Nov 24 2008

People who put a ton of stuffed animals and other crap in their car’s rear dash!

Published by under Why?!?

I don’t really have much to say about this because it just bugs me but for no valid reason. I was trying to come up with some interesting angle or some funny analysis of these people but I simply am not that talented. It might also be that I just ate a shit load of Long John Silvers. WHY did I do that? I’m praying for death right now. I think I might be going blind.

5 comments so far

Nov 21 2008

Clamshell Packaging!

Published by under Why?!?

I purchased a new “personal groomer” last week to prevent my “personal” areas from looking like a 70’s porno. Like a lot of items these days, it was sealed up nice and tight in a clear plastic clamshell package. I took one look at this packaging and realized it was going to be a while before I started trimming the yard.

By the way this thing was sealed shut you’d think it was a time capsule containing all the secrets of mankind meant to be shot into space. Without exaggeration, I would estimate that it took me about 13 hours to get it open.

Can you believe how hard my life is?

12 comments so far

Nov 20 2008

People who see Jesus and the Virgin Mary in their food!

There’s a difference between seeing Jesus in a potato chip and believing it really is Jesus in your potato chip. I had a marble when I was a kid that had a blob in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary but even as a kid I realized it was a random, meaningless blob. Although, wouldn’t it be amazing if it really was a sign from God and I totally ignored it? Shit, where is that marble?!?

There’s a phenomenon called pareidolia in which a person tries to find recognizable or significant subject matter in random objects. Like when a tree looks like an old man or a cloud looks like a kitten. It’s just human nature to attempt to find familiar objects, especially faces, in random shapes. But believing that face in your Hot Pocket was sent to you by our lord and savior is an entirely different kind of crazy. Why the hell would Jesus choose to make his big comeback in the form of a nacho chip rather than exploding through the clouds on a flaming unicorn?

Here in Chicago we have a famous water stain under an expressway that for several years still attracts hundreds (thousands?) of people who bring flowers, light candles and stare at a crack in the wall. I honestly think it’s incredibly sad to see people praying to a water stain but I’m guessing they find it sad that I don’t.

19 comments so far

Nov 19 2008

Billy Corgan!

WOW, did I ever just witness something! I didn’t even realize the Smashing Pumpkins were still a band when I was offered a free ticket (a very good ticket) tonight. I figured it would at least be decent. It’s their 20th anniversary and I live in Chicago, their friggin’  hometown.

Instead, myself and a thousand other EXTREMELY patient fans were treated to the most bloated, self-indulgent, egomaniacal, boring, never-ending guitar solo, jamming, noodle fest. This was big baby Billy Corgan’s official “fuck you” to the people who supported him for 20 years. He was downright rude and unbelievably arrogant throughout the entire concert. We had to suffer through 30-minute songs and 15-minute guitar solos. The audience was given thumbs down by Billy when he asked us to sing “Today” and apparently it wasn’t to his liking. Billy proclaimed himself to be the “king of rock and roll” and “the god of metal” and then challenged us to “die for rock and roll.” Fuck off. We had to watch him play the fucking kettle drums for 15 minutes before they finally ended the show with a chorus of Kazoos. Ha ha, fuck you audience! They refused to play any recognizable songs. When the audience became restless, Billy said “Last time I checked we were an alternative band.” Check again Billy, you are playing an expensive show in one of the swankiest theaters in the country and the audience is made up of 40 year olds who arrived from the suburbs in minivans.

I’m not a super fan so I actually thought it was entertaining to watch Billy act like a big baby all night but I genuinly felt bad for the people who paid a lot of money to watch a rich kid have a temper tantrum. It was the most ridiculous concert I have ever seen.

23 comments so far

Nov 18 2008

Tapas!

Published by under Jerks

Here’s the thing about tapas, I love to EAT tapas and that’s where the problem begins. Any time I go to a tapas restaurant I end up eating approximately one cube of potato, three pieces of bread and an olive. But wait, when I looked at the table it was covered in food. There were miniature plates everywhere!

I suppose it’s really my fault for not taking more food from each tiny plate as they whiz by. I just feel guilty taking too much when 10 people are trying to share food from plates that belong in a doll house. Half the time I don’t even get to taste the food I ordered. I just sit there and watch like a hungry dog as my dish travels around the table. As it passes through the filthy hands of my soon to be ex-friends I watch as the cubes of cheese I ordered begin to disappear. I quickly do the math and realize no cheese will be entering my mouth hole this evening. I fantasize about fabulously violent ways to kill each and every one of my cheese-filled “friends.” One will get an oily skewer to the neck while another I will drown in sangria. You will all pay the price for eating my cheese you pieces of shit!

6 comments so far

Nov 17 2008

People who know how to unicycle!

This is a case where I almost feel a little guilty and start to wonder why so many things bug me. But who cares, I just hate people who took the time to learn how to unicycle. It’s such a “look at me, pay attention to me” kind of thing to do (unlike blogging). It’s bad enough when someone rides a normal unicycle but then there are those turds who ride the super tall unicycles. They are the worst people in the world. The only thing that could make the unicycle scene worse would be if they held their own critical mass and rode around in traffic juggling and looking smug.

10 comments so far

Nov 14 2008

The Real Housewives of who gives a fuck!

Who watches this shit? Seriously, I want names!

Who wants to waste their time watching a bunch of nouveau riche diva assholes walking around like their shit don’t stink when OBVIOUSLY their shit do stink. Oh man, does it ever stink! There seems to be an endless supply of these jerks and and even more endlesser supply of people who want to watch them do nothing all day long. The list is long with crap like The Hills, Kimora Lee Simons, The Kardashians, The Housewives, My Super Sweet 16, etc. What is the fascination with these useless pieces of shit?

If I had a teenage child, especially a girl, I don’t think I could own a TV. If my kid ever displayed any of the obnoxious traits these reality TV “stars” so proudly flaunt they would be on their way to military school the next morning.

I occasionally like bad TV and I understand the soap opera appeal of shows like The Real Housewives but it’s just getting out of hand. There is something so painfully pathetic about a country on the brink of financial ruin that still focuses so much attention on these creepy jerks.

I need to take a shower.

9 comments so far

Nov 13 2008

Warts!

Published by under Why?!?

Yes, I had a wart. Shut up. It was on the side of my pinky finger and I probably got it at the gym when I was blasting my triceps and looking awesome.

Here’s the thing about warts, it took me one full year to get rid of it. A FULL YEAR! I tried everything. I started with a Compound W gel that really just turned the wart white but did nothing. Then I was forced to buy this wart freezing stuff from a super attractive young female pharmacist. That was fun. It froze the wart and hurt like hell but did nothing. I would pick at it with a pair of tweezers and there were a few times I thought it was gone only to watch it slowly grow back.

After about 10 months of trying to eat it away with gels or freeze it off with cold air and after wearing a fucking band-aid on my finger every day for almost a year, I decided to try something crazy that I heard about. Duct tape. Apparently it is a miracle cure for warts but it just seemed too crazy to try. I am happy to say as of last week I am wart free and it was the God damn duct tape that did it!

You will find a lot of duct tape wart removal tips online but here is what worked for me. First of all, there is no magic substance in the glue that kills the wart. Instead, keeping your wart covered in duct tape for several days seals it and keeps it moist and gooey. I would keep a square of tape on my wart under a band-aid for 3 or 4 days at a time. When you remove the tape the skin underneath is white and soft, like you are a corpse floating in a river! Soak it in hot water for a few minutes and then eat away at the wart with a sharp pair of tweezers. Make sure you yank as much of it off as you can. Then, simply repeat several more days/weeks until it looks like the wart is gone. It isn’t, trust me, so keep doing it. Keep taping and digging. The wart will look dark while your “normal” skin will look white. Keep those tweezers munching on that dark stuff until it no longer appears. Don’t forget to sterilize your tweezers each time you use them so you don’t spread the virus.

Is there anything duct tape can’t do? Well, it’s actually pretty bad at sealing ductwork ironically.

15 comments so far

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