There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Celtic Thunder takes a big ol’ Irish shit all over my TV!
Well, at least I now know why Irish Dancing is popular… people in Ireland are RETARDED! You heard me Ireland, get your shit together!
I was once like you. Well, I was like a more awesome version of you. Anyway, I once roamed the planet without any knowledge that on that very same planet a group of drunk (I’m assuming) lip-syncing Irish assholes were prancing around on stage like some sort of evil tampon commercial directed by Walt Disney. And the audience is eating this shit up like it’s free cabbage. Do Irish people eat cabbage? I’m assuming they do.
This has got to be one of the most horrifying things ever created by man. These turds make Hitler look like Mr. Rogers and Haiti seem like a perfectly good spring break destination. I’m serious, this is the worst thing I have ever seen.
You know, I’m half Irish but after discovering Celtic Thunder I’m thinking about cutting myself in half and letting some dogs eat the Irish side.
Never has an unplugged guitar rocked so hard.
Caution: This will make you grow a vagina. If you already have a vagina, get ready for another, more vagina-y, one!
I used to like the Olympics when they held the winter and summer Olympics together every four years. It felt special and important, but now that we are treated to the Olympics every two years it just becomes annoying.
I especially hate the winter Olympics. Nothing sends my balls further into my body than god damn motherfucking figure skating! If I want to see men in tight pants manhandle Eastern European women wearing too much eye makeup, I would watch my own fantasies. I love it when the ice dancers get all “wacky” and do something silly and whimsical. OH BOY DO I LOVE ME SOME WHIMSY!
Let’s all hop in our time machines and take a trip back to 1990, when Microsoft released the exciting Windows 3.0 and C+C Music Factory was raping your ears with “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).”
For the first time since I was in high school I have a TV in my bedroom. It is thanks to this TV that I have been exposed to Kelly Ripa and her parade of enthusiastic nonsense!
Regis Philbin is either retarded or the most patient human on the planet. I feel like you could stick that man in a garbage bag filled with mosquitoes and he would keep on smiling and telling stories about having lunch with Charles Nelson Reilly or whatever the hell he talks about.
Kelly Ripa is that horrible kind of woman who thinks, and knows, she is oh so adorable and no matter how fucking annoying she is people fall all over themselves to love her. She could stand up on that desk and explode diarrhea all over Regis while eating a kitten and the audience of sassy hairs would giggle and hoot like a bunch of mindless idiots. The worst thing is that if I ever met Kelly Ripa I would probably fall under her whore spell (3 whore references in 4 days!) like a zombie. I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but I would probably smile and thank her for blasting shit all over my face too.
Why is Kelly Ripa constantly shooting poop on people?
Hey thanks for inviting me over to stare at your ceiling for 4 hours! What’s that you say, you want to play Guitar Hero? Sure, let me just go ahead and lie on my back on your dirty floor so I can see the TV. Perfect.
You know, just because you see something on MTV’s Cribs doesn’t mean you have to try and recreate it in your Dorito-covered trailer. As a general rule, if you see some dumb rapper do something on Cribs it’s best to do the opposite. Sure, it might seem cool to have an actual panda bear as your butler, but after the money is gone who’s going to feed that thing? God, I would pay so much money to watch a hungry panda chase Lil Wayne around some shitty, beige, Atlanta McMansion. Lil would try to hide behind his pool table only to immediately regret buying the world’s only perfectly clear pool table made from Swarovski crystals. Go get your Wayne on, panda.
Sorry, I got distracted by that fantasy. When did placing your TV at eye level become the exception rather than the rule? Plus, I can think of no better place for your $1,500 TV than over your hot, dirty, smoke-barfing fireplace. I keep my computer in the oven.
OK, tonight is my last night of packing before my official move this Saturday so I’m going to keep this short. Mostly I’m keeping it short because I’m not sure what I’m seeing right now on my TV. Why is fat Steven Seagal running around arresting people for selling crack? Is he a real cop? Was I in a coma for 20 years?
I have watched about 15 minutes of this insanity and I have never felt more confused. In fact, as I write this, officer Seagal is talking “ghetto” to some black kid with a gun but he sounds like my dad trying to imitate Richard Pryor. Awwww baby, ya dig?
I immediately was reminded of the brilliant television pilot for “Lookwell,” created by Conan O’brien and Robert Smigel. In the show, which never made it past the pilot stage, Adam West plays Ty Lookwell, a washed-up actor who once starred in a bad 70s detective show. The problem is he now thinks he’s an actual detective thanks to an honorary crimestopper badge given to him in 1972. Funny, right? Well this crazy plot seems to be the EXACT concept behind “Steven Seagal Lawman” with the only difference being “Lookwell” was a COMEDY!
You seriously should take a 22-minute break and watch this pilot episode of Lookwell, Adam West is a fucking genius in it.
Congratulations Bud Light, you made a beverage that technically is drinkable. (slow clap)
Let’s not waste any time debating whether or not Bud Light is, in fact, drinkable. Clearly it is not. It’s one small step above poison and one giant leap below walrus diarrhea. Instead, I would like to discuss the saddest tag line in the history of advertising.
Bud Light is essentially saying to you “Hey, at least you can drink it without dying.” Let me ask you this tough guy, would you feel confident eating at a restaurant who proudly boasted “Jimbo’s Pizza, it’s edible.” How about “Potato Town, our food can safely be crammed down your throat.” Perhaps you would buy a car from Ford if they proclaimed “Basically it pretty much drives.”
The real question is, what the fuck are you doing drinking Bud Light in the first place? Why bother drinking at that point? I’m embarrassed for you, broski.
Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:
– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.
Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!
I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.
