You just made my list!

I’m back from vacation and ready to complain so let’s get started!

Imagine that it is early morning and you find yourself in line at an airport McDonalds. It is a slow moving line but one that offers a good view of the 5 things available on the menu. You don’t even bother glancing at the board though because even though you only eat at McDonalds 4 times a year you have their fart-inducing menu memorized. You probably even know the number of the meal deal you want. It’s all so easy and soon you will be pooping your McDonalds in a Mexican toilet. Life is good.

Now imagine standing in line behind some creepy guy on his way to a creepy Christian camp who is holding a creepy dirty pillow covered in his creepy head filth. Although the sight of this pillow is almost enough to make you second guess breakfast you stick with it because you have a 4 hour long flight to Mexico in a couple minutes. You are FINALLY the second person in line and only have to wait for shit pillow to order and move on. Surely pillow man will say something like “I’ll have a #4 with a medium orange juice” and be on his way to the most funnest Christian camp in the world!

What happens next baffles you though. When dirty pillow is ready to order he says, “um, do you have donuts?” Donuts? McDonuts? When told no he says, “Really, no donuts? Um, how about rolls? Bagels?” ROLLS? DONUTS?

I hate everyone who isn’t me.

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?

Let me set the scene for you…

You are waiting in a long line at a restaurant. Well, actually more like a local hot dog or burger joint that is always busy. It’s a long line that holds more people than the amount of seating in the restaurant. To the untrained eye, the eye of a selfish prick for example, it seems almost certain that you will get your food but will be unable to find an open table at which to feed your fat face. So it looks like you have a real problem on your hands. Oh my god, what should you do, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

I’ll tell you what normal people do, they wait in line, get their food and sit at the table that inevitably opens up just in time. Now the amateur, or “asshole,” will choose a different path, a darker path. They will rip apart the fabric that holds society together. These jerks will send a member of their group to save a table although they still have a good 10 minutes of line to wait in. I have two words for these people… go-fuck-yourself-you-table-saving-buttholes.

As soon as you jump the line to save a table you throw the entire symbiotic relationship of the people waiting and the people eating. In these types of restaurants the crowd generally eats quickly and leaves which means by the time you get your food a table will be waiting for you. But these selfish jerks fuck it up for everyone. They create panic and discord in the herd. They need to be stopped.

The real reason this gets me so red in the face is not so much that I am worried I will not find a table, rather it’s just another case of my fellow man acting selfish and remaining unaware that other people exist. Just wait your turn like everyone else.

Here’s the thing about tapas, I love to EAT tapas and that’s where the problem begins. Any time I go to a tapas restaurant I end up eating approximately one cube of potato, three pieces of bread and an olive. But wait, when I looked at the table it was covered in food. There were miniature plates everywhere!

I suppose it’s really my fault for not taking more food from each tiny plate as they whiz by. I just feel guilty taking too much when 10 people are trying to share food from plates that belong in a doll house. Half the time I don’t even get to taste the food I ordered. I just sit there and watch like a hungry dog as my dish travels around the table. As it passes through the filthy hands of my soon to be ex-friends I watch as the cubes of cheese I ordered begin to disappear. I quickly do the math and realize no cheese will be entering my mouth hole this evening. I fantasize about fabulously violent ways to kill each and every one of my cheese-filled “friends.” One will get an oily skewer to the neck while another I will drown in sangria. You will all pay the price for eating my cheese you pieces of shit!

First of all, I worked in a restaurant for two years and I know first hand how INCREDIBLY difficult and stressful it can be. Working in a busy restaurant sucks giant hairy ass because every time you start your shift you know the next 8 hours are guaranteed to be total chaos. EVERY DAY!

So anyway, I went to lunch at a nice-ish restaurant with two coworkers (fuck you, yes I have a job) and a couple of us ordered the tortilla soup appetizer. What we received looked more like orange chili or maybe this, but OK not a big deal. Before the first spoonful touched my lips I already smelled something suspect but I like to live on the edge so into my mouth it went. YUMMY, soapy bleach, just like mom used to make when she wanted me to slowly die! I took another small bite and it was clear something had gone horribly wrong with this soup. I asked my friend is she felt the same way and of course she did because it tasted like hobo’s armpit.

We quietly discussed the possibility of sending the soup back but didn’t want to be dicks. Ultimately we decided it needed to be sent back but unfortunately our waitress refused to check back with us. I think she saw us discussing the soup and was avoiding us. Finally she stopped by with our sandwiches and in my shyest, most polite voice I said “I’m sorry, I know you are going to think we are crazy but this soup does not taste right. I really think there is something wrong with it.”

Her reaction? She stared at us like we just said “I think this soup is evil, it’s stealing our thoughts.” All she said was a long, sarcastic “O Kaaaaaaaaaay” before removing the bowls of poison soup. Here’s the thing, even if we WERE dicks and the soup was JUST FINE she still should have said “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Let me take these from you and check with the chef.” Then she can go into the kitchen and flip us off or spit in our food but to our face at least PRETEND to give a shit.

She never said sorry once. Well, that’s not entirely true, when dropping off the check she lazily said “again, I’m sorry about the soup.” Again? Again? Too late to start working for that tip.

I realize this long boring story about my soup seems trivial but I just fucking hate people in the service industry who treat you like shit when you are being VERY polite to them. I don’t care if you hate your job, most people do, deal with it. I have worked some HORRIBLE jobs but I never took it out on the customer, it wasn’t their fault that I was too stupid to get a good job.

Be like me, I am perfect.

I have never wanted to see a crane collapse as much as when I stare into the soulless faces of these jerks. How bored do you have to be to pay something like $20,000 to eat while hanging from a fucking crane? You will not find a human being on this planet who is more bored than me and yet I somehow have avoided calling “Dinner in the Sky” to come hoist my lazy ass 150 feet in the air for a little fine dining while strapped to a chair like a turd. YAY, now you have a lame story to tell all your lame friends down at the country club.

If I didn’t know this was real I would assume it was an internet gag. The best part? Here’s the first item on their FAQ page…

“Toilet Facilities – It’s like in a normal restaurant: you ask where they are to the waiter and… you go down. It’s just a bit less discreet because the whole table goes down but it takes less than a minute.”

It’s not going to take less than a minute if it’s me who’s using the toilet facilities. “Hey everyone, I know you all paid like a million dollars to eat up in the sky so all the poor people could watch but I need to take this bitch down for a sec. I REALLY have to shit you guys. Sorry but I am touching cloth over here. Very expensive cloth.”

Hey rich jerks, YOU WON ALREADY! You don’t need to prove it by eating from a crane for all to see.