You just made my list!

I’m going to try and write something real tomorrow but these fucking holidays are killing me! I’m so popular that EVERYONE wants me at their party. I never get a free moment to just sit and watch People’s Court anymore. I’m also moving in a couple weeks, so that’s sucking my ass too.

To make it up to you, I will share my favorite song about Canada.

I don’t care much for football. However, when I’ve gone to games in person I’ve had a good time. Wait, I just realized that’s a huge lie. My dad used to take me to see the Bears when I was a kid but there was nothing fun about sitting outside when it was 10 degrees and the wind was whipping of the lake so fast the snot INSIDE your nose would freeze. Maybe this is why I hate football. Maybe this is why I have Daddy issues.

So me complaining about something that has to do with football is like a deaf person yelling “TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!” Nonetheless, when I heard that an upcoming Dallas Cowboys game was going to be partially presented in 3D I thought that might be cool. That is until I learned it wasn’t going to be broadcast in 3D over my TV, but instead it would be shown in 3D on the ridiculously large/ugly/unnecessary HD screen that hangs in the equally ugly Cowboys Stadium. Huh? Aren’t those people already witnessing the game in 3D? Do the Cowboys play in a different dimension?

Are you as bored by this post as I am?

I guess I just don’t understand the purpose of going to a game, only to watch that same game on the giant TV hanging over the actual game you are actually sitting at in your actual jean shorts. I especially don’t understand the need to see it in 3D if your George Bush-lovin ass is already there in person!

Why am I so smart?

Boy are you about to be cheated! I bought a new iMac that’s the size of a drive-in movie screen and I have been setting it up all night. I just realized I forgot to write something for you and now your day is most likely ruined. I am truly sorry. I owe you one.

In other news… Dana Carvey sucks huge amounts of ass and has been funny approximately 2 times. I can’t tell you when those 2 times occurred, but I am assuming they must have happened.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

The mission of the Klingon Language Institute, is to “bring together individuals interested in the study of Klingon linguistics and culture, and provide a forum for discussion and the exchange of ideas.” If you translate that into normal human language, their mission is to “never bring a vagina anywhere near their penises.”

When I think about how little extra time I have in my life to do worthwhile things, and then imagine these buttholes sitting around on a Saturday night with a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a Klingon dictionary, it makes me want to… what’s the word… makes me want to tlhaw’ these nerds right in the DIrons!

If this isn’t ghuH ghong, I don’t know what is!

Dreams DO come true! Paula Deen is used to large amounts of food flying towards her face, but this time the food won the battle. Sit back and enjoy Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham.

In general, I find football to be boring. I don’t mind the getting together with friends and eating/drinking aspect of it, but there is just too much downtime in the game for me to get excited by it. What I have zero patience for is sports shows that prattle on and on about every boring detail like a kitchen full of old hens gossiping about who wasn’t at church on Sunday. However, nothing makes me more embarrassed for humanity than a bunch of guys in suits acting out football plays and discussing strategy on a miniature field. It’s sad and reminds me of this.

Oh, but the madness does not stop there. Now they have added virtual players that interact with the suit guys, creating what looks like a video game so slow your parents might actually be able to keep up with it. Why do we need this? Plus, I just hate these guys with their huge gorilla hands, their giant sports rings and their wide-legged stance. I can feel the noogies through the TV.

Couldn’t find a football example but this should give you just as many nightmares.

I thought we were done with this ridiculous idiot. There is nothing more that needs to be said about this moronic dolt, so instead I will rank the cast of Friends from best to worst.

Joey Tribbiani
This is a no-brainer. I mean come on, it’s Joey! He’s clearly the most lovable friend. He’s an actor, a cocksman and he got his head stuck in a turkey.

Monica Geller
Sure, Monica is a neat freak and highly competitive but she’s also fun. She’s one of the guys. She’ll kick your ass at ping pong or Ms. Pac-Man and look good while doing it. She gets points taken off for banging Chandler though. That’s just gross.

Ross Geller
The spot for the third best friend is almost a tie but Ross squeaks by for his goofy antics. Who can forget the leather pants incident or the spray tan fiasco? Plus, he had a pet monkey and that’s worth a lot in my book. Points deducted for being in love with Rachel and for all his serious, dramatic moments. Blah.

Chandler Bing
Could Chandler BE anymore in fourth place? The Chandler and Joey roommate years were great. They had a pet duck and for a while their only piece of furniture was a canoe. Let’s not forget his romance with the lovely Janice, who I believe is his true soul mate. Chandler could have taken the third spot if not for all those hideous vests he wore over the years. Plus he got fat once he started dating Monica. Come on Chandler, Mon deserves better!


Phoebe Buffay
Sorry Phoebe, but as a hippie you must rank low on the list. When her mother committed suicide it must have been incredibly difficult for Phoebe and her twin sister Ursula so I feel a little guilty ranking her so low.


Rachel Green
Rachel Sucks.

No biggie, I didn’t want to actually WATCH the show I was watching. In fact, I would much rather watch the cute little animation of the Whorewives of Whoreville dance around like whores, getting their whore juice all over my TV. I would also like to thank you for reminding me what program I am currently watching. Sometimes I’ll be watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” but until my TV tells me I’m watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” I think I am watching The McLaughlin Group.