You just made my list!

I have a real love/hate relationship with NPR. Yesterday while listening to the program “Re:sound” on my shower radio (soak it in ladies) it was all hate! It started off innocently enough with various music related subjects but the last segment sent me into a rage spiral. A sexy, sexy, naked rage spiral!

The host of the program, Gwen Macsai, said something like “blah blah bah, and finally here’s a chorus of teapots.” I was optimistic and thought someone had found a way to play a tune with multiple whistling tea kettles. Nope. It was literally four tuneless, screaming, hissing teapots drilling their way through my ears. Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen gets back on the mic and says something like “that was ‘Four Teapots’ produced by blah blah blah AND blah blah blah.” Do you understand what I am saying here? It took two people to record and “produce” the whistling teapots! TWO PEOPLE! It took two people in ironic nerd glasses and sensible thrift store shoes to record some noisy teapots. Fuck off!

If you don’t believe me (I wouldn’t) take a look at the bottom of this page.

NPR has some great shows and thankfully they exist as an alternative to the sea of mindless drivel that fills most of the airwaves but they just can’t help themselves from doing stupid shit. No wonder so many people hate liberals. Being told a bunch of howling teapots is art is enough to make me vote Palin/Limbaugh in 2012.

Much like dropping my keys, an irrational rush of anger fills my body when it’s windy. I HATE WIND!

I once heard about a small community of settlers in the west who went insane because the wind never stopped blowing. I tried to find information on this but couldn’t. Well, by try I mean I googled “wind makes settlers crazy” and when the top result was not what I was looking for I gave up. I’m sure it’s true though.

*My friend and editor of this blog (yes, I need an editor) found it here.

It’s like God is teasing you and trying to fuck with your mind. I’m sure he had a big ‘ol laugh while those pioneers were running around pulling their hair out and watching that hair blow away. God is mean.

Fuck you wind.

Hey guess what happens EVERY winter in Chicago… IT SNOWS!

Keeping this bit of trivia in mind, why does the local news act as if the sky is raining shards of glass and infected hypodermic needles every time a little snow is on the way? Fine, tell me a storm is on the way but do it like this… “Tonight in weather news, some snow is on the way, probably about 5 inches. You know what to do, so let’s leave it at that. On to other news about real things…”

All it takes is a little snow making its way towards our city and the news people start ejaculating all over each other. They will literally use up half of the news to discuss it. They might as well just run the same footage for each storm because year after year, storm after storm, it is always the same.

Here’s a handy how-to guide for creating your own TV snow report:

1) Go to the airport and talk to people in line whose flight has been canceled. Film some people sleeping on chairs and a family in Hawaiian shirts looking concerned. Roll some footage of the departure screen filled with the word “canceled,” that seems to get people worked up!

2) Show the Streets and Sanitation commissioner at a podium explaining that they will first plow and salt the main roads and then the side streets.

3) Interview a fat guy with a Ditka mustache who drives a snow plow. He will say something like “Looks like we will be workin’ true da night ta clear dees streets, whatever it takes.”

4) Cut to a hardware store and explain that a snow shovel can be used to move snow.

5) Interview people on the street about snow. They won’t have much to say but you can see their breath! Extra points if you can find a guy from Africa who has never seen snow before.

6) Footage of people getting blown over by the wind. Impactful and induces fear of wind, NICE!

7) Cut back to the weather guy (with visible erection) and refer to his desk as “Storm Center 3000”.

Repeat each time it snows.

Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I’m back ma, your little baby boy is alive!

Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.

Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.

I hate this song, I hate the video, I hate Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder bugs the shit out of me.

Pearl Jam is one of those bands that I know everyone loves but I simply do not get. If I try to listen to Pearl Jam I might as well be listening to static or white noise. I hear nothing. I understand why people like certain bands that I despise but Pearl Jam confuses me. For example, I can’t stand Fall Out Boy but I can at least understand why 10 year olds and the mildly retarded find it appealing. Pearl Jam, on the other hand, is so bland that I hear nothing.

I hear nothing unless it’s “Jeremy” then I hear my own brain begin to boil. I hear my ears trying to rip themselves from my head. I HATE this song.

And can someone tell the bass player we know he’s bald so he can stop wearing those dumb hats?

I’m going to bed.

Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.

What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.

My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.

School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.

Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.

Barf! I can’t fucking stand the sight of Irish Dancing. It literally gives me the creeps.

It’s hard for me to put my finger on exactly why I have such a violent reaction to this supposedly joyful event but here are a few things that come to mind.

1) It looks like a bunch of kids with leg braces trying to dance while simultaneously crapping their pants.
2) It’s often loud and stompy and startles me.
3) They don’t move their arms and it makes me uncomfortable.
4) The WIGS! Those stupid creepy wigs they wear. WHY?

Like I said, barf.