You just made my list!

You know what would be like so cool and like totally show like how poetic and deep my photography is? Totally imagine this, it’s like a black and white image but like there are roses that are like totally still red? Yeah yeah yeah, I know, right? It’s like the world is ugly and like dying but like the beauty of the rose lives on? It’s like the innocence of children but like also dangerous because of the thorns? Also like vampires and Wicca and like blood but like beautiful and timeless and delicate but also totally strong? You know? It’s like I’m the single red rose and my parents are the desolate world trying to like totally make me wilt but I’m too bold and bright to be like… ignored?

Gallery of shit

Tags: art, dumb, photography, white trash

Fuck you, showoff!

Oooooh look at me, I’m too good to be normal mustard, I’m filled with honey from a bee’s vagina.*

I know you are anxious to say “No way bro, honey mustard is the shit.” Well, you are almost correct, just remove the word “the.”

Good old fashioned yellow mustard is the Police and honey mustard is Sting. In other words, classic yellow mustard is America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget and honey mustard is AFV with Tom Bergeron. What I’m trying to say is that yellow mustard is Swayze in Road House and honey mustard is Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Got it?

*I’m not 100% sure that honey comes from a bee’s vagina but I’m pretty sure it does.

Honey mustard belongs on fucking Mars!

Tags: assholes, food, Jerks, the worst thing ever

It’s over Brad, let it go.

Tags: car, college, school

Merry Christmas, can someone turn up the air conditioning?

I realize the NASCAR season eats up a lot of your time and now that Cheaters is on twice a day it’s hard find a free moment but maybe it’s time to put your snowman and candy canes away. Either that or just burn your house down. Just burn it to the ground and walk away.

I recently read that a house with Christmas lights dangling from its sad gutters in August has a 36% chance of containing a fully-clothed corpse sitting in a chair and is four times more likely to have at least one bathtub that is used as a toilet. I think it was in Newsweek or possibly The Economist.

Tags: christmas, holidays, lazy, white trash

Look at me I’m skiing! Oh wait, I guess I’m just walking… like a douchebag.

Sure, walking is pretty extreme on its own, but add some fucking ski poles and suddenly you’re the (insert name of famous skier here because I don’t know any) of the neighborhood walking club. With enough practice, you might even make the Olympic walking-around-the-suburbs team!

One time, I was Nordic pole walking and I saw this deep crevasse up ahead. I mean this thing was at least 4 inches deep and a foot across! I was thinking maybe I should pole my way across the street, you know for my own safety, but something in me said, “Go for it, fucking go for it dude.” So I approached the gaping crevasse without fear because I had my poles! I approached the edge of the great hole, sweat pouring into my eyes, and planted my poles. Suddenly it was as if I was weightless and I found myself sailing over the abyss. I’ve never felt so free!

Unfortunately, I misjudged my jump and fell on my face. I was so mad because I ripped my best walking pants. Stupid poles.

Tags: douchebags, dumb, parkour, sports, walking

Yes, tonight was the rescheduled Rush concert and yes, they made up for the canceled show with free Rush hats for all! Why am I telling you this? Because it’s late and I can’t get my brain to work well enough to write.

Rush was pretty bad ass tonight and watching thousands of people simultaneously air drum is one of the most awesome things you could ever hope to see.

In case Rush is not your thing (pussy), here’s a bunch of penguins chasing a butterfly.

In case you sort of like Rush and sort of like cute things, here’s a 5 year old playing Tom Sawyer on the drums.

Tags: concert, drums, music

Fuck me.

From as far back as 2008, the entertainment world has been clamoring to find a talent impressive and worthy enough to appear side-by-side with the always impressive Guy Fieri. Well, I don’t know how they did it or what kind of crazy backroom deals went down but they finally found a personality to rival the great Fieri. I am speaking, of course, of the Aflac duck.

Not since Lennon & McCartney, Scorsese & De Niro, Bert & Ernie or Zack Morris & A.C. Slater has the world seen such magical chemistry explode all over its face from an on-screen duo. Imagine if David Lee Roth and Jesus Christ formed a band… Yeah, it’s THAT good.

I have to admit, I never thought I would ever see anyone match the staggering charisma of Sir Guy Fieri but that duck manages to somehow hold his own and, dare I say it, he even manages to out-act Fieri in a few scenes. I know, I know, it’s sacrilege to suggest anyone’s talent could equal Fieri’s but please understand, I’m not saying Guy Fieri wasn’t brilliant in this commercial, I merely have to give credit to the duck for a truly brave performance.

Hey Guy, Billy Idol called and he wanted to let you know the Stray Cats called and they want their bowling shirts back.

Tags: assholes, commercials, douchebags, guy fieri, the worst thing ever, TV

Full disclosure …..I am drunk.

Wow, what a day it has been! so much talk of pee and poop and balls. I am overwhelmed by the care and detail given to the subject of peeing while sitting. I now know what it is like to win an Oscar.

So (thanks to beer) I would like to say that I am so impressed, and sometimes intimidated, by the readers and commentors on this website. Your comments are often better than my lame attempts at humor or social commentary or whatever it is I do here. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off when I read comments that are better than what I wrote. Only sort of though.

Really I am proud that, for the most part, the people who waste their time reading my bullshit are so smart and funny. When I write a post I feel genuine fear and pressure to deliver something good because I know most of you guys are funny and smart. Writing does not come naturally to me so writing each night can be a daunting task. (I wish you could see how hard spellcheck is working to keep me on track right now). I would like to point out that the recent comments on my scrubbing bubbles post are not included in the “smart” category.

The point is, I just want to say (thanks to being a happy drunk) I genuinely really appreciate you guys for wasting your time reading my bullshit. I’m only saying this because I’m drunk, starting Monday I will be calling you all idiots again.

(for the record, it took me approximately one million hours to write this)

I’m awesome! FUCK YOU!

Tags: beer, drunk, me