I’m back from vacation and ready to complain so let’s get started!
Imagine that it is early morning and you find yourself in line at an airport McDonalds. It is a slow moving line but one that offers a good view of the 5 things available on the menu. You don’t even bother glancing at the board though because even though you only eat at McDonalds 4 times a year you have their fart-inducing menu memorized. You probably even know the number of the meal deal you want. It’s all so easy and soon you will be pooping your McDonalds in a Mexican toilet. Life is good.
Now imagine standing in line behind some creepy guy on his way to a creepy Christian camp who is holding a creepy dirty pillow covered in his creepy head filth. Although the sight of this pillow is almost enough to make you second guess breakfast you stick with it because you have a 4 hour long flight to Mexico in a couple minutes. You are FINALLY the second person in line and only have to wait for shit pillow to order and move on. Surely pillow man will say something like “I’ll have a #4 with a medium orange juice” and be on his way to the most funnest Christian camp in the world!
What happens next baffles you though. When dirty pillow is ready to order he says, “um, do you have donuts?” Donuts? McDonuts? When told no he says, “Really, no donuts? Um, how about rolls? Bagels?” ROLLS? DONUTS?
Well, it’s my last day of vacation and I thought it would be nice to head into the weekend with a true classic. Christian Bale isn’t worthy to hold Jack Rebney’s dirty underwear! Now THIS is how to go nuts on the set! I’m so old I first saw the Winnebago Man before all this “internet” business. Yeah, I saw it on good old fashioned VHS video tape! See you losers Monday!
“It ain’t worth it. Not this shit, it ain’t fucking worth it.”
I’m still on vacation and no doubt drunk. I’m writing this a week before I actually leave for the beach but I’m guessing as you read this I am currently being oiled up on the beach by 4 sexy island women. Does anyone miss me?
I love cable access weirdness! It does not get much weirder than John Kilduff’s “Let’s Paint, Exercise and…” program. GENIUS! More Let’s Paint TV here.
Yeah, that’s right, I finally snapped! I couldn’t take it any longer and had to escape to the beach. I’m not saying which beach because I don’t need one of my many fans to stalk me and try to sell photos of me on vacation to TMZ. Rest assured I will be warm and toasty as I do absolutely nothing all day, every day for a week. Knowing how fragile my readers can be and how empty your lives are without me, I have decided to give you a full week of things I actually LIKE rather than shut the site down. Don’t get too excited, I’m not writing shit. I’m just going to post some cool/funny/interesting/dumb videos. Feel free to say terrible things about me while I’m gone because I will not be checking in.
OK, I will explain this one time and one time only… NEVER put ketchup on a hot dog!
The only exception is if you are a child. I have come up with a handy way to know if you are too old to put ketchup on a hot dog. If you are old enough to grow pubes you are too old to put ketchup on a hot dog. It’s that simple. As Maurie Berman, owner of Superdawg, says “Ketchup on a hot dog is an abomination!”
So what is allowed on your precious wiener?
– All-Beef frank, grilled not boiled
– Neon green relish
– Raw white onion
– Yellow mustard
– Cucumber slices
– Tomato wedges
– Shredded lettuce
– Dill pickle spear
– Celery salt
– Hot sport peppers (optional but advised)
– All resting nicely on a steamed poppy seed bun
In Chicago this is known as “dragging it through the garden.” As a hot dog expert I can tell you there are no better hot dogs than in Chicago. New York easily wins the pizza battle but Chicago owns the hot dog.
(said in annoying whiny voice) “But I like ketchup on my hot dogs.” BULLSHIT! Stop embarrassing yourself.
Best Chicago style hot dog: Murphy’s Red Hots – 1211 W. Belmont, Chicago Best fancy dogs: Hot Doug’s – 3324 N. California, Chicago
