You just made my list!

There are times in life when we must balance comfort with money. Often times one’s financial situation wins this battle and you find a can of Milwaukee’s Best pressed up against your lips. But this is OK sometimes. It is entirely wrong, however, to find a stiff slab of cheap toilet paper pressed up against your butt lips!

There simply is no excuse for choosing toilet paper that feels about as soft as a lemon zester when perfectly good, triple ply quilted toilet paper is sitting right there on the shelf. What is this, Russia? The great thing about being American is that we can smear our feces on toilet paper so luxurious a princess would gladly sleep upon it. Not the feces… she would gladly sleep on the toilet paper!

Pooping is already a horrible experience as far as I’m concerned, so why turn an ugly situation into more of a nightmare? I don’t want to hear about your budget or the environment or blah blah fucking blah. Grow up, buy some real toilet paper and watch your life change, you dirty ass (literally) hippie.

What’s that you ask? Which brand do I allow to touch my sweet bottom? I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong or Charmin Ultra Soft. I mean look at this… you can drag a 3 pound block of shit across your table and it won’t even rip!

Tags: assholes, hippies, me, poop, the worst thing ever

How could Tiger Woods cheat on his wife?!? Oh, I’m so mad at him!

Wait I forgot, that’s not why I’m disgusted with Tiger. I literally could not care less about his quest for pussy. That’s his business. But what does concern me is his quest for Nickelback. Yeah that’s right, did you hear that Woods chose a fucking Nickelback concert for his FIRST public social outing? First he offended women around the globe with his propensity for porn poon and apparently now he’s trying to offend people with ears.

I guess at the very least we can all forget about the mistresses and the dirty text messages now because compared to singing along with “Photograph,” cheating on your wife is nothing. I would forgive this guy for murder before I would for going backstage to hang out with those agents of Satan. Imagine how disappointed Tiger must have been when he realized he was backstage at a Nickelback concert, the one place on earth guaranteed to be void of vagina, except of course for those residing in the ripped blue jeans of the band.

Now, on to more important things. Are you aware a bonafide music legend left a comment on yesterday’s post? Every one please say hello to Randy Jones of the Village People and make him feel welcomed. He’s one of us.

Tags: douchebags, music, nickelback, sports, the worst thing ever, tiger woods

You can have my eye-liner when you pry it from my cold, incredibly soft dead hand!

Howdy. Let’s get one thing straight right now partner… I love gay people, I have many gay friends and this has nothing to do with homophobia, but come on guys, let’s butch it up a bit.

How can I take you seriously when you are singing about beer and horses if the cowboy from the Village People makes you look like Isaac Mizrahi? It’s not even about looking “gay,” I guess it’s really more about looking like women while trying to act like tough cowboys. I want my country singers to exist solely on a diet of whiskey, pills, beer, beef jerky and cigarettes. I want a stinky cloud of body odor and hooker’s crotch to linger in the air when they walk out of a room and I want to feel like less of a man for even standing in their presence.

It seems strange that your average southern male country fan would kick the ass of any gay man but then turns around and worships these overly-groomed fancy lads who look they they just stepped out of a 1991 gay porno. Although, let me give HUGE props to Rascal Flatts for actually having the balls to write a song in favor of being who you really are, gay or straight. The song sucks donkey balls but it’s very cool that a hit country band with plenty to lose would have the guts to do such a thing.

So come on dudes, man up or Johnny Cash’s zombie corpse will rise up and kick you in your freshly waxed balls.

Tags: america, country music, douchebags, gay marriage, johnny cash, music

You hear that sound? That’s the sound of me sawing my own ears off with a steak knife.

Apparently the douchebags from Jersey Shore are programming the music in my gym now. I already despise working out but the constant assault of drum machines, auto-tuned vocals and the explanation of one’s monetary worth has taken my hatred of the gym to a new level. Look, I just want to blast my triceps in peace, if I wanted to see a bunch of guys holding their dicks I would go into the locker room. By the way, why do the guys with the worst bodies spend the most time walking around nude in the locker room?

Maybe I’m getting old (and whiter) but I literally can’t comprehend that this is considered music. And congrats on fitting every rap video stereotype, with the exception of jizzing Champagne on some fat asses, into this 4:57 torture video. Can someone buy these rappers a fucking tripod, I’m tired of watching them rap at me from the perspective of an ant.

I sound like Wilford Brimley and I think I like it.

Tags: exercise, music, teenagers, working out, wraps

Yeah that’s right, I fucking blew off my precious blog today. Nobody cares anyway.

Shut up and watch the last two episodes of “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.”

Tags: funny or die, me

I quit.

When you “double down” in the game of blackjack you are essentially doubling your risk with the hopes of doubling your reward.* When you force Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest crime against humanity, the Double Down sandwich, down your gaping maw you are doubling your toilet’s reward.

Is it possible KFC is playing an elaborate, multimillion dollar prank on the world? Is this one of Andy Samberg’s HILARIOUS Digital Shorts? Even Kentucky Fried Chicken needs to convince themselves this monstrosity is not just a bad dream. The first sentence out of their greasy mouths on the official Double Down page is “The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real!” Even they can’t believe how fucking disgusting people are. I would not be surprised if they started pushing the limits even further just to see what they can get away with. Chicken fat shakes? Napkins made out of chicken skin? Perhaps they can bypass the whole eating thing and just force grease up your ass with a giant hose.

The thing I love about how uneducated we** are about food is that I actually found a few girlie “diet” websites taking about what a great diet sandwich this will be because it doesn’t have bread, A.K.A. carbs. Do I even need to waste my time dissecting this theory? TWO SLABS OF FRIED CHICKEN, TWO STRIPS OF BACON, TWO MELTED SLICES OF CHEESE AND THE “COLONEL’S SAUCE!” I’m going to get into those skinny jeans by June!

I’m exhausted just from looking at the photo of this piece of shit.

*Shut up, I realize this is not technically correct but I’m not writing a Guide to Blackjack here!

** Not me, I’m a genius.

Tags: america, chicken, food, gross, the end of the world, the worst thing ever, white trash

Can someone please tell me who the fuck the “Beauty Gurus” are and why I want to kick them all in the teeth?

Tags: teenagers, teeth, the end of the world, the worst thing ever, youtube

Yeah that’s right, Listy has dropped the ball again. Sorry I decided to WORK and MAKE MONEY rather than blog for free. Maybe if some of you ingrates would click on my ads and buy a bunch of crap you don’t want or need old Listy (your hero) could stop working on other things. So really I blame you for the lack of a real post today. Way to go jerk.

In other news… I am ashamed of how much I enjoy these bloopers. In fact I’m ashamed of how much I like bloopers in general!

Ever wonder how George Bush got elected?

Tags: fish, fishing, me, TV