You just made my list!

I’m not sure when the phrase “it is what it is” came on the scene but I feel like over the last year I hear it every day from someone. I can’t quite put my finger on why but it bugs me. It’s the equivalent of saying nothing.

I feel like I usually hear it coming from the puffy mouth of a bikini-clad slut right after she barfs in the refrigerator on “Rock of Love” or some other reality TV whore-fest.

I have a cold, I feel like shit and that’s all I feel like writing. I need a nap. Sorry, it is what it is.

I simply refuse to believe there are more than 14 people watching all of these “dancing with some asshole” shows. There are at least 5 dancing shows on TV right now, probably more but I REFUSE to research it. How is it possible a single person wants to watch dancing? HOW (followed by violent punching of my keyboard)?

I could understand dancing shows being popular in the mid seventies when all those awesomely shitty variety shows ruled the airwaves but in the year 2009? I just don’t get it. How is it possible, when all of society is walking around like they are straight out of Compton, a show about d-list celebrities flitting around in glittery jumpsuits is a #1 show?

Our country acts so fucking macho all the time but these shows have such high ratings that there has to be more than a handful of good old boys secretly watching with a beer in hand and a jar of nacho cheese resting on their fat bellies. Does this cheese fly across the trailer when they stand up in a rage because Rocco DiSpirito gets voted off when Susan Lucci clearly deserves to be sent packing? Does a single tear fall to his Dale Earnhardt sleeveless t-shirt when Ian Ziering nails a flawless Viennese Waltz?

I relate to nothing.

I can’t think of a way to make this funny so deal with it. Maybe by the end I can pull some brilliance from my beautiful butt.

I have a Sirius radio in my car but it’s the kind that docks into my existing radio. It’s starting to die and act like an asshole. It likes to change the channel at random times as if to say, “hey loser this song sucks, check out this Limp Bizkit song over on channel 24.” I don’t want Limp Bizkit thrust upon me so I was thinking it was time for a new radio. No big deal right? I mean it’s 4 years old, I got my money’s worth.

WRONG! I hate that I currently have a drawer full of “out-of-date” cell phones and a once state-of-the-art iMac that I literally can’t give away because it’s 6 years old. I understand why nobody wants my old computer but it’s crazy how disposable this stuff is. Do TV repairmen even exist anymore?

I hate that we find it acceptable if a CD player works for only 3 years before breaking. We don’t think twice about chucking it in the garbage and heading over to Best Buy to get a replacement. My stereo (do people even have stereos anymore?) is made up of components from the 70’s except for my CD player which I purchased in 1989. Not only do they all work perfectly, they sound amazing.

Our disposable culture kind of freaks me out. Maybe it’s because I’m old and still own a stereo. Told you this wouldn’t be funny.

Unfortunately my friend sent me a link to these “Talking Head Tables” yesterday and now I’m pretty sure our friendship is over. I don’t want to live in a world where this exists. I’m not kidding, one of us has to go. It’s me or the guy who makes his living dressed as a pile of shit.

I quit.

Standing still on a street corner is not a job so please stop giving these people a paycheck (AKA change in their buckets). It doesn’t matter if they are posing as a Roman statue or a silver robot, fight the urge to gawk with your tongue out at these lifeless turds. Are we really so easily amused that watching a person stand is entertainment? Entertainment that deserves payment?!?

These people are the worst human beings on the planet. I would rather have 8 more years of George Bush than see another asshole painted white just standing there seeking praise as if they actually hand-chiseled a statue. Hey out of work actor, you didn’t do shit so stop pointing to your bucket with your robot finger.

I take it back, there is one group of humans worse than these buttholes and they are the tourists who stand there staring and grinning like a dog about to go for a ride in the car. They practically orgasm when the frozen robot man decides to finally move his arm in a roboty way. They take photos and investigate closely because “dang it Brenda, don’t he look real?”

I wish I was a pigeon so I could add one more layer of realism to their little statue game.

First of all, I am a big fan of mixed martial arts (MMA) and the UFC so this is not some veiled complaint about fighting. This is merely my plea to all clothing designers to PLEASE stop putting skulls, wings and crap all over every square inch of every shirt!

As a fan of MMA I have been to a few UFC fights and many bars for pay-per-view events and let me tell you, every guy in the joint is covered in wings and skulls. Skulls and scrolls. Scrolls and Wings. If you were the date of one of these metrosexual tough guys and went to the bathroom I would imagine you might have a hard time picking out your orange boyfriend in the crowd upon returning. It’s like a douchebag version of Where’s Waldo. “Where’s Dildo!” I just thought of that. I am awesome!

I might not care if this style of clothing was confined to the cage, but skulls and wings are taking over the world! The other day I was trying to find a few simple, casual button down shirts and EVERY single shirt I picked up looked like it had accidentally been sucked through a printing press. I ended up buying a rug for the kitchen instead. A RUG! How the fuck am I going to wear a rug?

I am right about EVERYTHING!

Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).

I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.

These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?