Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:
– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.
Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!
I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.
The mission of the Klingon Language Institute, is to “bring together individuals interested in the study of Klingon linguistics and culture, and provide a forum for discussion and the exchange of ideas.” If you translate that into normal human language, their mission is to “never bring a vagina anywhere near their penises.”
When I think about how little extra time I have in my life to do worthwhile things, and then imagine these buttholes sitting around on a Saturday night with a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a Klingon dictionary, it makes me want to… what’s the word… makes me want to tlhaw’ these nerds right in the DIrons!
I heard that the original title of the new Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank and her teeth was “Amelia Earhart: Jus’ Wavin’.” Judging from the trailer, this would have been an appropriate title.
I count at least 12 people waving in this trailer, not including the double wave by Swank at 1:35! Considering this represents less than 2 minutes of the film, I am conservatively estimating that the movie itself contains approximately 8,437 waves. This estimate does not include scenes of waving crowds. With crowd waving included, I would increase that figure to about 3.5 million waving hands.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch people wave almost as much as I enjoy waving myself. In high school I was Vice President of the Waving Club and after college I thought briefly about turning pro. Sadly, an unfortunate incident with a ceiling fan put an end to my waving career. Sure, I still do a little waving on the weekends when the weather is nice but it’s nothing like when I was at my peak.
Maybe Amelia Earhart should have spent a little less time waving and a little more time not crashing into the ocean.
This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.
If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.
Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?
There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?
I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?
First of all, let’s put an end to the rumor that Megan Fox is SOOOOOO HOT! Megan Fox is pretty, at best. I honestly would not give her a second look if I saw her on the street. Well I might do a double take if I caught a glimpse of those fucking disgusting, stubby toe thumbs. To compare them to toes is actually an insult to toes. I am sorry toes. What the fuck is wrong with her thumbs? If I saw that hand making its way towards my boner I would immediately start making excuses about how I had to get up early because I’m going to prison for murder and I don’t want to be late on my first day.
Forget the thumbs for a second, which I understand is not easy to do, have you heard this dolt speak? She is shockingly dumb. If I were to compare her intelligence and charm to a popular band, I would have to say she is somewhere between The Insane Clown Posse and Creed. Oh, and she’s had sex with “David Silver!” I’m sorry, but any woman who would allow Brian Austin Green’s boner within 10 feet of her body is automatically an idiot.
I managed to use the word “boner” twice in one post. My work here is done, I quit.
Remember the good old days when kids’ opinions were meaningless? I miss the days when a child sharing his opinion would result in a beer can to the head. OK, I don’t actually think you should throw beer at children. It’s obviously wrong to beat a child and it’s even worse to waste beer.
Believe it or not, I actually really like kids. I think a lot of children are totally awesome, and in many ways, I relate to them more than I do my fellow adults. HOWEVER, that does not mean I need to hear their opinions about the latest crappy crap that some movie studio crapped out of their craphole.
Here’s my problem with this concept. Have you ever heard a “real” kid NOT like a movie? They fucking love everything as long as it’s not too scary or boring. What KidsPickFlicks.com does though is give these brats an inflated sense of themselves and suddenly Kung Fu Panda lacks adequate character development. I actually have another problem with this website. Take a look at the reviews and tell me they were really written by children. It’s obvious adults have their hands in the mix. I actually think a website of real kids reviewing movies in their own words without editing would be fun to read.
OK, this is a total cop out post because my computer is going to be crunching something big for the next several hours and I only have a couple minutes to post something. I’m also super tired from a nap. I hate naps. Have I written about naps before? I think so. Fuck you, naps!
Anyhoo, my cousin sent this video to me a few hours ago and I am still trying to locate my balls, which promptly crawled deep into my body after only about 15 seconds of viewing these freaks losing their shit over the new Twilight trailer.
If you have ears and balls, prepare to fight the urge to remove all 4 of them.
FINALLY something that combines my love of pointless texting and people who talk during movies!
If you are a normal, fully functioning adult then you probably have not heard of “MuVChat.” Take a moment to thank Jesus for this because I am about to ruin your life. MuVChat allows you to read what’s on the minds of the dipshits sharing the theater with you. You see, at a MuVChat screening you can text any piece of bullshit rolling around in your empty skull and it will appear at the bottom of the screen. Imagine how insightful and creative these texts must be. I’m guessing it’s mostly comments like…
“Yo diz guy iz fast and furious yo”
“WTF dat guy doing yo”
“yo look out dat guy be behind yo azz!!!!”
“why dis button guy gotta age backwardz and shit yo :(”
“deez guyz is fagzz yo”
“beyonce’s azz be da shiz yo LMAO ROFL”
“Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain, yo”
I mean just look at the sample comments they put in their promo video. “Why I’m not a male model.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Are they as dumb as their audience or do they know they are marketing to idiots and want to speak their language? Either way it makes me want to stand outside the MuVChat offices and fling poop at anyone leaving the building.
If MuVChat becomes popular I beg you to kill me! Thanks (sort of) to my wife for bringing this to my attention.
