We get it, your kid is awesome. Your kid is the best at everything and the rest of us should pull to the right when we see you on the road so that you may pass unfettered. We should all bow our heads in shame, and if we are unlucky enough to be in the car with our own worthless children, we should look them right in their stupid eyes and say, “Why can’t you be more like that kid? You really do suck, do you know that? Now get that beef jerky out of your nose before I drive this minivan into the nearest lake.”
And guess what? I also don’t care that your Golden Retriever is smarter than that lady’s honor student. First of all, I doubt that is true, I mean how would you even test such a thing? Sure, your dog is smarter than my dumbass kid, but how can we know for sure that it’s smarter than an honor student at Ben Franklin Elementary? We simply can’t.
You know who wore Members Only jackets? My dad in 1985. You know who looked cool in his Members Only jacket? Nobody.
Nobody ever looked cool in a Members Only jacket but compared to this hipster turd, my dad looked like fucking Burt Reynolds. At least my dad was trying to look awesome, unlike hipsters who want you to believe they look like assholes on purpose. Ironic hipsters think they can hide the fact that they are dorks by making you believe they are dorky on purpose. American Apparel has based most of their products on this theory.
Well I for one have had enough of this bullshit, so ironic hipsters beware because I’m going to be shaving your mustaches and shredding your Members Only bullshit the next time I see you.
I would give an example of what I’m talking about if I knew the name of a single current pop star. Instead I will have to describe it.
I hear these shitty songs at the gym or at stores all the time. You know the ones, they are generic, soulless “R&B” hits that sound like they are sung by C3PO. I think Kanye West did an entire album as a robot, if I’m not mistaken. I wish I was mistaken.
Not only does this studio technique sound ridiculous, but it also illustrates the utter lack of a single creative or original thought in modern popular music. But now you say in a whiny voice, “pop music is always like that, no matter what decade you are talking about,” to which I reply, “shut up, even when I’m wrong I’m probably right.” Either way, it’s fucking annoying to listen to while I’m blasting my pecs and pumping my quads. Plus, I am genuinely concerned that robots are taking over the world.
“We will not be quiet!
We will not try to blend in!
We will not disappear in the background or play second fiddle!
We’re not like the others, we won’t ever try to be!”
You might think this battle cry was overheard at a recent gay marriage rally but NO, you stupid idiot, that’s your mayonnaise talking, bitch!
Fuck you world, I love Miracle Whip and if you don’t like it you can eat my creamy, white shit. Don’t try and tell ME and MY generation what condiments we should eat. Take your old man sandwich spread and shove it up your old man ass because guess what motherfucker, I’m going to eat Miracle Whip with a spoon while getting a mohawk. Look dude, I don’t care if I spill a little M-Whip on my Ron Paul poster, because that’s the way it goes man when you are fucking vibing on a jar of the Whip! Now if you will excuse me, I have to comb my ironic mustache and down a little Whip before going to my bike messenger job. Jealous?
You can have my Miracle Whip when you pry it from my COLD, DEAD, FAT HAND!
OK, this is a total cop out post because my computer is going to be crunching something big for the next several hours and I only have a couple minutes to post something. I’m also super tired from a nap. I hate naps. Have I written about naps before? I think so. Fuck you, naps!
Anyhoo, my cousin sent this video to me a few hours ago and I am still trying to locate my balls, which promptly crawled deep into my body after only about 15 seconds of viewing these freaks losing their shit over the new Twilight trailer.
If you have ears and balls, prepare to fight the urge to remove all 4 of them.
These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.
Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.
Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!
I am not a fan of fussy interior design, especially when it is taken to such an extreme. What kind of a psychotic maniac wants to spend 45 minutes every night excavating through a pile of pillows like some earthquake rescue worker? Oh and guess what, you get to spend most of your morning replacing these functionless pillows in just the right order while the rest of us normal people sleep in until the last possible second before work.
These pillow people are obviously unstable and could snap at any moment. Move one pillow out of order and you’ve got another Jeffrey Dahmer on your ass. Yeah, that’s right, these horrible pillow people are worse than Osama Bin Laden!
