I am not kidding when I say who the fuck are the Kardashians and why are they on my TV? Seriously, who are these whores?
I originally knew the name Kardashian because their father, Robert, was buddies with OJ Simpson during the killing spree years and went on to be one of the 5,000 lawyers who represented him during the trial. I know that the mom, Kris, is now married to Bruce “old lady face” Jenner. I know that I watched Kim Kardashian fuck a rapper online. To tell you the truth, that’s more than I need to know about this nightmare of a family.
Do we really need a reality show about every dipshit family in America? What does it say about the current state of our society that these are the kind of people we worship? Fuck me, we are dumb!
If you watch this show for any reason other than the cleavage and the giant asses please put your head in the toilet, flush it 5 times and think about what you have done. In fact, go ahead and poop in that toilet first.
Let me get this out of the way first… There have been a few, a precious few, Digital Shorts on Saturday Night Live that I liked. However, the running theme in most of the Digital Shorts I actually enjoy is a lack of Andy Samberg’s face. Sure, “Dick in a Box” and “Lazy Sunday” were OK the first 100 times I saw them online but it’s no monkey drinking his own pee. Now THAT’S a classic!
Did you happen to see Andy’s latest masterpiece, aired on 9/13/08, “Space Olympics?” It’s textbook Samberg. The short features all of his favorite comedy tools; generically 80’s song, purposely mundane lyrics, purposely cheesy graphics, severe camera mugging and the sweet sweet odor of desperation. This constant desire to create the next “Lazy Sunday” viral video hit has to be the only reason Lorne Michaels keeps this fuzzy turd on the show.
Other than his weekly Digital Shits (zing), Andy Samberg can be seen in the background of most skits delivering hilarious lines like “Hi, how can I help you” or “Hi, can I get you something to drink” and “Hi, you have a lovely house.” Seems to me his only role on SNL is to facilitate the other performers who actually have something to do in the scene. Try this drinking game, every time Andy Samberg delivers a funny line in a skit take a drink. Sadly this will not get you drunk.
P.S. Did anyone else notice ultra-douche Guy Fieri was in the front row of last night’s show? I did, so I pressed my ass against the TV screen. I showed you Guy!
Watch this and try to convince me that it’s funny.
“It’s time to face the hole!” Holy shit, it’s the end of the fucking God damn mother fucking world!
Have you seen the Mike Judge movie “Idiocracy” in which Luke Wilson accidentally travels 500 years into the future? Turns out society has been so dumbed-down that Wilson is now the smartest person on the planet. In this film the number one show on television is called “Ow My Balls” which consists solely of a man repeatedly getting hit in the balls. Turns out we don’t need to travel 500 years into the future thanks to Fox TV’s newest reality show “Hole in the Wall.” Thanks Fox, keep up the good work!
I’m sure you have seen the Japanese game show clip on YouTube where this concept originated. In the clip, a sad human who was once a tiny baby filled with promise is reduced to trying to fit through a hole in a wall. That’s the entire concept! THIS IS A PRIME TIME TV SHOW! No wonder most Americans can tell you exactly how many times Britney Spears has flashed her nasty beav but could not find Iraq on a map.
I saw the Japanese clips online just like everyone else and was mildly amused for about 2 nimutes but I just made the mistake of watching the full 30 minute version on Fox and now I want to set my face on fire. I had to use wires to force my eyes open like in “A Clockwork Orange.”
I think about my grandfather who fought in WWII and I wonder what he would say if he was around to see the important things he fought for, like “Hole in the Wall.” I know what his reaction would be, a swift kick to my balls. Ow my balls, ow my balls indeed.
Well it’s official, I hate everyone in modern society. PBS is going to stop syndicating one of the all-time best children’s programs, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, because of “declining ratings.” A spokesperson for PBS had this to say, “I’m a big fat asshole, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
Let’s get one thing straight (3 things actually), Fred Rogers rules as a person, as an educator and as a TV host. He was more than a host really. He created the show, wrote the scripts, wrote all the songs and even did the voices of the puppets, for 33 years! Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a labor of love and all kidding aside I think Fred Rogers was an incredibly great man. The world needs more people like him.
I guess I’m so pissed because here’s another example of how our society has changed for the worse. Kids need to practically have a seizure from bright colors and flashing bullshit or they won’t watch a TV show. You know what, that’s not true. Kids have not changed but what they are exposed to has. I loved – LOVED – Mr. Rogers when I was a kid and I know for a fact he helped shape me into the person I am today. OK, maybe I shouldn’t use myself as an example of a Mr. Rogers success story but he must have helped some other people grow into normal, happy people.
You know what PBS, Fred Rogers was there for you when the government was going to cut your funding in half. In fact he saved your nerd asses with a simple 7 minute speech to a Senate subcommittee in 1969. How about you repay the favor and keep this amazing, timeless show on the air.
Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.
Mega-turd John Edward literally makes my skin crawl. The sound of his voice and the sight of his face makes me want to take a Silkwood shower until my skin is raw and bleeding.
Why do I hate this fucker so much? He makes money off people when they are at their weakest. People who may be misguided in their desire to speak to their dead uncle Charlie but innocent nonetheless. You might even think I would want to add these gullible rubes to my list but I actually don’t think they are rubes at all. For the most part, they are simply people who have a gaping hole left by a deceased loved one and John Edward can’t wait to start fucking that hole.
If you believe this grease ball can actually talk to the dead I must request that you slap yourself in the face. It is well documented that this jerk and all other jerks like him use simple techniques like planting people in the audience to listen for details or using microphones before the show to do the same. They also use the cheap sideshow trick of cold reading where they simply wait for the audience member to give up information voluntarily and build on those details.
If you STILL believe in this bullshit answer this for me, if these people can actually communicate with the dead why do they always start by saying “I’m getting an R or maybe a B, it could be an F, an F or an R, is there anyone with a connection to the letter R or B or G or F or N or Q or R, maybe it’s a P?” Some poor person will finally say “My aunt’s name starts with a P.” This is when the bullshit becomes painfully transparent because suddenly this “ghost” who seconds earlier could barely communicate the first letter of his or her name asks the “psychic” to tell the relative how much they love them and all about the cool stuff they have been doing in heaven. John Edward asks us to honestly believe a spirit ALWAYS starts a conversation with him like this “ooooooohhh… Jooooohn… R… John… R… R… I said R John… not P… R… R you fucking idiot… I’m saying R you asshole… it’s only one letter you dick… my name starts with R… I will tell you the rest later but for now let’s just start with R.”
Fuck you John Edward and all other charlatan douchebags who prey on people at such a fragile time. You disgust me. Oh yeah, and fuck that dog psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick too!
I keep hearing this week that John McCain has been getting better poll numbers and it is attributed to his attack ads. That’s great, way to go America! If laziness could be turned into oil we would be set for life.
“Barack Obama hates the troops, the TV box told me so. My research is done, let’s go to Wal-Mart!”
You know what, not a single political commercial should ever be watched, it is utterly pointless. What are you going to learn about a candidate in 30 or 60 seconds? You are going to learn that one guy has a dog and hangs out with hardworking Americans and the other guy looks evil in photos and uses the flag as toilet paper. Why are we so inclined to be stupid and lazy when it comes to important decisions? People put more mental energy into deciding where to eat lunch every day.
And what’s the fucking deal with John McCain and his fear mongering and spewing of misinformation. I guess I thought he was above that brand of gutter politics. I’m sorry but there is nothing LESS American than misleading the American people for political gain. Aren’t we all sick of being chin-deep in bullshit by now?
As Americans we all lose when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by political propaganda machines, right or left. We can’t afford to fuck this election up and if you are basing your decision for President on 30 second commercials I kindly ask you to punch yourself in your balls and/or vagina.
Where do I start with these turds? There is just nothing appealing about this family or the shitty bikes they “build.” Luckily for them being boring and talentless equals a TV career in this country!
Don’t embarrass yourself by saying “Fuck you, they make rolling works of art, you’re just jealous.” If this is the “thought” in your head right now please go back to listening to your cassette copy of your favorite Nickelback album.
Here’s a synopsis of every tedious episode…
Some company gets the highly original idea to hire these idiots to make a “theme bike.” Paul Teutul Jr. and Sr. tour the factory of said company. Their tiny minds begin to spin as they become inspired by whatever the fuck it is this company does. The wide-eyed CEO tells the Teutuls how excited he is blah blah blah. Paul Jr. goes back to the shop with a box full of crap from their new client and sits around with one of many mulletheaded OCC workers coming up with a design with all the seriousness of doctors discussing a cure for cancer. Of course what they are actually doing is figuring our how to simply weld a bunch of the company’s crap to a stock frame. If the company makes tools, Paul Jr. welds tools to the bike. If the company makes golf clubs Paul Jr. welds putters to the bike. A true artist indeed.
Throw in a few door-smashing tantrums from Paul Sr., some footage of younger brother Mikey getting his head stuck in a mailbox, a scene of Paul Jr. trying to figure out a way to hide some huge mistake, a couple fights between the Jr. and Sr. over the “visual flow” of the bike and top it all off with the last minute delivery of the finished piece of shit motorcycle that will spend its life in some stupid lobby and you have yourself a complete episode of American Chopper. Now hit yourself on the head with a hammer for liking this shit.
What’s that, you want more! How about the American Chopper video game! If you own this video game I am literally begging you to never breed.
You know what pisses me off more than their ugly bikes? It’s the fact that once again the world proves itself to be filled with uninspired lemmings who flock to whatever the flavor of the month is. We just can’t help but celebrate mediocrity can we? And it doesn’t get any more mediocre than American Chopper.
When I sit my ass on the couch after a hard day of “work” there is nothing I want to see more than other people working. I like to sit back with a beer and watch people hand out parking tickets or drive trucks on ice all fucking night long!
OK, I sort of like Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” and I understand why it’s a popular show. Who doesn’t love a boat full of chain-smoking, manly men doing the same thing every episode for 5 years? BUT, do we really need every profession on the planet documented?
Here’s a list of the shows I am aware of that follow Joe worker guy around as he gets his hands dirty; Deadliest Catch, Lobstermen, Ice Road Truckers, The Verminators, Ax Men, Wrecked and my favorite waste of video tape – Parking Wars.
I guess it’s kind of cool that there is a highway made out of ice but in the time it took me to type this sentence I have already lost interest. I mean, people walking around issuing PARKING TICKETS is (was) an actual show on real TV! People went to work on this show every day and some poor guy had to edit footage of meter maids walking around Philadelphia talking about PARKING!
OH MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE!
Let’s not forget that a majority of these shows are broadcast on channels with grandiose names like “Arts and Entertainment” and “The Discovery Channel.”
We are dumb.
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Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.
