A wave of panic just came over me because I realized this post is going to SUCK!
While I sat alone in my car eating dark chocolate Hersey’s Kisses this afternoon (yeah, it’s a lonely life) I watched this lady struggle for about 4 minutes with her windshield sun visor. It would go up, wiggle around a little, then come back down. I watched this happen for about 1/2 a bag of Kisses. For the record, I go to the gym a few times a week, so I’m fucking allowed to eat a bag of chocolate by myself in a parking lot if I want. What makes your life so perfect? Huh? Huh? You want a piece of me?*
Anyhoo… this dipshit probably spent more time setting up this visor then than she spent in the drug store picking up adult diapers and a box of Shamwows. Hey, I just thought of something… Shamwow Diapers!
What is the point of this? The point is, it wasn’t even hot today!
God, this is a dumb post. I promise after a little weekend rest I will stop sucking so much.
*Said while pulling off shirt and spitting dark chocolate
In case you can’t see where Calvin has decided to aim his pee this time, it says “Bin Laden.” That little scamp just loves to piss on things!
I’m sure this turd likes to fancy himself as a classic American tough guy, but is wishing that a toddler would urinate on a the man who masterminded the biggest terrorist attack on American soil all that hardcore? Is that the best you’ve got?
OK Osama, this child has clearly emptied his bladder on you while maintaining his trademark devil-may-care attitude, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you promise to stop blowing things up? Don’t make me sic Dennis the Menace on your ass! I will NOT HESITATE to bounce a basketball off your forehead, just try me!
Not to mention, Bin Laden is soooooo 2001. He could barely even make it onto TMZ at this point. It’s a all about Heidi and Spencer now. HELLOOOOOOOOOO!
“To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us then maybe Jesus did to some people. I think they are both about even, they are both icons.”
Well put dumb-ass, now promise me you will never have children or be responsible for anything living, ever. Don’t buy a hamster or even a house plant. Just sit quietly in your La-Z-Boy, eat pizza-flavored Combos and watch “Jon and Kate Plus 8” until you die.
I’ve already discussed idiots who think they see Jesus in their food, but at least their holy discoveries kind of look like Jesus. This tree stump looks suspiciously like a tree stump. Is this an elaborate joke being played on me? I can’t see ANYTHING that resembles ANYTHING in this Stockton, California tree stump. God, I hate these people.
Michael Jackson rant #2
Did you see the news coverage of today’s memorial service at the Staples Center? All the newscasters were speaking in gentle hushed tones about Michael Jackson and his life. Fuck off, these are the same people who lived to tear him down and exploit any strange thing he did. Too late to play nice, assholes. Yes, Jackson was a weird guy but the media’s relentless condemnation of him helped make him that way.
Michael Jackson rant #3
What could have been the most touching and emotional moment during the memorial was ruined by the Jackson family’s never-ending inclination to “perform.” Michael’s daughter Paris attempted to express her love for her father but was quickly schooled by 50 Jacksons about mic technique. The poor kid literally disappeared in a sea of Jackson hands while trying to say a heart-felt goodbye to her dad. They were telling her to “speak up” while taking turns jamming the mic in her little face. It’s hard enough to speak at your father’s funeral, especially when it’s in a fucking stadium, without being told you are doing it wrong. Watch it here
I once ordered an edamame appetizer at one of these pretentious restaurants and when the waitress brought six individual soybeans to our table a single tear fell from my eye, because I realized I just paid $13 for six soybeans. The next time I went to this restaurant I noticed the menu now included “One soybean seasoned with a single tear.” Clearly they had stolen this idea from me.
Take your tiny, pretentious dollhouse-sized food and shove it up your oh-so-hip ass. Do you realize some of these places actually sell scented air. AIR! My grandfather did not storm the beach at Normandy so some turd in a $300 T-shirt could eat one grain of sea salt with a side of almond-scented air. And don’t even get me started on molecular gastronomy. Don’t!
I’m not happy after a meal unless I feel like I might die. I want to feel HEAR my stomach struggling to sort through all the meat and fat I just crammed down my greasy mouth. A meal really isn’t worth eating unless you need to shower immediately afterward.
Last night got a way from me and I didn’t get a chance to share my brilliance with the world. So this morning I decided in honor of the upcoming celebration of America’s independence, that I would simply post the “America, Fuck Yeah” song from Team America: World Police. Well, since I could not find it in under 1 minute on Youtube, I gave up. That’s the spirit! That’s the American way! However, I did find this clip. I think it speaks for itself. Either that or it says nothing, I can’t decide.
Oh, hi corn, it’s nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since the BBQ. Did you enjoy your trip through my body?
Remind me again why I even bother eating corn-on-the-cob. I don’t even like the way it tastes that much and I hate the way it gets stuck between my teeth. Then, corn has the audacity, the arrogance, the fucking GALL to just scoot right through me without doing shit. Literally! Ooooh, I get so mad when I see those perfect, little, yellow kernels glaring up at me from the toilet. I can almost see their tiny middle fingers raised high in my direction.
You really can’t say that you’ve made anything of your life until your likeness appears on someone’s fingernails. You think you’re the shit because your dumb face is on a T-shirt? Bullshit, call me when some chick is walking around with your smiling mug on her disgusting fingernails.
(STOP THE PRESSES – I just saw a commercial for some fat ass dating show on Fox. It’s a fat guy looking for love from a group of fat chicks standing on reinforced bleachers. Mark my words, the world will end by November.)
OK, sorry about that… This is one of those subjects that makes a little barf come up. I am endlessly fascinated by what some people accept as “fashionable.” I mean, there are thousands of women walking around RIGHT NOW with palm trees, dolphins, tigers and flowers painted on their long fingernails. No, these women were not abducted at gunpoint and forced to do such a thing. Nope, these crazies paid for this insanity.
The art is bad enough on its own, but the thing that really gets to me is the length of these nails. It sends a shiver down my spine every time I see a woman struggling to do some simple task with her painted claws. Using a telephone or picking up a coin becomes a day-long event with these idiots.
These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.
Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.
Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!
