Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.
Mega-turd John Edward literally makes my skin crawl. The sound of his voice and the sight of his face makes me want to take a Silkwood shower until my skin is raw and bleeding.
Why do I hate this fucker so much? He makes money off people when they are at their weakest. People who may be misguided in their desire to speak to their dead uncle Charlie but innocent nonetheless. You might even think I would want to add these gullible rubes to my list but I actually don’t think they are rubes at all. For the most part, they are simply people who have a gaping hole left by a deceased loved one and John Edward can’t wait to start fucking that hole.
If you believe this grease ball can actually talk to the dead I must request that you slap yourself in the face. It is well documented that this jerk and all other jerks like him use simple techniques like planting people in the audience to listen for details or using microphones before the show to do the same. They also use the cheap sideshow trick of cold reading where they simply wait for the audience member to give up information voluntarily and build on those details.
If you STILL believe in this bullshit answer this for me, if these people can actually communicate with the dead why do they always start by saying “I’m getting an R or maybe a B, it could be an F, an F or an R, is there anyone with a connection to the letter R or B or G or F or N or Q or R, maybe it’s a P?” Some poor person will finally say “My aunt’s name starts with a P.” This is when the bullshit becomes painfully transparent because suddenly this “ghost” who seconds earlier could barely communicate the first letter of his or her name asks the “psychic” to tell the relative how much they love them and all about the cool stuff they have been doing in heaven. John Edward asks us to honestly believe a spirit ALWAYS starts a conversation with him like this “ooooooohhh… Jooooohn… R… John… R… R… I said R John… not P… R… R you fucking idiot… I’m saying R you asshole… it’s only one letter you dick… my name starts with R… I will tell you the rest later but for now let’s just start with R.”
Fuck you John Edward and all other charlatan douchebags who prey on people at such a fragile time. You disgust me. Oh yeah, and fuck that dog psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick too!
Hey, who needs more attention than the jerks who ride around on tall bikes? Idiots who hang themselves from hooks!
Poor Brad and Kim didn’t get enough attention in high school. Oh, but do they have a way to get even with all of you, they are going to stick giant hooks through their white trash tattoos and hang around like giant ball sacks. I know “to each his own” but fuck off already with this nonsense.
“Brad, this is your father. Get down from those God damn hooks and mow the lawn or we aren’t going to the water park tomorrow!”
I keep hearing this week that John McCain has been getting better poll numbers and it is attributed to his attack ads. That’s great, way to go America! If laziness could be turned into oil we would be set for life.
“Barack Obama hates the troops, the TV box told me so. My research is done, let’s go to Wal-Mart!”
You know what, not a single political commercial should ever be watched, it is utterly pointless. What are you going to learn about a candidate in 30 or 60 seconds? You are going to learn that one guy has a dog and hangs out with hardworking Americans and the other guy looks evil in photos and uses the flag as toilet paper. Why are we so inclined to be stupid and lazy when it comes to important decisions? People put more mental energy into deciding where to eat lunch every day.
And what’s the fucking deal with John McCain and his fear mongering and spewing of misinformation. I guess I thought he was above that brand of gutter politics. I’m sorry but there is nothing LESS American than misleading the American people for political gain. Aren’t we all sick of being chin-deep in bullshit by now?
As Americans we all lose when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by political propaganda machines, right or left. We can’t afford to fuck this election up and if you are basing your decision for President on 30 second commercials I kindly ask you to punch yourself in your balls and/or vagina.
See the look on these kid’s faces? If you are a parent it should be your goal to prevent that look from ever appearing on your child’s face rather than giggling like a dumb ass waiting for it to happen.
I’m sure you have seen clips like these on youtube where some jerk, usually a parent, almost pisses their pants with excitement while waiting for some internet gag to scare the living shit out of some moon-faced kid who just wants to play a stupid maze game. What sadistic weirdness exists in the “brain” of a parent who gets pleasure from terrifying their child? I’m not talking about a simple BOO, these kids usually end up in tears. I want to see the follow up clips in a few years where the teen versions of these kids beat the shit out of their parents screaming “who’s in the maze now motherfucker?”
Mark this date dad, Feb 8th, 2006, it’s date your son started to fantasize about killing you in your sleep.
This guy can’t contain his excitement. You can see the exact moment this kid stopped loving his dad, right around the 00:17 mark.
Hey mom, how about spending a little more time cleaning the house and a little less time turning your kids into serial killers.
Corey really is a lucky kid, isn’t he? I realize this kid is old enough to laugh it off but I can’t believe how long his stupid mom waited for the scare. It looks like she was filming this kid for an hour before she got her chance to cackle her denim mom shorts off.
Where do I start with these turds? There is just nothing appealing about this family or the shitty bikes they “build.” Luckily for them being boring and talentless equals a TV career in this country!
Don’t embarrass yourself by saying “Fuck you, they make rolling works of art, you’re just jealous.” If this is the “thought” in your head right now please go back to listening to your cassette copy of your favorite Nickelback album.
Here’s a synopsis of every tedious episode…
Some company gets the highly original idea to hire these idiots to make a “theme bike.” Paul Teutul Jr. and Sr. tour the factory of said company. Their tiny minds begin to spin as they become inspired by whatever the fuck it is this company does. The wide-eyed CEO tells the Teutuls how excited he is blah blah blah. Paul Jr. goes back to the shop with a box full of crap from their new client and sits around with one of many mulletheaded OCC workers coming up with a design with all the seriousness of doctors discussing a cure for cancer. Of course what they are actually doing is figuring our how to simply weld a bunch of the company’s crap to a stock frame. If the company makes tools, Paul Jr. welds tools to the bike. If the company makes golf clubs Paul Jr. welds putters to the bike. A true artist indeed.
Throw in a few door-smashing tantrums from Paul Sr., some footage of younger brother Mikey getting his head stuck in a mailbox, a scene of Paul Jr. trying to figure out a way to hide some huge mistake, a couple fights between the Jr. and Sr. over the “visual flow” of the bike and top it all off with the last minute delivery of the finished piece of shit motorcycle that will spend its life in some stupid lobby and you have yourself a complete episode of American Chopper. Now hit yourself on the head with a hammer for liking this shit.
What’s that, you want more! How about the American Chopper video game! If you own this video game I am literally begging you to never breed.
You know what pisses me off more than their ugly bikes? It’s the fact that once again the world proves itself to be filled with uninspired lemmings who flock to whatever the flavor of the month is. We just can’t help but celebrate mediocrity can we? And it doesn’t get any more mediocre than American Chopper.
I was all set to write about a different crime against nature, American Chopper, but that will have to wait until tomorrow thanks to this guy’s beautiful tits! I was browsing YouTube for some shitty American Chopper footage (turns out only shitty clips exist of those idiots) when I happened upon a thumbnail of what looks like a woman ruining her nipples with a stupid piercing. I had to watch for two reasons 1) it’s a tit and 2) I was curious if they could actually show tits on YouTube. Was this some sort of loophole because it was instructional?
The clip starts with some jerk-ass pacing around and looking greasy. Who is this guy? Maybe he’s the boyfriend or pimp of the girl whose nipple is soon to be pierced. Wait, what? MY EYES! Why is HIS tit out? Why is he twisting and tweaking HIS OWN nipple? What the fuck is happening and where is the god damn girl?
I have to say though, from the right angle this dirt bag has a great rack!
While I’m on the subject, can everyone please stop piercing their nipples? Ladies, why would you want to ruin the best part of the breast? Guys, it’s just creepy and gross and creepy and disgusting and creepy and gross and wrong and creepy and douchey.
I needed to get that off my chest. Tomorrow I will discuss the Teutuls and their man tits.
I know, I’m an an asshole. Why should I care if people find happiness from stupid shit like scrapbooking? I don’t have an answer for you but I thank you for asking. I’m just that way, OK? I’m a dick and I fucking hate all things scrapbooking so deal with it!
Listen up scrapbookers, let’s leave creative endeavors to creative people. Put your hot glue gun and glitter away and go back to watching Wheel of Fortune or the Home Shopping Network. BUT, if you do watch the Home Shopping Network, don’t even think about ordering more scrapbooking crap.
I KNOW, I shouldn’t care that women gather for scrapbooking parties and share squiggly cut paper ribbons and little wooden pumpkins with each other while getting totally tipsy on white wine and mimosas. Should I care that at the average scrapbooking party the word “cute” is used approximately a billion times? Who gives a shit if they sit around and glue photos of their fat families dressed in matching golf shirts to paper covered in teddy bears?
Oh, but I do care. I care so much. OH MY GOD I CARE SO MUCH I CAN BARELY SLEEP AT NIGHT!
When I sit my ass on the couch after a hard day of “work” there is nothing I want to see more than other people working. I like to sit back with a beer and watch people hand out parking tickets or drive trucks on ice all fucking night long!
OK, I sort of like Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” and I understand why it’s a popular show. Who doesn’t love a boat full of chain-smoking, manly men doing the same thing every episode for 5 years? BUT, do we really need every profession on the planet documented?
Here’s a list of the shows I am aware of that follow Joe worker guy around as he gets his hands dirty; Deadliest Catch, Lobstermen, Ice Road Truckers, The Verminators, Ax Men, Wrecked and my favorite waste of video tape – Parking Wars.
I guess it’s kind of cool that there is a highway made out of ice but in the time it took me to type this sentence I have already lost interest. I mean, people walking around issuing PARKING TICKETS is (was) an actual show on real TV! People went to work on this show every day and some poor guy had to edit footage of meter maids walking around Philadelphia talking about PARKING!
OH MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE!
Let’s not forget that a majority of these shows are broadcast on channels with grandiose names like “Arts and Entertainment” and “The Discovery Channel.”
Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.
