I am not a fan of fussy interior design, especially when it is taken to such an extreme. What kind of a psychotic maniac wants to spend 45 minutes every night excavating through a pile of pillows like some earthquake rescue worker? Oh and guess what, you get to spend most of your morning replacing these functionless pillows in just the right order while the rest of us normal people sleep in until the last possible second before work.
These pillow people are obviously unstable and could snap at any moment. Move one pillow out of order and you’ve got another Jeffrey Dahmer on your ass. Yeah, that’s right, these horrible pillow people are worse than Osama Bin Laden!
Why is it when I order spaghetti, penne or gnocchi in an Italian restaurant, they give me a bowl the size of an above-ground pool, but when I order ravioli I am handed a plate so void of food I think I might be part of a hilarious hidden-camera prank show? Remind me again why these 4 raviolis are more expensive than a bathtub full of noodles? I’m hungry god damn it, now go back into that kitchen and get me some more ravi-fucking-oli!
I’m going to keep this short because this subject literally elevates my heart rate to a dangerous level.
There really is absolutely no reason we should have to debate gay marriage. Not only is it un-American to deny this right, it is inhumane. Why the fucking fuck would anyone give a shit if two people who love each other want to get married?!? It’s so ridiculous that I honestly can barely gather my thoughts enough to finish this.
The fact that two people get married, whether they be straight or gay, has nothing to do with your existence. Life will go on exactly the same so worry about your happiness and don’t deny others theirs.
One more thing, if you support gay marriage and are straight you should still be out there protesting. This is an issue of basic civil rights and we should stand together.
Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?
Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.
I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!
However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!
Fuck Threadless and their oh-so-clever bullshit! I hate the cult of Threadless.
If you do not know what Threadless is, take a moment to high-five yourself for being awesome. Threadless is a website where people send in their cutesy little t-shirt designs and an online community of lonely teens and aging hipsters with tiny glasses vote on which crappy doodle gets produced on actual t-shirts. Once these shirts are produced all the Threadless zombies rejoice and cum in their panties because every week they can buy more shirts with precious scribbles on them.
Do I think every Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I do honesty hate 98% of them. Do I think anyone who owns a Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I really can’t stand it when people are obsessed with them.
You know how there are just some things in life you hate but can’t quite explain why? Well this is not one of those things for me, I fucking hate Threadless.
I seriously cannot go a single day without seeing at least one person throwing up on TV. You may think that I only watch shows featuring Bret Michaels and the diseased whores who love him but honestly I never watch those shows. Television barfing is no longer relegated to the inky shadows of Bret Michaels’ tour bus, it’s everywhere!
A couple days ago, I saw no less than 4 people puking on 4 separate TV shows! I wish I could remember the shows because they weren’t all programs you would expect to see such a reversal of fortune. I will just make them up… Jeopardy, Meet the Press, The Weather Channel and let’s say Sesame Street.
When did it this trend become commonplace? Was I in a coma for 100 years?
Speaking of TV and how the universe is against me… How the fuck does Rubina Ali, child star of “Slumdog Millionaire,” have a better TV than I do when she lives in goddamn slum?!? No seriously, she lives in a real-life Indian slum. Do I do everything wrong?
I try to avoid the mall. Not because of some great protest against consumerism or because I think I’m better than mall shoppers, it’s really just that I don’t shop very often.
The last time I visited the mall I made the mistake of walking into a Hollister store, or maybe it was an Abercrombie & Fitch, and thought that I had accidentally walked into a haunted house or possibly that I had a stroke which rendered me blind. Have you been in these stupid pieces of shit? They should hand out fucking night vision goggles at the door because you can’t see a god damn thing! Apparently the easiest way to show that your store is cool(?) is to turn the lights off and watch your confused customers bump into each other like blind mice in a maze. Maybe this is a sign of being “old” but I can’t spend more than zero seconds in one of these dungeons without feeling like I am part of a sadistic experiment.
What’s the appeal of their clothing anyway? Why is everyone so happy to wear a shirt that simply says “Hollister” across the chest? I don’t fucking need to know where you purchased your shitty shirt, I can already guess. Oh, and another thing, not only can you not SEE in these stores, you also can’t BREATHE! I’m not sure if it’s the Axe Effect oozing from every douchebag in the store or if they pump in some mind controlling chemical that turns you into a dcouchebag, but either way you will find yourself crawling in the dark desperately trying to find the door.
I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
