Jul 23 2010

Bike cleavage!

Published by under Awesome!

bike cleavage

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a few beers. I’ve had a few beers with the person who edits this piece of shit website so please excuse any typos. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I spend a lot of time talking about things I DON’T like so maybe it’s time to salute something I love. I have also spent many an hour ranting about my hatred for the hipster bike craze but I think it’s time to talk about the ONE good thing about bicycles… BIKE CLEAVAGE!

Cleavage is one of God’s greatest creations. It says “Hey look, I’m the side of boobs!” Cleavage promises a better tomorrow. I’m not sure if most of the bike-riding girls out there realize just how much cleavage they are exposing during their bike rides and I’m hoping they never find out. Guys, bros, dudes, let’s keep this little secret on the down low. Don’t blow a good thing!

I love you boobs and I love the glorious, soft canyon of cleavage you create while riding around on a bike.

Good night.

20 comments so far

Jul 21 2010

Mixologists!

mixologist

“Help, my husband is having a heart attack!”

“Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a mixologist.”

“Wait, huh? How is that going to help?”

“I told you, I’m a M-I-X-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.”

“What the? Is there a doctor in the house? Please hurry!”

“What part of OLOGIST don’t you understand?”

“All of it.”

And… scene!

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bartender who knows his or her shit and can whip up some old school cocktails, but can we stop with this “mixologist” nonsense? If your main source of income comes in the form of tips you are not allowed to be an “ologist” of any sort. Your job description can include “tender” or “keep” but let’s stop pretending you work at NASA.

Be proud to be a bartender! You are among greats like Tom Cruise, Moe, the slutty whores of Coyote Ugly and Tammy. Stop in and see Tammy!

26 comments so far

Jul 19 2010

Whatever this is!

sun protection face cover

New Star Wars characters released! Soon every child and adult nerd will be collecting the new Robert and Mike action figures from the latest installment in the George Lucas franchise, Star Wars: Let’s Golf This Weekend.

That would be a better explanation of this insanity but sadly these things exist on our planet.

As you all know, since the Iraq and Afghanistan wars began, the burka craze appears to be unstoppable! Seems like EVERYONE owns at least a couple burkas. Moms are wearing them to Walmart and kids in the ghetto are shooting each other over them. I don’t need to remind you that the runaway hit last Christmas was the Snuggie Burka!

Even THAT would be a better explanation.

In reality, these are to protect your precious face and hair (?) from the sun. How about this… if you are that sensitive to the sun you just have to stay inside. Maybe it’s selfish, but when I’m bench-pressing sexy babes on the beach for a crowd of onlookers I don’t need to see you and your sun helmet in my peripheral vision. To be honest, it’s dangerous for me and the girl I’m bench-pressing. I don’t have time for your distracting headgear, not now, not ever.

(This is the part where Jeff leaves a comment like “You know actually, these are for burn victims who need extra protection from the sun” and ruins everyone’s fun. Thanks Jeff.)

25 comments so far

Jul 15 2010

I just had a vasectomy!

No, not me. My wiener is as wonderful and sperm-filled as it always has been. Sorry, I’ve had a busy week and have neglected my writing duties, or writing “dooties” depending on your opinion of me. Watch this and get over it.

P.S. YouTube can suck my un-vasectomied dick for not allowing embedding on this clip!

6 comments so far

Jul 14 2010

Flying food in commercials!

messy food commercials

food stylist commercial reel

Hey, when I asked for a beer I didn’t think you were going pour it so fast that it would shoot out the other side of the glass all over my slacks. I have a very important sales seminar to attend his afternoon and beer-soaked slacks do not make a good first impression.

AHHHHHHH, you just blinded me when you slammed your Extreme Shrimp Blaster into that hot butter! I SEE NOTHING! WHY?!?

And I just got this shirt too. It’s impossible to wash out butter, especially when you’re BLIND, thank you very much Steve! Man, this is the worst lunch ever. Whoa, what just hit me in the face? Was that salad? Did someone just throw a fucking salad into my face? What is wrong with you people?

16 comments so far

Jul 13 2010

God, for killing Harvey Pekar!

Harvey Pekar

I won’t even try to be a smart ass today because I am genuinely sad about the death of Harvey Pekar and don’t really want to make a joke out of it.

I also don’t feel like going into a long explanation of who Harvey Pekar is because I’m assuming most of you already know and quite honestly I don’t think I can do him justice with my half-assed attempt at an obituary. If you haven’t read American Splendor I command you to do so! I don’t even like comic books or illustrated novels but I love American Splendor! Likewise, if you have not seen the brilliant movie about Harvey, also titled American Splendor, you should watch it immediately.

Like most people, I was first introduced to Harvey Pekar via his confrontational Letterman appearances. If you are unfamiliar or a little younger than me, you need to keep those appearances in context. First of all, television had never seen anything like Late Night with David Letterman. It seems commonplace now but at the time Letterman’s antics were groundbreaking and shocking. He pushed the limits of what could be done on TV, specifically the limits of how entertaining the mundane could be. You simply did not see people on a major network dedicating entire segments to throwing things off a five-story building or stupid tricks performed by animals.

Now, add a cranky comic book writer from Cleveland who didn’t give a shit that he was biting the hand that feeds with every appearance and it was impossible to turn away. Again, this was decades before the TV was filled with self-destructive reality “stars” and it was fascinating to witness.

Like Letterman, Pekar pulled high drama out of the seemingly mundane. He simply told the story of his day to day life in comic book form, warts and all. Mostly warts. He was an outsider artist who managed to poke his head into the mainstream from time to time but only long enough to make himself uncomfortable, then it was back to obscurity at his hospital job in Cleveland. His books are incredibly engaging but as I sit here trying analyze why I feel that way I can’t come up with a reason. I mean he writes about riding the bus and working as a filing clerk but somehow you can’t wait for the next page.

I’m trying to think of some big smart-sounding way to end this but I guess it makes more sense to just say I’m glad people like Harvey Pekar exist.

Harvey’s first Letterman appearance. He came out swinging from the beginning. (Bad audio in some parts)
Part 1

Part 2

Things were still going OK at this point.

This gets a little bumpy.

Possibly Harvey’s last Letterman Appearance in 1993

8 comments so far

Jul 12 2010

Candwich and my inability to raise 145 million dollars!

candwich sandwich in a can

If only there was a way to combine my love of sandwiches with tennis ball packaging.

From now on when I head to a kickass beach party I’m grabbing a six-pack of Coors Light and a sixer of BBQ chicken sandwiches. I’m also bringing a six-pack of condoms because when the ladies see me pop the top off a fresh sammie they’re going to be like, “I wish that guy eating canned sandwiches over there would get me pregnant,” and I’m going to be like, “You wish,” and then she’s going to be like, “Yeah, that’s what I just said,” and I’ll be like, “That’s what she said,” and she’ll be like, “Wait, I can’t tell if you are kidding or you just can’t understand what I’m saying,” and then I’ll smash the empty Candwich can on my head and be like, “I just ate a canned sandwich so, yeah, I’d say I’m basically the shit. Now let’s do it.” Yet another girl goes home with a little PB&J all over her body. NEXT!

I don’t hate the concept of the Candwich. How could I? Sandwich in a can? Yeah, that’s perfectly normal and awesome. I do, however, take issue with the fact that the Candwich creator, Travis L. Wright, was able to talk a bunch of Utah investors out of $145,000,000 in order to make his dream of canned lunch a reality. Well technically they thought they were investing in real estate and Wright was secretly using their money to cram hoagies into soda cans. The point is, this guy had a dream and found a way to scam people in order to make it a reality. Why don’t I have that kind of resourcefulness?

Oh sure, it’s easy for you to sit there on your high horse and call Travis Wright a thief and a fraud but why don’t you take a bite of this turkey and Swiss before you pass judgment. Here, wash it down with a can of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Apology accepted.

10 comments so far

Jul 09 2010

TV Hat!

tv hat infomercial

If I wasn’t sort of drunk right now I would put more effort into this and believe me it would be HILARIOUS. Such is life.

Plus, what the fuck could be said about this?

18 comments so far

« Prev - Next »