I am not a fan of “political correctness” but come on, you would have to be a fucking IDIOT to pose for this photo without understanding why it’s offensive and racist. Don’t most people outgrow making “slanty eyes” around the 4th grade?
The part of this story that really confuses me is that this photo, and another identical photo of the women’s team, was used in an advertisement for one of the team’s sponsors. How dumb are the Spanish and how bad are their ads? I’m starting to think I could be the president of an advertising agency in Spain. I guess I always assumed they were cultured people who spent their days in white linen suits sipping sangria on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea.
Think of how many people must have been involved with this ad and not a single person said “Esto es estúpido. Esto es una idea muy mala.”
Too bad Spain is currently making a bid for the 2016 Olympics. How’s that working out for you Spain?
You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.
Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.
In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!
Please explain to me how it is possible for Criss Angel to have fans. PLEASE, I need to know. I can not sleep soundly knowing there are people who like this magical turd. I find it difficult to even have the will to live in a world that includes one Criss Angel fan. What is WRONG with you people?!? Even Carrot top is like “look at this fucking tool.”
I just had to take a shower because I accidentally looked at that photo for too long.
Let’s not even bother discussing this jerks Trent-Reznor-meets-Creed-meets-a-homeless-guy’s-butthole fashion sense. Can we all agree he looks like an asshole and move on to the important stuff? Good, thanks.
My main problem with Criss Angel is really more of a criticism of his fans and their willingness to be stupid. Magic only works if you are unable to figure out how a trick is done. However, to believe in the “magic” of Criss Angel you need to convince yourself the ability to edit video has not yet been invented.
I made the mistake of eating too much leftover pizza the other day and was rendered motionless on the couch unable to change the channel. The end result was me watching Criss Angel’s Spyglass Hotel building implosion “escape.” Are you fucking kidding me? Here’s the gist of the escape. Criss Angel is handcuffed by a fake cop to the balcony of a hotel that is about to be blown up. Angel has to escape the handcuffs and get to the roof where a helicopter awaits. To complicate matters all of the doors between the balcony and the roof have been padlocked by the pretend cop. Cameras have been placed throughout the hotel to show us his progress. He gets to the last door to the roof and blah blah blah he can’t get the lock open. As the building implodes the cameras just so happen to cut to static. Oh my god, no way, did I just witness Criss Angel’s death? Will the implosion company ever find work again after killing Criss Angel? Wait a minute, what’s this… thank God, Criss emerges on cue out of the rubble with all the acting skills of a 6th grader.
How did he do it? Like everything else he does, it was a combination of pre-taped video and extreme doucheness. I’m not going to go into a long explanation but for some reason Fox news did (see below).
FINALLY, we have a texting world champion and his name is Nathan Schwartz. Did you go to a kick ass texting world championship party like me? I went to my friend Joey’s house and it was fucking packed ass to elbow. IT-WAS-OFF-THE-HOOK! Oh, and what was your favorite texting world championship commercial this year?
FUCK OFF! What is happening to the world I live in? I relate to my fellow humans less and less every day.
This is you to me: “Hey jerk, this was just a corporate publicity event for blah blah blah.”
Me to you: “Inhale my FART!” I know that this was just a way for some company to create a viral video (and here I am like an asshole helping them) but it does not make me hate everyone involved any less. Maybe I’m just jealous that it takes me about 45 minutes to type “sounds good, see you there” on my cell phone. I should try “sdz gd c u thr” next time.
I am officially calling for an end to any speech, film or book that starts with a dictionary definition. If I am ever sitting in the audience for your PowerPoint presentation on “Energizing Your Sales Team in ’09” and I see that your first slide starts with the Webster’s definition of “synergy” be warned that I am going to walk to the podium and pee on you. I am going to piss warm pee all over your Dockers. I’m assuming Webster’s would define that as “awesome!”
I know I have already given Guy Fieri a permanent home on my list but last night he said something that shook my very soul. It’s painfully obvious from this douche wad’s wardrobe that he has a very hard time letting go of 1996 but until last night’s episode of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” I had no idea just how sick this guy was. I am going to give you an exact quote from Guy Fieri but I want you to know that if you choose to read on, your life will never be the same. What you will read is so disturbing you will look back at your life in 2 parts, before the Guy Fieri quote and after. Please call your family and tell them you love them before you read the next line.
“This onion is money.”
Was it? Was it “so money it didn’t even know how money it was” Guy?
I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!
OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.
If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.
I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.
I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?
Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!
Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”
