Nov 23 2010
Prepare to be disappointed by me this week because I’m not going to have much free time to write. Perhaps that is the opposite of disappointing to you. Either way, it’s the holidays, I’m working my dick off, I’m driving all over the Midwest seeing family and I’m not finding a lot of time to express my correct opinions about everything. I’m going to do my best to be back tomorrow.
Suck it.
Nov 22 2010
You see this shit?
This is an actual photo of the asshole sky that hung over my head all day today in Chicago. What’s the big deal, every place on Earth has gray (is it gray or grey) days, cheer up little fella. Right? Fuck you, you weather-know-it-all-jerk because this is the sky I have seen for the last 2 weeks and will continue to see for the next 5 months. If it were legal I would pay someone to keep me in a controlled coma for the next 5 months.
If the dark skies don’t convince you to drop a toaster in the bath the unholy wind blasting through your soul like dentist drill will. I am not exaggerating when I say that the winter wind in Chicago has made me cry… as an adult.
But then big beautiful snowflakes the size of cotton balls gently wiggle their way down from the inky night sky and every tree branch looks like it has been covered in whipped cream and mayonnaise by Paula Dean. The snow absorbs all the usual city noise and it sounds like you are hiding under a blanket. Charming. WRONG because the next day you wake up to your street littered with folding chairs and miscellaneous garbage placed by your fucking, dipshit, asshole, white trash, cocksucker, fuckwad, idiotic, selfish neighbors who believe they can save “their” parking spot for THE ENTIRE WINTER. This might honestly be the thing I despise most in life.
Fuck you winter.
Nov 21 2010
It’s amazing that an actor trying to be cartoonishly annoying can’t even come close to being as annoying as the real Guy Fieri. Very funny though. Thanks to Ken for tipping me off to this nice piece of Guy Fieri bashing. Sadly, Guy Fieri is too fucking dumb to realize this is a joke on him. He will see this and think “Am I really THAT money?”
Nov 19 2010
I don’t care what you REALLY look like because I’m masturbating to the stock photo of “you” on your company’s website the entire time you are giving me the run-around on the phone. Consider it your punishment, or consider it my gift to you. Either way, it’s happening. Take THAT Comcast!
Nov 18 2010
Don’t even get me started on Facebook. Too late.
I’ve got plenty of things to say about everyone’s personal reality show, Facebook, but after seeing these two status updates today, and the odd thumbs up-ing that followed, I decided it was time to share my important opinion on the misuse of the “Like” button.
Perhaps we should blame Facebook for not having a button for the three main human emotions… “like,” “dislike” and “this is giving me a boner.” However, I would suggest we should blame ourselves (not me) for not understanding the proper usage of the thumb positioned in an upward direction.
My advice would be to pretend that person is standing right in front of you telling you their “status” face to face. Let’s try it out…
“I just found out I have cancer.”
“I LIKE IT!”
“My dog was just hit by a car.”
“I LIKE IT!”
“I fear I will never fulfill my dream to be a professional juggler.”
“I LIKE IT!”
Only one of those responses was appropriate, can you pick which one?
By the way, it’s very tacky to make your murder party BYOB. If I’m paying $10 at the door I expect a keg at the very least. Other than that I’m sure it’s going to be a blast!
Nov 17 2010
When I hear someone say “That’s what I’m talking about” I immediately trace my steps and try to figure out how I ended up in this frat house and where the hell did my pants go?!?
I hate this phrase. It literally makes me cringe. Actual physical cringing takes place. It’s never used to describe something genuinely awesome, like a cure for cancer or a box full of kittens. Instead, it’s used to describe important events like witnessing your buddy vomit into his own hands. Everyone knows the correct response to that situation should be a gentle nodding of the head and a quiet “beautiful” whispered to yourself.
I would also like to point this bullshit out, thanks to a comment from JulieJulieJulie on the previous Rachael Ray post. The world is ending.
Nov 16 2010
I don’t know about you, but when I am alone in my room fantasizing about babes I always imagine faceless star-shaped women with sharp points where their hands and feet should be. I’m getting hot just thinking about it now! I often have dirty thoughts about an orgy of teal and lavender pointy women all sharing my bed with me. I would run my fingers through their 3 strands of hair and caress every gentle curve of their smooth bodies. It would be a tangled pile of sex, making it impossible to tell where one body stopped and another started. Also making it impossible would be the total lack of features or genitalia on any of my boomerang-shaped lovers.
Nov 12 2010
Have you ever been sitting around your trailer at 3am and thought, “Well, I have five pieces of bacon and four paper towels, how can I turn this into something?”
Are you wealthy enough to own a microwave*? Then guess what Jethro? YOU-ARE-IN-LUCK! Genius and all around loud person, Rachael Ray, has developed a “recipe” that even your pathetically stupid ass can manage. The creativity doesn’t stop with the recipe, Rachael has even given her creation a catchy name… “Late Night Bacon!”
At first I was confused because when I go trolling for street-walking prostitutes I refer to them as Late Night Bacon, and although both activities require at least four paper towels, I eventually figured out Rach was talking about something completely different.
So sit back and enjoy Rachael Ray’s Late Night Bacon recipe. I recommend reading the comments (including one from me buried in there somewhere).
*It’s like a TV that you stick your food and wet socks into.
