You just made my list!

Don’t panic fans of the Magic Eraser, this is a rare collector’s edition post about something I LIKE! Like? Fuck that, I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I want to marry the Magic Eraser and have a cold beer waiting for it as soon as it walks in the door after a long day of awesomely cleaning shit up. The Magic Eraser is the single greatest invention on the face of this planet.

Don’t try to tell me in your annoying voice that, “The computer is the most important invention ever” because you are wrong and you are an idiot for thinking that. That is, unless you are using your stupid computer for purchasing Magic Erasers.

Magic Eraser is to sponge, what Jesus is to babies born in barns. Even Mr. Jesus Christ scratches his head in disbelief when cleaning up various surfaces in heaven with a Magic Eraser and thinks, “Oh my dad, this thing is amazing!”

If you have never tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser you are a moron and a jerk. You are a loser and your house is dirty. Your light switches are covered in smudges and your refrigerator handles are filthy. No wonder girls never want to have sex with you.

Tags: magic eraser, products, the greatest thing ever

This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.

If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.

Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?

There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?

I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?

Fuck Polanski and fuck anyone who supports him.

Tags: assholes, celebrities, douchebags, idiots, Jerks, movies

I’m going to throw up.

God really fucked up when he created the centipede. I mean what the hell was he thinking? If his intention was to create an insect so creepy that it could cause me to piss my pants every time I see one, then bravo God, you win! There is only one thing worse than a living centipede, and that’s a freshly killed centipede. It’s not enough that they look like an 8th grade mustache scooting across your wall when they are alive, but they somehow manage to look even more disgusting when dead with their twitching, hairy legs.

Way to go God, you dick.

Tags: animals, assholes, cetipedes, douchebags, god, gross, insects

90% of the time when I’m driving and I see another driver make a jackass move, they are busy texting away. I drive up next to them and give them a look that says, “I disapprove of you and your ways.” 92% of the time I am stranded behind someone at a stop sign or a green light it’s because the car in front of me is texting their friend important information like “I M in car, B ther in 5. LOL.” I’m not sure why they are texting LOL at the end of that but I’m sure they are.

Get off your fucking phone and stop driving like you are playing Grand Theft Auto and purposely trying to run down prostitutes.

That is, unless you are me.

I was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m that good at driving. I’m even better at driving while writing emails, buying shit on eBay, texting, playing PacMan and looking at porn on my iPhone. I once watched an entire season of Lost on my phone while driving 115 miles per hour through the desert. I wasn’t even wearing a shirt for Christ’s sake!

You, on the other hand, drive like a cockknuckle while texting on your less-cool-than-the-iPhone phone of yours. The next time your texting gets in the way of my trip to Red Lobster, I’m going to pull up next to you and pee in your window. You have been warned.

Speaking of texting, I would like to admit to the dumbest idea I have ever had. I am ashamed of myself for this “invention” but I feel that sharing it will somehow cleanse me. Here goes…

I was driving and thought “Wouldn’t it be easier to text if I could just speak into the phone and it would use voice recognition to create a text?” Well idiot, here’s an idea, instead of speaking a text message how’s about you just fucking call the other person and SPEAK it directly to them. I hate myself for being that dumb.

Tags: assholes, bad drivers, car, cell phones, douchebags, dumb, idiots, Jerks, me, texting

Come on, joke’s over everyone.

How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?

I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.

In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.

Tags: america, american chopper, assholes, douchebags, dumb, fashion, hats, white trash

Barf.

I hate anything that has to do with shins, eyeballs or gums. Gums are profoundly disgusting to me. I take good care of my teeth and brush several times a day but I would rather get a salsa colonic than floss. I recently started flossing every night, rather than once a week, and it’s ruining my life. Every time that tiny string shoots through my teeth and slams into that little gum flap I practically faint.

Can’t they invent a laser or something that will do my flossing for me in the blink of an eye while I flex my muscles in the mirror. Oh yeah, I should mention that I always floss in the nude. There I set you up for some jokes, let’s see what ya got!

Tags: flossing, me, teeth, the worst thing ever

Hold on a second, I’m getting a text… What’s that? Meet at Monica’s pool? Bring Smirnoff Ice, turntables, foam cushions and an ironic hat? What are my crazy friends up to now?!?

You know why none of these wacky commercials featuring hipsters organizing and pulling off crazy magical stunts make any sense? Because douchebag hipsters lack the ability to get off their dirty asses to do anything, unless it involves 10 speed bikes and/or skinny jeans. If real hipsters were to attempt to fill a pool with foam and jump into it, I can guarantee the local emergency room would be filled with ironic mustaches and body odor that night.

Much like the world’s most ridiculous appropriation of “youth culture” for advertising purposes, these commercials ask you to believe the world is filled with twenty-somethings dressed in thrift store clothes who spend their days doing awesome secret stuff. The kind of stuff that you remember the rest of your life, like eating fake mayonnaise on a roof! Sounds KILLER dude!

Hey, let’s steal some cushions, ruin a pool and share our lice!

Hey, let’s steal lifesaving fire extinguishers and vandalize a gas station!

Hey, let’s wreck a highway and then put our smelly heads close together while driving on it, as if leaning over helps you hear better, you dicks!

Hey, let’s break into a cemetery and wreck it with our body odor!

Tags: commercials, douchebags, drinking, hipsters, TV

I’ll be back to share my important opinions tomorrow.

Tags: me