You just made my list!

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day please reminisce about how much I hate Irish Dancing!

If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.

There is nothing more tragic than white people who think they are somehow tapping into some great mystic force because they purchased a plastic dreamcatcher when they stopped at the Kum & Go for some lottery tickets and a Slim Jim. I hate to tell you this Linda, but the fact that you think you are 1/32 Cherokee and you collect wolf figurines makes you about as spiritual as a stripper. How’s that dreamcatcher working out for you by the way? If your dream was to dress exclusively in sweatpants and oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts then I guess it’s working. Did you pray to the wolf spirit for an alcoholic husband who loves Nickelback and works at Pizza Hut? Is the wind God helping you lose that last 165 lbs. you just can’t seem to lose on your own? Stop embarrassing yourself Linda!

I tried to resist talking about these two but they are making it impossible! Chris Brown is obviously a huge, steaming pile of donkey turd. Who the fuck is he anyway? Is he a rapper? I can’t tell anymore, everyone looks like a rapper. Do I even need to go into detail about Chris Brown’s epic level of douchebaggery? Let’s move on.

What’s even more insane is that Rihanna is prancing around with this asshole acting like nothing happened. They’re living it up in Miami on jet skiis, partying with Puff Diddy and even working on a song together. Does she remember when he was beating the shit out of her and trying to THROW HER OUT OF A MOVING CAR? If I forget to take the recycling out I hear about it for a week.*

I honestly don’t know who I’m more disgusted with in this scenario. They are both such great role models. I’m burning my Chris Brown and Rihanna CDs! Do they still make CDs?

*this is an exaggeration in an attempt to make this post more awesome and hilarious. I actually only hear about it for a couple hours.

Oh Joan, why? I was with you when you had a few tucks here and there but this is getting out of hand. Joan, I loved you in “The Wrestler” but it’s time to keep off the operating table, forever.

I like Joan Rivers, I really do. She has thrived in a predominately male industry for decades and paved the way for every female comic working today, like Carrot Top. She’s a salty dame who loves a good dirty joke and she’s more than willing to make fun of herself. I think most people think of her as a useless red carpet interviewer but I think she deserves more respect than that. I know everything.

Having said that, what the fuck is up with her face? She’s looking more and more like Madame every day. If you don’t know who Madame is you need to ask yourself where you went wrong in life.

I’m not dumb, I understand WHY people were initially fascinated by the Octo-mom but can’t we move on to the next freak now?

Weeks ago I thought about writing something about this weirdo but it’s too obvious. How could I possibly add a fresh perspective to the subject? This human clown car* is obviously sick and any reasonable person should be able to acknowledge that and move on. So why the hell do I have to see her Angelina-Jolie-post -flaming-car-accident face every time I turn on the TV?

Don’t try to blame the media either. If they were not getting ratings from the subject they would drop the story faster than Octo-mom drops babies out of her skirt. ZING!

I know most people can’t look away from a car wreck like this but I really think they should. At best, give it a quick glance but then fight the urge to stare. I’m honestly not trying to be holier than thou but I have a real problem with people who are entertained by others’ misery (unless it’s someone getting hit in the nuts.) I feel like everyone’s fascination with this woman and her soon-to-be-fucked up kids is like watching a cock fight.

I’m pretty sure I will win some sort of major literary (I just misspelled literary) award for this post.

*I totally stole that from someone. Shut up.

Let me go ahead and stop anyone who is going to make the argument that “it’s refreshing to see ‘interesting’ people model instead of the same old generic beautiful people.” Bullshit! If you think that the fashion world is seeking higher moral ground with these turd faces then you are dumber than Guy Fieri. The fashion industry is filled with borderline-retarded people who are way too narcissistic to ever think that far ahead. It’s weird for the sake of being weird.

I don’t want to see “normal” people model. I want to see textbook-perfect looking models who make you angry they are so beautiful. I want them to make me look in the mirror and hate what I see. I want to doubt everything about myself when I see their perfectly formed bodies sent to earth by God on the backs of winged puppies. Give me a Heidi Klum any day over these gap-toothed alien faces. Heidi Klum literally makes me want to punch myself in the face for being less of a person. This should be the goal of all models, to make the rest of us hate our lives.

I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today’s post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. “Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?” I thought as the world turned dark and blurry.

I woke up in the hospital (which is where I’m writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from “an overwhelming amount of sucky shit.”

*I think I stole the “barf bag” description of Dicky Barrett’s vocal style from a review I read years ago.