Jan 14 2010
I give up. What in the fucking fuck is going on? I honestly don’t know what is worse, a lamb born with a human face or a straight edge douchewad with tribal earrings and a fucking Adam Duritz back tattoo. For once, I am speechless. I need you to decide for me while I drink myself to death.
Jan 13 2010
Fuck!
I sat down today to write about how I am always tricked by the intro to songs by the band Chicago. What I mean is that a song by Chicago will come on the radio and I will think “Oh this must be that one song by Chicago that I like” but then after the intro it will start sucking and I reach for the dial. At least that’s what I thought, until tonight.
I’ve been combing through Youtube clips trying to find songs to support this important theory but I keep finding songs that are good all the way through. I thought I nailed it with “Feeling Stronger Everyday” but realized I kind of like the whole song.
This might not seem important to you, but it has really shaken me to my core. I have spent the last few decades HATING the band Chicago and now, in the blink of an eye, I like them. Imagine if you were molested by your uncle and then 20 years later you suddenly thought, “You know what, that was fun.” That’s how I feel right now.
Now let’s not get crazy though, I’m only talking about 70s Chicago. 80s Chicago is horrendous. In fact, shove this piece of shit in your head holes. Take special note of two things while watching this. First notice the douche in the beginning of the clip who is way overly excited when he realizes what song they are starting to play. He turns to his big-breasted date and yells “YEAH” with enthusiasm that most men save for touchdowns and killer putts. Not to mention the fact that he’s wearing some bullshit, tucked-in, corporate logo shirt AND a giant class ring. Shit, I should have just written the whole post about this turd. The second thing to look for is the woman in the audience at the 0:37 mark who hears what song it is and promptly decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. I like that the song inspires her to go take a dump while over in the 4th row that other guy is crying tears of joy all over his girlfriend’s cleavage and single red rose.
Oh my God, this clip is PAINFUL! Are any original band members even in this clip?
What the hell was this post even about? I need more beers.
Jan 11 2010
Congratulations Bud Light, you made a beverage that technically is drinkable. (slow clap)
Let’s not waste any time debating whether or not Bud Light is, in fact, drinkable. Clearly it is not. It’s one small step above poison and one giant leap below walrus diarrhea. Instead, I would like to discuss the saddest tag line in the history of advertising.
Bud Light is essentially saying to you “Hey, at least you can drink it without dying.” Let me ask you this tough guy, would you feel confident eating at a restaurant who proudly boasted “Jimbo’s Pizza, it’s edible.” How about “Potato Town, our food can safely be crammed down your throat.” Perhaps you would buy a car from Ford if they proclaimed “Basically it pretty much drives.”
The real question is, what the fuck are you doing drinking Bud Light in the first place? Why bother drinking at that point? I’m embarrassed for you, broski.
Jan 11 2010
Holy shit.
I thought I was going to write about adults who still wear giant class rings but I stumbled upon something so disturbing and underground that I feel it is my duty as an American to shine a light on this ugly and repulsive phenomenon. I have just discovered there are graduation supplies for homeschooled weirdos. I will never be the same again.
I’m sorry but if you are homeschooled there are a few things you are going to miss out on. For example, unless you plan on having sex with your sister, there is a pretty good chance you won’t be getting laid at your prom. Truth be told, I did not get laid at my prom, but at least I had a chance! I had no chance. I did, on the other hand, manage to drive all the way home with my headlights off because I was so nervous, so I’ve got that going for me.
I mean, what could your graduation ceremony even consist of? Your mom draped in a bed sheet, reading off a long list of your high school accomplishments while standing on a kitchen chair? It’s not too difficult to be valedictorian or captain of the Bible team when it’s just you and your mom sitting alone in the kitchen 5 days a week.
Jan 07 2010
OK, I have decided to just take his week off and I will be back on Monday, so pull up your panties and quit crying like an Oprah fan who just received a free hemorrhoid pillow. It took me approximately 37 tries to spell “hemorrhoid” correctly.
So fuck all of you until Monday!
Jan 05 2010
Sorry guys, I have been absolutely swamped and have been trying to get ready for a move on top of everything. I should put my entire life on my list because it SUCKS BALLS right now. I will be back, I promise.
Who cares?
Dec 31 2009
Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:
– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.
Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!
I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.
Dec 30 2009
Thanks for cock-blocking me Mother Nature, you bitch.
Can I just have one tiny bit of pleasure in life? Is it too much to ask? I didn’t start this sneeze, I didn’t ask for this sneeze, but for the love of all things holy can you just let me finish what YOU started? Not getting that sneeze out is like going to a Metallica concert and after the stadium lights go down the fucking Spin Doctors walk out on stage and start Two Prince-ing and Little Miss Can’t be Wrong-ing all over the place. Although, nowadays it might actually be like going to a Metallica concert and Metallica walks on stage.* Can someone awesome please just walk on stage and can I PLEASE just finish this goddamn sneeze!
In other disturbing sneezing news, did you realize there is a sexual fetish for sneezing? Seriously, click here, but be warned it is kind of like porn. Kind of.
*You see, Metallica are old now and no longer rock as they once did in their youth. Therefore, if today’s Metallica took the stage it might be a disappointment, much like not being able to sneeze.
