You just made my list!

Here we fucking go again. I keep hearing quotes about how “people want to have a beer” with John McCain’s odd choice for vice president, Sarah Palin. Here’s an idea dipshit, go have a beer with your cousin, whom you are probably also sleeping with, and let the adults decide who should be president.

I would hope that our next president is so busy fixing the mess your beer buddy George W. Bush left behind that he would not have time to go with you to TGI Fridays for a beer and a bloomin’ onion. After 8 disastrous years with everyone’s favorite frat boy in office how is it possible there are still people simple-minded enough to think like this?

Right wingers love to call Democrats “elitists.” Guess what fuckhead, the leader of the free fucking world SHOULD BE ELITE! He or she should be the best we have to offer. They should be a fucking genius who can barely throw a football from all the hours spent doing homework and going to math camp. The funniest thing about it is that George W. Bush comes from one of the richest and most powerful families in the country and that stupid motherfucker would NEVER lower himself to have a beer with you and your sweaty friends. Stop packing your bags because you ain’t getting invited to his pretend ranch for a kegger.

Fuck you and fuck your fantasies of playing beer pong with your new presidential drinking buddy. Do everyone a favor and stay home drinking beer with your friends on election day.

Tags: america, george bush, idiots, politics

Way to go God. Thanks jerk!

Don Lafontaine dead at age 68.

Tags: celebrities, celebrity, death, Don Lafontaine

First of all, I worked in a restaurant for two years and I know first hand how INCREDIBLY difficult and stressful it can be. Working in a busy restaurant sucks giant hairy ass because every time you start your shift you know the next 8 hours are guaranteed to be total chaos. EVERY DAY!

So anyway, I went to lunch at a nice-ish restaurant with two coworkers (fuck you, yes I have a job) and a couple of us ordered the tortilla soup appetizer. What we received looked more like orange chili or maybe this, but OK not a big deal. Before the first spoonful touched my lips I already smelled something suspect but I like to live on the edge so into my mouth it went. YUMMY, soapy bleach, just like mom used to make when she wanted me to slowly die! I took another small bite and it was clear something had gone horribly wrong with this soup. I asked my friend is she felt the same way and of course she did because it tasted like hobo’s armpit.

We quietly discussed the possibility of sending the soup back but didn’t want to be dicks. Ultimately we decided it needed to be sent back but unfortunately our waitress refused to check back with us. I think she saw us discussing the soup and was avoiding us. Finally she stopped by with our sandwiches and in my shyest, most polite voice I said “I’m sorry, I know you are going to think we are crazy but this soup does not taste right. I really think there is something wrong with it.”

Her reaction? She stared at us like we just said “I think this soup is evil, it’s stealing our thoughts.” All she said was a long, sarcastic “O Kaaaaaaaaaay” before removing the bowls of poison soup. Here’s the thing, even if we WERE dicks and the soup was JUST FINE she still should have said “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Let me take these from you and check with the chef.” Then she can go into the kitchen and flip us off or spit in our food but to our face at least PRETEND to give a shit.

She never said sorry once. Well, that’s not entirely true, when dropping off the check she lazily said “again, I’m sorry about the soup.” Again? Again? Too late to start working for that tip.

I realize this long boring story about my soup seems trivial but I just fucking hate people in the service industry who treat you like shit when you are being VERY polite to them. I don’t care if you hate your job, most people do, deal with it. I have worked some HORRIBLE jobs but I never took it out on the customer, it wasn’t their fault that I was too stupid to get a good job.

Be like me, I am perfect.

Tags: food, gross, Jerks, restaurants

Tags: beach, me, vacation

I am going to do my best not to climb too high atop my soapbox and ramble endlessly on this subject, but holy shit does it make me insane when “patriotic” Americans completely ignore the principles that America was founded on.

Did you hear about this guy, Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was kicked out of Yankee Stadium because he needed to take a leak during the singing of “God Bless America?” I understand that he has a “foriegn” sounding name and telling the cop “he didn’t care about God Bless America” was a bit risky, but fuck off, the whole point of America is that YOU CAN PISS DURING GOD BLESS AMERICA IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT! In fact, go ahead and take a dump and get some nachos if you want, you’re in America!

I would suggest if you claim to love America so much you should, at the very least, have a basic understanding of our most basic concept, freedom.

Tags: america, american flag, free speech, politics, sports, yankees

I watch a lot of People’s Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known.

My complaint is not specifically with people who appear on TV courtroom shows, or this lovely couple to the left (God help us), it’s really about anyone who says “had went.” For example “I had went to 7-11 to buy my old lady a panty rose when I ran into my parole officer.” Here’s the way this works, just say “I WENT to 7-11…” or if you really want to impress people with extra words you can say “I had GONE…” OK? Simple enough right?

Here’s another odd grammatical phenomenon that seems to be spreading. More and more I keep hearing people using the word “whenever” in place of “when.” What the fuck? Stop it! Someone will say “Whenever I went to buy some crystal meth I realized I left my money in my other overalls.” NO NO NO! It should simply be “WHEN I went to buy some crystal meth…”

I just realized there must be people who say “WHENEVER I HAD WENT to buy some crystal meth…” I hate these people.

Tags: dumb, grammar, idiots

I literally don’t know what to say about these people. I have been trying to write a post about them for weeks but give up each time because I am paralyzed by these photos. I am not kidding, my brain shuts off as utter confusion engulfs my soul. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I actually start to feel physically ill. I swear to God I am not lying, I can only look at these shit faces for a few seconds before I have to choke down that barfy feeling. If you are a woman drunk enough to go home with one of these douchebags do you wake up the next morning looking like you just dug out of prison?

WHAT IS HAPPENING, I RELATE TO NOTHING! There is no God.

If you can’t get enough of these pumpkin pies there are plenty to be found here hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Tags: douchebags, idiots, orange people, tanarexic, tanning

I haven’t even finished typing this sentence and already my blood is boiling from having to look at this ass clown’s shitty building. I mean look at this crooked hunk of crap he designed for The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is he blind but nobody wants to hurt his feelings? Maybe he’s like that kid from The Twilight Zone who can turn you into a donkey or a house plant with his mind if you make him mad or disagree with him. Or maybe he’s like a drunk frat boy who wakes up after a weekend of beer-bonging and realizes “Shit dude, I totally have a building design due today!”

The best part about this building? M.I.T. had to sue Frank Gehry because this tangled mess leaks and generally sucks ass. It literally says “sucks ass” in the lawsuit!

Don’t try and tell me he’s breaking new ground and pushing the envelope because you are wrong. Frank Gehry is concerned with one thing, Frank Gehry’s checkbook. He knows he can literally take a dump on a table and some stupid mayor who is afraid of looking uncool will agree to spend $500 million to build a turd-shaped building. Have you ever seen the back of the Jay Pritzker Pavilion and Bandshell in Chicago? If you think the front is ugly, which it is, take a look at the back sometime and you will see a perfect illustration of how fucking lazy this jerk is.

Fuck Frank Gehry! I’m right and I know everything.

Gallery of Frank Gehry’s crimes against humanity

Tags: architecture, frank gehry