Yeah, I know, why can’t I just enjoy wacky art cars like everyone else? Shut up hippie, don’t you have some armpits to not wash?
While you are excitedly posing for a photo with these cluster fucks, I shoot hate lasers out of my eyes at you. You can’t feel it, but from my point-of-view, it’s pretty devastating. I can’t decide who I hate more, you for liking these dumb cars, or the hippie turd who spent the last 5 years gluing doll heads and action figures to his mom’s car when he could have used that time showering. It’s such a sad cry for attention, even more so than blogging.
The thing is, there is no art involved in the creation of an art car. Sticking dirty toys to something is not art. These lazy hippies can’t even come up with an idea more original than doll heads and Happy Meal toys. Does anyone like hippies? I don’t even think hippies like hippies.
I’m tired. This post sucked. It sucked, but not as much as art cars, you hippie.
If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.
Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.
Stop the madness! Steven, God is obviously trying to kill you, or at the very least send you a message. Give it up! Stop dancing around like an old, drunk slut at a bar who just played an entire Bob Seger album on the jukebox. Go be an old lady somewhere and stop making me look at you. Seriously, at this point your face has more wrinkles than my saggy balls on a hot summer day.*
Aerosmith has about 7-10 good songs. Unfortunately, the rest of their shitty songs are so God-awful that it has made it impossible to enjoy their good songs. I’m sure Carrot Top has one or two good jokes, but the remainder of his material would prevent me from finding them funny. For every 3 shitty songs you write, a good one is erased from the face of the earth.
Janie’s Got A Gun
+
Dude (Looks Like A Lady)
+
Rag Doll
=
NO MORE TOYS IN THE ATTIC
It’s simple math.
*for those of you who do not have balls, the hotter they get, the longer and more horrible they become.
Enjoy this video of God trying to stop Steven Tyler for good
Thanks for giving me the names of all your kids, it will be much easier to kidnap “Boogers” from the playground with that info.
These stupid bumper stickers have been mentioned in comments before on this site, but it’s time they got their due. They have more than earned their place on my list. I don’t give a shit about your stupid anorexic family, I just want to drive behind your slow-moving minivan in peace. I don’t need to know the intimate details of your life. I don’t need the pressure of trying to figure out everyone’s hobbies from the rudimentary cave drawings you have provided. Perhaps you could also display your tax returns for the last 3 years, your resume and the kids’ grades? Tell me, who is Booger’s favorite Jonas Brother?
The thing that really bothers me about this crap is everyone’s willingness to be the same. I hate fads. I guarantee these turds have a box of “valuable” Beanie Babies collecting dust in their basement and a full assortment of Crocs waiting by the door. It’s ironic that these decals end up making every family look exactly the same.
If you are reading this post from your iPhone while sitting in the waiting room at one of the thousands of hair salons hilariously named “Shear” something, I can promise you 3 things… 1) you are about to get a shitty haircut 2) you are sitting within 5 feet of a Nagel-style window decal and 3) you don’t really own an iPhone, that’s your VCR remote.
I’m sure the first person to come up with this hilarious pun probably sat straight up in the middle of the night and screamed, “I’ve got it! Shear Talent! Ed. Ed. Ed. ED, WAKE UP! I finally have a name for my salon!” I’m also sure Ed rolled back over and prayed to the Lord to kill him in his sleep. I will give this first person a pass, but this madness (shear madness?) needs to stop. The Government needs to forget all this health care nonsense and immediately put an end to any new salon wanting to be named “Shear” something. Priorities!
Just when you thought hipsters had run out of ways to be ironic, those geniuses figured out a way to tap into one more ridiculous trend… the beer belly. According to The New York Times, looking like a fat tub of shit is now cool. The New York City dump is about to be flooded with useless skinny jeans.
I see a problem though. The fat trend is not going to work very well with the trend to be vegan. Then there’s smoking, a habit many hipsters use as a way make their body odor even worse. Smoking has been the skinny hipster’s friend for many years but it could really slow the transformation from cool heroin skeleton to beer-guzzling bubba. I’m thinking a new industry will have to grow around this trend. I’m going to start a “diet” magazine called “Brooklyn Gut” for hipsters looking for tips on weight gain and beer belly shaping. My first article will be titled “Critical Mass Won’t Give You That Critical ASS: Time to Give Up Your Bike.”
SHIT, what will happen to American Apparel? They are going to be working day and night making XXXL ironic shiny disco pants and satin jackets! Luckily their employees are so well-paid and have the best working… SHUT UP!
Is this why Kevin Federline is so fucking hugely fucking god damn fucking fat now? Is K-Fed a trend-setter?
Sorry, no “real” post today. I met the love of my life and we have spent so much time in the bedroom I simply can’t find the time to write for the site. Her name is Icy Spicy Leoncie and she is probably the most talented singer/songwriter/performer/lover on the planet! THE WHOLE PLANET! Jealous? Yes, you are.
Leoncie and I just love to have fun.
My favorite song about getting killed while jogging in the park.
