You just made my list!

Yeah, you’re going to sit in that window and read a book.

In the history of window nooks there have been exactly 3 people who have used them to relax with a good book. I also saw a study on these so-called “sitting areas” that said, and I quote, “It is our finding that no evidence exists to support the claim that any bedroom sitting area has ever been used for actual sitting. We are only able to find examples of sitting areas being used for laundry storage, the putting on of socks and several incidents of kinky birthday sex.”

Give up the dream people, we are Americans and we don’t know how to read words on paper anymore. We don’t need to continue this silly charade! Nobody really wants to curl up with a book and a cup of tea in their window. Try a 2-liter of X-treme Nitro-Nacho Mountain Dew and 4 hours of Farmville on Facebook while sitting in front of the TV.

God bless us.

Tags: architecture, books, homes

Enough already.

Hey hand-made crafting hipster nerds, let’s move on to the next fad, shall we? If I see one more cutesy retro squirrel I am going to drop my pants, pull out my wang and fuck it. I don’t care what it is, it’s getting fucked. Letterpress card… fucked! Pillow… fucked! T-shirt (on a hanger or being worn)… fucked! Tattoo on your face… FUCKED!

Have you ever gone to a Renegade Craft Fair? Just try and find something without a whimsical cute thing on it. What is this desire to live life as a 6-year-old? Yeah, it was fun being a kid but I’ve moved on to more worthwhile things and I enjoy doing adult things like driving a car and putting breasts in my hands. Do you realize I could go buy a chainsaw RIGHT NOW if I felt like it? That’s what being a grown up is all about, boobs and chainsaws.

PUT A BIRD ON IT!

Tags: cute, douchebags, hipsters, whimsy

The owners of this dog might like to believe their dog is saying “I love you” but, in reality, this poor dog is saying “Please stop saying those words to me, I don’t know what they mean, I just want to watch a little TV on this romantic four post bed before I go take a shit in the living room. I hate yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!”

You know how I know dogs can’t say I love you? Because you never see videos of Mexican dogs saying “Te Amo” or Chinese dogs saying “我愛你.” Apparently dogs can only express love in English. More evidence that AMERICA RULES! Yeah, that’s right, America is the only country that speaks English!

Why don’t these genius talking dogs ever proclaim anything other than their unconditional love for their jackass owners? You never see a cute Youtube clip of some dog saying “Let’s go for a walk” or “Toss me that tennis ball” or “I honestly believe Lee Harvey Oswald did, in fact, act aloooooone!”

Tags: animals, assholes, dogs, douchebags, youtube

I’m sure all you world wide web “surfers” have been asking yourself where the gosh heck I have been. First of all, watch your language. Secondly, there is no second part, I’ve just been blowing it off.

Since June 30th, 2008 I have written pretty much 5 days a week for a total of 633 posts. There have been 527,068 visitors to youjustmademylist and in the 10,936 comments left on this site so far, I have been accused of living in my mom’s basement approximately 800 times. I have spoken with, and completely blown off (for some dumb reason), a reputable literary agent who wanted to see some treatments for a book and I will most likely be murdered by a Juggalo within the next 3-4 months (if they weren’t too fucking lazy to get their fat piece of shit asses off the couch).

So what does all that mean? It probably means I’m awesome but I’m not sure.

Am I quitting this blog? I don’t know. I don’t think so but to be honest, it’s hard to find the time lately. I’m so fucking talented at my job that I’ve been working 12-14 hour days. Plus, I’m moving to Hawaii at the end of the summer (my mom is moving her basement there, I have no choice) and it is not a simple move. It basically involves me completely dismantling my life and selling almost everything I own.

Blah blah blah, this is starting to sound like a “real” blog where people share their feelings. Sorry.

SO… I think I will be back very soon but I’m not entirely sure anyone cares. I was sure the world would end when I stopped writing but, much to my disappointment, Guy Fieri and Creed still have a planet to walk around on.

Sincerely,
Listy (The most awesome person in the world)

Tags: assholes, blogs, me

Remember those kids in high school who would randomly wear their clothes backwards one day as some sort of sad protest against prom or something? They were the kind of nerds who didn’t try to disappear into the background but would instead call jocks “homo erectus” right to their face about two seconds prior to being tied up with their own 25 foot Dr. Who scarf and stuffed into a book bag. These are the same people who are now charging you $500 to eat menus and inhale walnut air. The nerds have won.

Sorry, I know this makes me an “old man” who “hates fun” but I find molecular gastronomy to be insufferable and fucking annoying. I honestly think I would rather *GULP* go to dinner at Guy Fieri’s house than have some asshole sell me a frozen raisin that was aged for two weeks in a room with a stereo playing nothing but Belle and Sebastian.

Fuck you and your stupid edible menu. Oh my GOD, I relate to nothing!

Tags: assholes, douchebags, dumb, food, molecular gastronomy, restaurants, the worst thing ever

Well, it’s official, the universe will implode on February 5th, 2011 at 11:30 Eastern Standard Time.

The earth will rip apart and just as the molten goo from the center of our planet begins to melt your skin off, you will have just enough time to reflect on all the time you wasted carefully placing 20 pillows on your bed every morning. You will beg God for another chance to live life to the fullest but your screaming prayers will go unanswered, because the instant Dana Carvey and Linkin Park share the Saturday Night Live stage, heaven will be the first thing to explode. Poof… no more God. Satan is calling the shots now, pal. It’s over.

Tags: dana carvey, douchebags, linkin park, music, the end of the world, TV

Why is this “job” of mine always getting in the way? You’d think that after working 12-14 hour days I would be in the mood to spend an hour writing about Guy Fieri, but surprisingly I choose to sleep face-down in my clothes until the next morning when I get up and Groundhog Day it all over again. Mo money, mo problems.

Tags: me

Come on, really? I mean… what? I don’t need this shit, not today, not ever. Why?

Tags: art, assholes, babies, idiots, sponge painting, the end of the world, the worst thing ever