I heard that the original title of the new Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank and her teeth was “Amelia Earhart: Jus’ Wavin’.” Judging from the trailer, this would have been an appropriate title.
I count at least 12 people waving in this trailer, not including the double wave by Swank at 1:35! Considering this represents less than 2 minutes of the film, I am conservatively estimating that the movie itself contains approximately 8,437 waves. This estimate does not include scenes of waving crowds. With crowd waving included, I would increase that figure to about 3.5 million waving hands.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch people wave almost as much as I enjoy waving myself. In high school I was Vice President of the Waving Club and after college I thought briefly about turning pro. Sadly, an unfortunate incident with a ceiling fan put an end to my waving career. Sure, I still do a little waving on the weekends when the weather is nice but it’s nothing like when I was at my peak.
Maybe Amelia Earhart should have spent a little less time waving and a little more time not crashing into the ocean.
How many blades do we need? This is outrageous! Outrageously AWESOME!
Yeah, I was once an idiot like you. I would sit around all day saying “Five blades is too many, what is with this crazy nonsense?” I would mock razor commercials touting their 2 blades, then their 3 blades, next 4 blades! “When will this end?” I thought to myself. I am here to tell you it should never end!
A few years ago a free Gillette Fusion razor showed up in my mail like an unwanted, screaming baby left on a church doorstep. I wanted to punch it in its face. That cocky son of a bitch thought it was so fucking cool with its five blades. It remained untouched until one day when I realized I was out of razors. I reluctantly opened the package and placed the ridiculously large collection of blades to my handsome face. Listen to me when I tell you that a unicorn flew out of my butt as I pulled the razor across my skin for the first time.
You think five blades is enough? Guess again dick head, the Fusion has a sixth blade hiding on the backside for all your hard to get areas. You can even shave inside your god damn nose with that sixth blade!
I want to make sure you understand that I am not being hilarious and sarcastic, I really DO love this razor! Five blades really DO make a huge difference. I bet seven blades would be even more awesome. Why stop there, give me ten or twelve blades! Make a glove covered in 100 razors and I will use it.
Well, I guess it’s time to write about these crimes against humanity because there is a song sweeping the nation all about them. Who am I kidding? I’m using the fact that there is this stupid song as an excuse to put very little effort into this. LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M BUSY!
The truth is that I really do hate these fast food combo restaurants. How can I possibly decide between Taco Bell diarrhea or E. Coli from the Pizza Hut salad bar? I won’t choose so don’t ask!
Now, let’s talk about this Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song by Das Racist. I know nothing about this duo, but they scream New York ironic hipster to me. You know what really makes me mad about this song? I fucking LIKE it! I deserve to have my ears removed for tolerating this shit.
I know I already wrote some brilliant prose about pimp costumes today but I can no longer bite my tongue on the subject of Balloon Boy and his fucked up family. I wasn’t going to write about them because honestly there is nothing I could say that you have not already thought yourself. But now that I have seen the Henne family rap song I want the entire family tossed in jail.
Check out the Henne brothers rapping about pussification, shitting, farting, pissing and “Faggots.” What a classy family.
Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag? Answer: No.
I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!
I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!
I’m not sure how many other cities have these electronic bus ads so this post might be meaningless to most people. Here goes anyway…
I was parked at a red light tonight, minding my own business, trying to decide if I should pop in my Nickelback or my Creed CD into the stereo, when all of a sudden my car filled with blue light. I thought a UFO had landed next to me so I figured I might as well pull down my pants and bend over for the inevitable probing. So there I was on a busy Chicago street bent over with my pants around my ankles, waiting for a little gray man to stick his E.T. finger up my butt. Well, turns out I really had egg on my face when I realized it was just an obnoxiously bright LED ad on the side of a CTA bus that pulled up next to me. I really felt like a first class stinker head!
These ads are fucking dangerous! I was literally blinded by a tampon ad when I casually looked out my car window. Do you know how pissed I would be if the last thing I saw on this earth was a 4 foot glowing tampon?
Oh, in case you were wondering, I decided to put both the Nickelback CD AND the Creed CD in at the same time. I had to eject them after only a few seconds though because blood and feces began to shoot out of the speakers.
To be fair, CNN is not the only network playing with giant iPhones and ridiculous “holograms,” but I think they were the first so they deserve to be punished.
Every time I see John King or Anderson Cooper fingering that giant screen on CNN, a little barf comes up. Can someone explain to me how some turd in a suit molesting a map helps me better understand election results or the 5 day weather forecast? It may look cool but it’s utterly useless. I hate that the news has to look like the fucking X-Games now. Ooooh look, Wolf Blitzer is standing up, this newscast is EXTREME, TO THE MAX! I think I mostly blame Fox News for this style of news. Maybe I mostly blame dumb Americans. I might also blame Mtv. Maybe I just blame everyone who isn’t me.
I miss the days of anchors like Walter Cronkite who actually understood the news they were reporting. Cronkite didn’t need to slide shit all over the screen to deliver the news, he just looked you in the eye and said “Sit down, shut up, here’s the news.”
Did you know people still wear these? I thought they had all been retired to thrift stores, only to be resurrected for the occasional “bad sweater party,” but the other day while filling my car with gas I saw one of these walking by on an actual human. I poured 3 gallons of gas all over my shoes before I snapped back to reality. Did I really just see that? It’s burned into my memory like that famous photo of Big Foot casually walking through the woods, only this Sasquatch looked like he had been barfed on by a unicorn.
Speaking of barfing up a Cosby Sweater, check out #1.
Anyhoo… How is it possible that a living, breathing human with eyes could see one of these monstrosities and think, “Oh yeah. I need a sweater that looks like it’s made form the tears of 1000 clowns.” The bigger mystery is who invented this style of sweater? Wait, and even bigger question is why are they still being produced?
I bet if you put that douchebag Guy Fieri in a giant blender the end result would look remarkably like a Cosby Sweater.
