You just made my list!

OK, I tried to find a photo or youtube clip illustrating exactly what I’m talking about but after 30 minutes I got side-tracked and started looking at hot tattooed rockabilly chicks on flickr. The internet is an evil time suck! You can relate because at this exact moment YOU are wasting YOUR time!

Anyhoo, I think I can describe this dumb celebrity move without video evidence. Also, I should mention that I already know nobody is going to give a shit about this subject. Tough titty. Do people still say tough titty? Can you tell I’m avoiding the subject at hand? (No pun intended! Seriously, I didn’t notice this hilarious pun until I was proof-reading.)

Fine, fine, here we go…
(Jerry Seinfeld voice) What’s the deal with celebrities always blessing me with their hands? Their beautiful, superior hands. There is something so incredibly annoying when a celeb addresses a crowd, perhaps at an award show, and does that stupid, hippie, hand blessing/bow combo. It feels so condescending and disingenuous. If you could see their thought bubble it would read something like, “me me me me me me me me me me me me.”

I give up, this post is dumb. Forgive me. I’m hand blessing you all right now. Well, actually it’s more of a finger blessing.

It is not going to be easy getting through this without vomiting.

I hate hippies. Everyone hates hippies. The only thing worse than a hippie is a hippie with dreadlocks. Ew, a little barf just came up. By definition dreads are disgusting. They are born from neglect and filth (on white people). HOWEVER, somehow it works on real Rasta dudes. BLACK Rasta dudes! It’s an entirely different story when Brad from Cinnabon lets his disgusting hair brush against your cinnamon roll. Sure, Brad loves Sublime and owns Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits on CD and MP3 but he’s hardly “jammin.” Now get me another cinnamon roll you smelly hippie and this time keep that shitty hair of yours out of my delicious icing! You know what Brad, forget it, I don’t even want a cinnamon roll anymore, in fact I may never eat again.

Ironically, these white dirt bags attempt to give off this “hey man whatever” vibe when in reality they are thinking, “hey man look at me, I’m cool, I’m different, do you think I’m cool, I’m in your face, me me me love me.”

If my kid ever tried to pull this shit I would ship him off to Jamaica to live in a tenement yard in Trenchtown.

I have a real love/hate relationship with NPR. Yesterday while listening to the program “Re:sound” on my shower radio (soak it in ladies) it was all hate! It started off innocently enough with various music related subjects but the last segment sent me into a rage spiral. A sexy, sexy, naked rage spiral!

The host of the program, Gwen Macsai, said something like “blah blah bah, and finally here’s a chorus of teapots.” I was optimistic and thought someone had found a way to play a tune with multiple whistling tea kettles. Nope. It was literally four tuneless, screaming, hissing teapots drilling their way through my ears. Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen gets back on the mic and says something like “that was ‘Four Teapots’ produced by blah blah blah AND blah blah blah.” Do you understand what I am saying here? It took two people to record and “produce” the whistling teapots! TWO PEOPLE! It took two people in ironic nerd glasses and sensible thrift store shoes to record some noisy teapots. Fuck off!

If you don’t believe me (I wouldn’t) take a look at the bottom of this page.

NPR has some great shows and thankfully they exist as an alternative to the sea of mindless drivel that fills most of the airwaves but they just can’t help themselves from doing stupid shit. No wonder so many people hate liberals. Being told a bunch of howling teapots is art is enough to make me vote Palin/Limbaugh in 2012.

I have nothing against people riding bikes (except these cock holes) and I have nothing against trying to burn less gas by riding a bike BUT if you have ever been hijacked by these assholes you can understand my anger.

If you don’t know what “Critical Mass” is consider yourself lucky. The last Friday night of every month hundreds of bikers gather and ride through urban areas causing traffic jams with smirks on their ironically mustached faces. They ride in a large group and take great joy in holding up traffic by stopping in busy intersections and riding around in circles. In general it’s a parade of assholes that pisses everyone off.

It’s the typical, misguided, hippie theory of protesting. Make sure EVERYONE hates you at all times!

“Hey dudes, like we should teach everyone about how awesome bikes are. I was thinking we could like hold up traffic and make everyone hate the sight of a bicycle and like show people how much gas cars waste by making them waste more gas while we block their yuppie asses. It will be totally sweet and create even more pollution. Now, where’s my mustache wax?”

Can you tell I was just trapped by these douchebags on Friday? Idiots.