Does this piece of shit commercial only run in Chicago? If you have not seen it, I apologize in advance for ruining your day. I might even be ruining the joy of cooking a meal that ends with a playful food fight with your lover, and I know how much you love that.
The level of fake fun in this Luna commercial is excruciating! If given the choice of kicking either Guy Fieri or this spatula-singing fuckface in the balls, I would seriously have to think about it for several minutes before kicking them both in the nuts and acting like I misunderstood the question.
I’m sorry.
While doing my “research” I discovered that Luna has been around for a long time. Although I grew up in the Chicago area I have never seen these gems. They almost make up for the “Free Flooring” cock-licker.
FUCK! I spent the last 9 months cleansing the brain space that had previously been invaded by “We Like to Party” by the Vengaboys but thanks to a new round of annoying Six Flags commercials it’s right back in there.
I know I already wrote about Six Flags and their mind-numbing commercials that seem to run during EVERY SINGLE commercial break but the gates of hell have opened once again, only this time Mr. Six is actually speaking. It makes me very uncomfortable and I want it to stop as soon as it starts, sort of like an inappropriate hug from a step uncle. On a side note, I just googled “step uncle” to see if it was one word or two and discovered this insanity…
“I have a freind [sic] who is dating her step uncle, they are not related by blood at all, but is it right? because i feel i should advise my freind [sic] on this!”
“Step uncle-step niece relationships are not prohibited under Leviticus 18 in and of itself. As long as, they are of age I don’t see the problem.”
I’m sorry for my lack of focus but what the hell?
OK, what was I talking about? Who cares. I also saw that Mr. Six is on Twitter which reminds me, follow me on Twitter if you want to ruin your day, possibly week.
God, this is the worst site on the internet, why are you still bothering with me?
I made the mistake of accidentally seeing the last 10 minutes of American Idol last night and now I want to hide inside my testicles for the rest of my life. When Adam Lambert and the other douchebag finalist started singing Queen’s “We Are The Champions” I was already booking my flight to L.A. so that I might kick them in their smooth areas. But I was not prepared for what was about to happen next. The stage opened up and there were the surviving members of Queen backing up these turd wads. Yeah, the real fucking god damn QUEEN sharing the stage and taking a backseat to those two motherfuckers! I don’t want to live in a world where Queen has to share a stage with Adam Lambert’s eyeliner. I’m sure as I write this Freddie Mercury’s corpse is zombie walking its way to Brian May’s house looking for answers.
Fuck Threadless and their oh-so-clever bullshit! I hate the cult of Threadless.
If you do not know what Threadless is, take a moment to high-five yourself for being awesome. Threadless is a website where people send in their cutesy little t-shirt designs and an online community of lonely teens and aging hipsters with tiny glasses vote on which crappy doodle gets produced on actual t-shirts. Once these shirts are produced all the Threadless zombies rejoice and cum in their panties because every week they can buy more shirts with precious scribbles on them.
Do I think every Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I do honesty hate 98% of them. Do I think anyone who owns a Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I really can’t stand it when people are obsessed with them.
You know how there are just some things in life you hate but can’t quite explain why? Well this is not one of those things for me, I fucking hate Threadless.
I seriously cannot go a single day without seeing at least one person throwing up on TV. You may think that I only watch shows featuring Bret Michaels and the diseased whores who love him but honestly I never watch those shows. Television barfing is no longer relegated to the inky shadows of Bret Michaels’ tour bus, it’s everywhere!
A couple days ago, I saw no less than 4 people puking on 4 separate TV shows! I wish I could remember the shows because they weren’t all programs you would expect to see such a reversal of fortune. I will just make them up… Jeopardy, Meet the Press, The Weather Channel and let’s say Sesame Street.
When did it this trend become commonplace? Was I in a coma for 100 years?
Speaking of TV and how the universe is against me… How the fuck does Rubina Ali, child star of “Slumdog Millionaire,” have a better TV than I do when she lives in goddamn slum?!? No seriously, she lives in a real-life Indian slum. Do I do everything wrong?
Hey everyone, sorry but I’ll be back tomorrow. Does that mean “sorry that I’m not back today” or “sorry that you will have to start reading my poorly written, useless thoughts again.” You decide.
I’m sorry to say that I need to take a break from the list. I honestly feel very bad about it but I have some personal issues to deal with first. I’m just not able to complain about American Idol and poop right now. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry.
I hope to be back soon so don’t totally give up on me.
If you know me personally, there is a good chance you know that I hate to poop. You may also know that I can go several days without pooping. Those poop-free days feel like a gift from God. I would imagine it feels not unlike getting a call from the Governor that spares you from the electric chair.
I am not trying to be funny or outrageous with these claims, I honestly hate everything about pooping. People often try to convince me that “pooping feels soooo good” but I will never understand how forcing a tube of warm, smelly feces out of my butthole is supposed to feel good. I feel sad and humiliated while taking a dump. You know the way most dogs look embarrassed when pooping in public? I’m sure I look exactly the same every time I poop.
Pooping at home is bad enough but the panic I feel when I realize I am going to have to shit in a public bathroom is unrivaled. Taking a shit in an airport might be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. NO, pooping on the plane is even worse.
I need to go lie down.
p.s. I love farting! I just wanted to clear that up.
