You just made my list!

I want to hate Ryan Seacrest so bad! I want the sight of his face to make poop involuntarily explode from my ass. I’m not sure why I would want that to happen now that I think of it. Let’s just say every cell in my body tells me to hate this turd but I can’t do it. I LIKE RYAN SEACREST and I want the world to know it!

You know what, good for him for realizing his only talent is being a bland nice guy and making a career of it. If there was a computer programmed to create humans and you instructed it to create the absolute least offensive person possible it would shoot out Ryan Seacrest. On paper that sounds like reason enough to hate him but it’s not. There are plenty of bland celebrities worthy of your anger but they are offensively boring. Ryan is just lovably boring.

So who’s offensively bland? People like Pete Wentz, Jay Leno and Gwen Stefani are aggressively boring to me whereas Ryan is just lovably middle-of-the-road. He’s smart too. He stays out of trouble and works hard at being America’s nice guy. It’s making him rich and making me fall in love with him.

Maybe it’s the fever talking.

Tags: america, american idol, reality television, ryan seacrest, TV

I’m not sure when the phrase “it is what it is” came on the scene but I feel like over the last year I hear it every day from someone. I can’t quite put my finger on why but it bugs me. It’s the equivalent of saying nothing.

I feel like I usually hear it coming from the puffy mouth of a bikini-clad slut right after she barfs in the refrigerator on “Rock of Love” or some other reality TV whore-fest.

I have a cold, I feel like shit and that’s all I feel like writing. I need a nap. Sorry, it is what it is.

Tags: dumb, english, grammar, reality television

We’ve all been to Bed Bath & Beyond and marveled at their wall of shitty mass-produced art. Most of us (I hope all of you) make the correct decision to keep walking straight out the door with our bags filled with water filters, shower radios, margarita stations, candles and various unneeded “As Seen on TV” items. Believe it or not, there are people who stop at the giant wall of crap and think, “I wonder if that painting of the word ‘dream’ would fit over our bed?”

Holy shit, look at this photo I took today. I don’t want to live in a world with people who see framed plates and don’t have the instinct to smash them with a baseball bat. The words “mass-produced” and “art” should never be near each other. OK smart ass, go ahead and lecture me about Andy Warhol or popular music. Get it out of your system (I looking at you Jeff). This is different and you know it.

Believe it or not there is something even worse than the Bed Bath & Beyond “art” gallery. When I see the crap, hipster, bullshit “art” that Urban Outfitters sells I want to pick up the nearest pair of $100 purposely-ripped jeans and hang myself. It turns my stomach. Is there anything less hip than plastering your walls with the same piece of shit silk screened monster truck that the rest of your dipshit hipster friends have?

People who are lucky enough to have visited my home may question my choice in art but if anything it’s the exact opposite of mass-produced.

It’s not easy being so right all the time but I manage.

Tags: america, art, pop culture, products

I was already having a bad day and now this?

I went to see “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and not only was I punished for this decision by having to sit through it, I now have a cold that I undoubtedly caught from one of the many mouth-breathers who made up the audience of cackling idiots. Just when I thought the day was winding down and I could drift off to sleep on the couch I accidentally turned on the Grammys. What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Do you remember the first time you saw footage of that Vietnamese solider shooting that Vietcong guy in the head? Remember watching this man die right on the street, blood pouring from his head? Take that horrible, disgusting, soul-crushing feeling and multiply it by approximately 523,038 and you will know how I felt seeing the Jonas Brothers shitting their shit all over “Superstition” while poor Stevie jammed along with them obliviously. Who is responsible? Who could do this to Stevie? Did they tell him it was Radiohead or The White Stripes? Taking advantage of a blind man like that makes me sick. SICK!

I mean that’s the only way Stevie Wonder would ever perform with the Jonas Brothers, right?

Tags: douchebags, grammy awards, jonas brothers, music, stevie wonder, the worst thing ever, TV

I simply refuse to believe there are more than 14 people watching all of these “dancing with some asshole” shows. There are at least 5 dancing shows on TV right now, probably more but I REFUSE to research it. How is it possible a single person wants to watch dancing? HOW (followed by violent punching of my keyboard)?

I could understand dancing shows being popular in the mid seventies when all those awesomely shitty variety shows ruled the airwaves but in the year 2009? I just don’t get it. How is it possible, when all of society is walking around like they are straight out of Compton, a show about d-list celebrities flitting around in glittery jumpsuits is a #1 show?

Our country acts so fucking macho all the time but these shows have such high ratings that there has to be more than a handful of good old boys secretly watching with a beer in hand and a jar of nacho cheese resting on their fat bellies. Does this cheese fly across the trailer when they stand up in a rage because Rocco DiSpirito gets voted off when Susan Lucci clearly deserves to be sent packing? Does a single tear fall to his Dale Earnhardt sleeveless t-shirt when Ian Ziering nails a flawless Viennese Waltz?

I relate to nothing.

Tags: celebrities, celebrity, dancing, reality television, TV

Seriously, look how dark this stupid green highlighter is! What kind of a cocky son of a bitch do you have to be to think you are more important than the words you are meant to highlight? What the fuck highlighter, who do you think you are?

Tags: douchebags, products, the worst thing ever

Yeah that’s right, I have a terrible hangover so this post is going to suck balls. When I get a hangover it renders me useless for the entire next day. I literally spent the day sick on the couch (not including when I was sleeping on the bathroom floor).

Rather than try to be creative I will simply tell you about the last time I got absolutely blind drunk. I attended a wedding for a couple I did not know well so I sought companionship from several gin and tonics at the open bar. The wedding reception was followed with a stop or two at some local bars. Sometime around 4am I woke up and punched myself in the face. I guess I’m an angry drunk. During this self-induced face punch my thumb went up my nose causing blood to pour all over the place. Still drunk I stumbled to the bathroom to attend to my nose and to possibly barf. I should mention by this point I was literally soaked from cold sweats. So there I was with my face resting on the toilet seat which was now covered in sweat and blood. The room was spinning and I desperately wanted to throw up but just could not make it happen. For some reason I decided I needed to poop so I stood up on my shaky legs. The next thing I remember was a loud crash that sounded exactly like my head hitting the floor. Turns out it was my head hitting the floor. The crash woke me up so I stood again, pulled down my sweaty, bloody underwear and sat on the toilet. In the meantime my wife woke to a blood soaked bed and a missing husband. She walked to the bathroom and was trying to open the door but I held it closed. What happened next still confuses me. I sat there on the toilet whimpering and speaking pure gibberish. I mean I was sitting there really balling bawling like a crazy person.  I never pooped or barfed.

I did not drink for a long time after that.

Tags: beer, drunk, hangovers, poop

Today while waiting in line at a local eatery I felt a creepy presence behind me and I knew, without even turning around, my personal space had been entered. He entered my little personal universe and ruined it! By the way, I love the word eatery, I like that it turns a verb into a noun. I’m going to start referring to all places like that from now on – i.e. the bathroom will now be known as “the poopery.”

Sorry. The worst part about this space invader is that at the time I was checking my email on my phone and this turd was literally only a foot behind me and possibly looking over my shoulder. I stepped forward but he followed as if we were attached by an invisible creepy rope. I closed my email, opened up the little iPhone notepad and wrote “people who violate my personal space.” I hope he read it.

Tags: creepy, douchebags, Jerks, personal space