I am in such a rage spiral right now I can’t even think of a way to make this funny. After watching these two clips of the Tyra Banks audience literally shitting their XXL panties and giving themselves spontaneous miscarriages over the fact that Tyra is showing them her “real” hair, I am now going to pray to God to take me while I sleep tonight. Please God, kill me. No, don’t just kill me, make me explode or burst into flames! In your name I pray.
There is no way I am the same species as these cackling twats. These fuckers make the Oprah audience look like Buddhist monks! How did this happen? How did we become so stupid? Were people always this vapid and I’m just noticing now because of the internet?
If you are reading this post from your iPhone while sitting in the waiting room at one of the thousands of hair salons hilariously named “Shear” something, I can promise you 3 things… 1) you are about to get a shitty haircut 2) you are sitting within 5 feet of a Nagel-style window decal and 3) you don’t really own an iPhone, that’s your VCR remote.
I’m sure the first person to come up with this hilarious pun probably sat straight up in the middle of the night and screamed, “I’ve got it! Shear Talent! Ed. Ed. Ed. ED, WAKE UP! I finally have a name for my salon!” I’m also sure Ed rolled back over and prayed to the Lord to kill him in his sleep. I will give this first person a pass, but this madness (shear madness?) needs to stop. The Government needs to forget all this health care nonsense and immediately put an end to any new salon wanting to be named “Shear” something. Priorities!
I really could have just titled this post “The hats worn by Pearl Jam’s Jeff Ament” and been done with it, but I didn’t want to cheat you out of my hilarious musings.
What is it with old white guys in shitty bands and their love affair with backwards Kangol, berets and other random dumb hats? Obviously a high percentage of these turds (especially Jeff Ament) wear these silly things in a sad attempt to fool the audience* into thinking a wild mane of thick, luxurious hair is waiting to spring forth from its hat cage. Unfortunately we all know the truth.
I can almost forgive the bald guys, but what’s really upsetting are the guys who actually think they look “cool” and youthful because they are rocking a beret. I think in their minds it’s sort of like the cliche of the bookish secretary who needs only to let down her hair and remove her glasses to suddenly look like a porn star. These guys come home after a long casual Friday, pop on the T-shirt/blazer combo, carefully place the Kangol hat at just the right angle that says “whatever man, I’m just hangin'” and, ta-da, the transformation from working stiff to rock star is complete!
I really take comfort in being better than everyone.
*audience = 5 people from their office who had to attend because they have run out of excuses.
I saw A LOT of short, sassy mom hair last week on vacation starting with this gem of a hairdo at the airport. This woman wants the world to know that the kids are in college and she’s ready to put on a comfortable pair of Crocs and get tipsy on 1 and a half margaritas. Oh what the hay, she might even order it with salt on the rim. I’m guessing someone is going to get his bald head rubbed too.
The thing that makes sassy mom hair so special is the fact that, unlike the mullet, it’s party up front and an even bigger party in the back. The whole fucking head is in party mode!
Wait, do I like sassy hair or hate it? I can’t tell anymore.
It is not going to be easy getting through this without vomiting.
I hate hippies. Everyone hates hippies. The only thing worse than a hippie is a hippie with dreadlocks. Ew, a little barf just came up. By definition dreads are disgusting. They are born from neglect and filth (on white people). HOWEVER, somehow it works on real Rasta dudes. BLACK Rasta dudes! It’s an entirely different story when Brad from Cinnabon lets his disgusting hair brush against your cinnamon roll. Sure, Brad loves Sublime and owns Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits on CD and MP3 but he’s hardly “jammin.” Now get me another cinnamon roll you smelly hippie and this time keep that shitty hair of yours out of my delicious icing! You know what Brad, forget it, I don’t even want a cinnamon roll anymore, in fact I may never eat again.
Ironically, these white dirt bags attempt to give off this “hey man whatever” vibe when in reality they are thinking, “hey man look at me, I’m cool, I’m different, do you think I’m cool, I’m in your face, me me me love me.”
If my kid ever tried to pull this shit I would ship him off to Jamaica to live in a tenement yard in Trenchtown.
I am fighting back the barf in my throat after searching for these photos. This is going to be a short post because 1) what can really be said about these douchebag turds that you can’t figure out just by looking at their lame asses and 2) the barf.
(old man rant warning)
These kids today think they invented all this shit but we were the first ones to walk around looking like complete assholes in the 80’s. Let it die! It was a playful mistake in 1984 but now it can only be described as lame.
I’m going to go listen to the Cure and punch myself in the face.
Barf! I can’t fucking stand the sight of Irish Dancing. It literally gives me the creeps.
It’s hard for me to put my finger on exactly why I have such a violent reaction to this supposedly joyful event but here are a few things that come to mind.
1) It looks like a bunch of kids with leg braces trying to dance while simultaneously crapping their pants.
2) It’s often loud and stompy and startles me.
3) They don’t move their arms and it makes me uncomfortable.
4) The WIGS! Those stupid creepy wigs they wear. WHY?
Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!
Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.
I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”
What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.
Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?
