You just made my list!

Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.

For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.

Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”

Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.

Tags: corporate america, dumb, idiots, jobs, team building

Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!

Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.

I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”

What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.

Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?

Tags: bret michaels, hair, music, poison, reality television, TV

I am not kidding when I say who the fuck are the Kardashians and why are they on my TV? Seriously, who are these whores?

I originally knew the name Kardashian because their father, Robert, was buddies with OJ Simpson during the killing spree years and went on to be one of the 5,000 lawyers who represented him during the trial. I know that the mom, Kris, is now married to Bruce “old lady face” Jenner. I know that I watched Kim Kardashian fuck a rapper online. To tell you the truth, that’s more than I need to know about this nightmare of a family.

Do we really need a reality show about every dipshit family in America? What does it say about the current state of our society that these are the kind of people we worship? Fuck me, we are dumb!

If you watch this show for any reason other than the cleavage and the giant asses please put your head in the toilet, flush it 5 times and think about what you have done. In fact, go ahead and poop in that toilet first.

Tags: bruce jenner, idiots, kim kardashian, kris kardashian, reality television, robert kardashian

I made the decision to go out, get drunk and play pool tonight and therefore will be putting the least amount of effort possible into today’s post.

John McCain really knows how to shrivel my penis with his constant lying. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of that bullshit over the last 8 years. AND, this just in… Sarah Palin is still barely qualified to manage a Wal-Mart. BREAKING NEWS… If Sarah Palin doesn’t stop fucking lying about the “bridge to nowhere” I am going to shit YOUR pants, which is not easy to do. She’s a fucking incompetent liar just like her new best friend John McCain. Also this just in… I am awesome.

Tags: barack obama, john mccain, politics, sarah palin

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Let me quickly explain what “Baby’s First Headgear” is before you think I’m ragging on kids who actually NEED helmets for various legitimate reasons. This ridiculous piece of shit is for normal, healthy babies who are simply learning to walk. HUH?

My friend who brought this crime against baby humanity to my attention told me she has even seen kids wearing fucking knee pads while learning to walk. WHAT? Have we all gone insane? No wonder there are people in this country who think Sarah Palin is “spunky and fun.”

Listen, I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall but come on, helmets for healthy babies? Kids get hurt. Kids eat dirt. Kids touch things that are hot. Guess what, all that stuff is good for them. You know how I learned to NOT touch the stove? By touching the stove, once.

When I grew up in the 70s daily life was like running through a maze of knives and fire. My grade school’s playground equipment was tall, metal and sat on top of nice hard cement. Like most kids in my school I broke a bone when I tumbled to the concrete at recess. I spent most of my childhood falling from trees, crashing my bike, getting fishing hooks stuck in my face and most summer days I could be found with at least one of my body parts on fire. AHHHH, the good old days. I’m not kidding, it was fucking awesome. I also learned how to deal with stuff because my parents never made a big deal out of anything.

I’m sorry but helmets for healthy babies are ri-fucking-diculous. Life is dangerous and to be alive means to occasionally get hurt, babies included.

I need to punch something. Not a baby.

*Update: This ought to make all you helmet parents pass out…

Tags: baby's first headgear, children, helmet, kids

Let me get this out of the way first… There have been a few, a precious few, Digital Shorts on Saturday Night Live that I liked. However, the running theme in most of the Digital Shorts I actually enjoy is a lack of Andy Samberg’s face. Sure, “Dick in a Box” and “Lazy Sunday” were OK the first 100 times I saw them online but it’s no monkey drinking his own pee. Now THAT’S a classic!

Did you happen to see Andy’s latest masterpiece, aired on 9/13/08, “Space Olympics?” It’s textbook Samberg. The short features all of his favorite comedy tools; generically 80’s song, purposely mundane lyrics, purposely cheesy graphics, severe camera mugging and the sweet sweet odor of desperation. This constant desire to create the next “Lazy Sunday” viral video hit has to be the only reason Lorne Michaels keeps this fuzzy turd on the show.

Other than his weekly Digital Shits (zing), Andy Samberg can be seen in the background of most skits delivering hilarious lines like “Hi, how can I help you” or “Hi, can I get you something to drink” and “Hi, you have a lovely house.” Seems to me his only role on SNL is to facilitate the other performers who actually have something to do in the scene. Try this drinking game, every time Andy Samberg delivers a funny line in a skit take a drink. Sadly this will not get you drunk.

P.S. Did anyone else notice ultra-douche Guy Fieri was in the front row of last night’s show? I did, so I pressed my ass against the TV screen. I showed you Guy!

Watch this and try to convince me that it’s funny.

Tags: andy samberg, guy fieri, saturday night live, snl, viral videos

I am REALLY trying to fight the urge to post political things but HOLY FUCKING SHIT is Sarah Palin unqualified to be Vice President or, god forbid, President. PLEASE watch this interview and try to convince me otherwise.

She sounds exactly like a student trying to give an oral book report on a book she never read. “Moby Dick is a book and a very good book. It was written on paper and touches on many subjects such as a certain book like this would do. It is a story that is good and so forth and what have you. It is a story about a whale and a boat and I guy named Dick who’s journey is vast and written in book form for all to read in this book. In summation, Moby Dick is book that has themes and stories about things that are in this book and it is a very good book.

Here is my favorite scary moment:

A longer version can be found here.

If this scares you, and it should, please share it.

Tags: america, barack obama, election, john mccain, politics, sarah palin

Oh brother. I run the risk of barfing up my recently eaten macaroni and cheese while writing about these turds but I shall do my best. I know that I shouldn’t care and I have no room to talk because I have tattoos, beautiful sexy tattoos, but I do care. I care about this more than I care about my own family.

I realize people are free to do whatever they want with their bodies but come on, really? Does this look good in any way? And for the love of all things holy (or should I say holey – zing) look at the mess these jerks are left with when they remove their piercings. Awww, poor Brad has to walk around with fucking EAR VAGINAS for the rest of his life. Way to go Brad!

Unfortunately, while researching this subject I came across a piercing photo that caused me to involuntarily scratch my own eyes out. I ripped my eyeballs right out of the sockets and threw them into a nearby aquarium. Eventually I gained the courage to put my bloody eyes back into my face and continue on. This might be the most fucking ridiculous piercing of all time. I mean it took me like 5 minutes to even understand what the fuck I was looking at. Then I had to spend a few minutes contorting my mouth to see if this was even possible. Guess what, it’s possible if you are a douchebag. Click the photo if you feel like ruining the rest of your week.

I am so much better than everyone.