirque du Soleil? They gave this fuck face a job. If that doesn’t suck the whimsy out of you, nothing will.
Just when I thought it was impossible to make wraps suck any more, McDonald’s has decided to shove a Big Mac up my wrap hole. I’m picturing the people in charge of developing new “food” at McDonald’s slumped in their chairs and just sort of lazily tossing crap from the garbage onto a table and saying “Um, I don’t know, I guess I would eat it if I was forced to. Steve, what do you think? I’m too drunk to care.” What’s next? Big Mac milkshake? Just toss some chocolate chips on that sucker – BOOM – meat cookies!
I also really love it when food brags that it’s made from FOOD! Congratulations Big Mac, your beef is made from beef. Way to go Easy Cheese, you’re made from cheese. Honestly though, I think most Americans would be just as happy to eat a Big Mac if it advertised “Made with some meat.”
OK, tonight is my last night of packing before my official move this Saturday so I’m going to keep this short. Mostly I’m keeping it short because I’m not sure what I’m seeing right now on my TV. Why is fat Steven Seagal running around arresting people for selling crack? Is he a real cop? Was I in a coma for 20 years?
I have watched about 15 minutes of this insanity and I have never felt more confused. In fact, as I write this, officer Seagal is talking “ghetto” to some black kid with a gun but he sounds like my dad trying to imitate Richard Pryor. Awwww baby, ya dig?
I immediately was reminded of the brilliant television pilot for “Lookwell,” created by Conan O’brien and Robert Smigel. In the show, which never made it past the pilot stage, Adam West plays Ty Lookwell, a washed-up actor who once starred in a bad 70s detective show. The problem is he now thinks he’s an actual detective thanks to an honorary crimestopper badge given to him in 1972. Funny, right? Well this crazy plot seems to be the EXACT concept behind “Steven Seagal Lawman” with the only difference being “Lookwell” was a COMEDY!
You seriously should take a 22-minute break and watch this pilot episode of Lookwell, Adam West is a fucking genius in it.
If I am to believe this bus ad for Credit Union 1, I have to ignore everything I have learned from over 3 decades of pornographic magazines and movies. These credit union jerks actually want me to be impressed by this woman’s “figure!” They actually want men to get HORNY from this? I mean sure, I love to see a woman in a red blazer from Dress Barn (I am a man) but this angry mom is not doing it for me. I’m not saying she’s real-life ugly but she’s hot-girl-in-an-ad ugly. And these jokers want to be in charge of MY financial future?
I don’t even know what to say about this billboard for Wheels of Chicago. The first time I saw it I was so bewildered that I accidentally kept driving until I woke up in an IHOP parking lot in Jackson Mississippi. I have no memory of driving there and could not tell you why I was no longer wearing pants. Luckily for you I got a solid C- in high school Spanish and should be able to translate this for you. Basically it says “Are you homeless? Do you smear your feces on your face? Bad credit? We don’t give a shit, we’ll sell you a car poo face!”
Have you ever seen anything more disgusting than former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins posing nude without being airbrushed in Photoshop? I seriously think I’m going to be sick. I had no idea a human being could be so grotesque!
I caught this vapid idiot bragging about her achievement in humility on some morning talk show and I immediately flew into a rage hurricane and spilled Count Chocula all over my favorite Barenaked Ladies T-shirt.
The best part about this madness is that she’s doing this to promote The Butterfly Foundation, which is “dedicated to changing the culture, policy and practice in the prevention and treatment of eating disorders.” In other words, this incredibly skinny supermodel posed “nude” in a professional studio with professional lighting and professional styling to make girls with eating disorders feel better about their shitty bodies. That’s like playing golf with Tiger Woods to make yourself feel better about your own golf skills, or watching Tiger Woods fuck porn stars to make yourself feel better about the slobs you go home with. (My hilarious comedy is topical!)
I mean, take a look at these photos of Jennifer Hawkins naked and tell me if it makes you feel more confident about that nightmare you call your body. Not to mention the fact that she’s so skinny she could wear a wristwatch as a belt. With all those ribs popping out you’d think she was an American Apparel model. If I was a young girl I would start barfing up every meal too.
I give up. What in the fucking fuck is going on? I honestly don’t know what is worse, a lamb born with a human face or a straight edge douchewad with tribal earrings and a fucking Adam Duritz back tattoo. For once, I am speechless. I need you to decide for me while I drink myself to death.
I sat down today to write about how I am always tricked by the intro to songs by the band Chicago. What I mean is that a song by Chicago will come on the radio and I will think “Oh this must be that one song by Chicago that I like” but then after the intro it will start sucking and I reach for the dial. At least that’s what I thought, until tonight.
I’ve been combing through Youtube clips trying to find songs to support this important theory but I keep finding songs that are good all the way through. I thought I nailed it with “Feeling Stronger Everyday” but realized I kind of like the whole song.
This might not seem important to you, but it has really shaken me to my core. I have spent the last few decades HATING the band Chicago and now, in the blink of an eye, I like them. Imagine if you were molested by your uncle and then 20 years later you suddenly thought, “You know what, that was fun.” That’s how I feel right now.
Now let’s not get crazy though, I’m only talking about 70s Chicago. 80s Chicago is horrendous. In fact, shove this piece of shit in your head holes. Take special note of two things while watching this. First notice the douche in the beginning of the clip who is way overly excited when he realizes what song they are starting to play. He turns to his big-breasted date and yells “YEAH” with enthusiasm that most men save for touchdowns and killer putts. Not to mention the fact that he’s wearing some bullshit, tucked-in, corporate logo shirt AND a giant class ring. Shit, I should have just written the whole post about this turd. The second thing to look for is the woman in the audience at the 0:37 mark who hears what song it is and promptly decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. I like that the song inspires her to go take a dump while over in the 4th row that other guy is crying tears of joy all over his girlfriend’s cleavage and single red rose.
Oh my God, this clip is PAINFUL! Are any original band members even in this clip?
What the hell was this post even about? I need more beers.
Congratulations Bud Light, you made a beverage that technically is drinkable. (slow clap)
Let’s not waste any time debating whether or not Bud Light is, in fact, drinkable. Clearly it is not. It’s one small step above poison and one giant leap below walrus diarrhea. Instead, I would like to discuss the saddest tag line in the history of advertising.
Bud Light is essentially saying to you “Hey, at least you can drink it without dying.” Let me ask you this tough guy, would you feel confident eating at a restaurant who proudly boasted “Jimbo’s Pizza, it’s edible.” How about “Potato Town, our food can safely be crammed down your throat.” Perhaps you would buy a car from Ford if they proclaimed “Basically it pretty much drives.”
The real question is, what the fuck are you doing drinking Bud Light in the first place? Why bother drinking at that point? I’m embarrassed for you, broski.
