I don’t care much for football. However, when I’ve gone to games in person I’ve had a good time. Wait, I just realized that’s a huge lie. My dad used to take me to see the Bears when I was a kid but there was nothing fun about sitting outside when it was 10 degrees and the wind was whipping of the lake so fast the snot INSIDE your nose would freeze. Maybe this is why I hate football. Maybe this is why I have Daddy issues.
So me complaining about something that has to do with football is like a deaf person yelling “TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!” Nonetheless, when I heard that an upcoming Dallas Cowboys game was going to be partially presented in 3D I thought that might be cool. That is until I learned it wasn’t going to be broadcast in 3D over my TV, but instead it would be shown in 3D on the ridiculously large/ugly/unnecessary HD screen that hangs in the equally ugly Cowboys Stadium. Huh? Aren’t those people already witnessing the game in 3D? Do the Cowboys play in a different dimension?
Are you as bored by this post as I am?
I guess I just don’t understand the purpose of going to a game, only to watch that same game on the giant TV hanging over the actual game you are actually sitting at in your actual jean shorts. I especially don’t understand the need to see it in 3D if your George Bush-lovin ass is already there in person!
What could possibly go wrong? You’re jumping off a roof with wheels on your feet. I only pray that this sterilized him.
I masturbated to this.
What’s with these assholes and roofs? Best case scenario is two broken ankles. It’s as if someone has been videotaping my wet dreams.
I filled the bath with hot soapy water, lit the room with 25 candles, poured myself a glass of white Zinfandel and watched this on a continuous loop for 45 minutes.
In general, I find football to be boring. I don’t mind the getting together with friends and eating/drinking aspect of it, but there is just too much downtime in the game for me to get excited by it. What I have zero patience for is sports shows that prattle on and on about every boring detail like a kitchen full of old hens gossiping about who wasn’t at church on Sunday. However, nothing makes me more embarrassed for humanity than a bunch of guys in suits acting out football plays and discussing strategy on a miniature field. It’s sad and reminds me of this.
Oh, but the madness does not stop there. Now they have added virtual players that interact with the suit guys, creating what looks like a video game so slow your parents might actually be able to keep up with it. Why do we need this? Plus, I just hate these guys with their huge gorilla hands, their giant sports rings and their wide-legged stance. I can feel the noogies through the TV.
Couldn’t find a football example but this should give you just as many nightmares.
I don’t really care much either way about football, but in honor of the Chicago Bears opening game last night, I feel it is my duty to take a virtual dump all over one of the least thoughtful renovations of a historic landmark ever.
Solider Field was officially opened in 1924 and has been home to many historic events. In 2002 the city of Chicago and some other douchebags decided it was time to renovate the stadium but because the stadium was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, they could not monkey around with the existing structure too much. The solution? Drop a fucking ugly piece of shit INSIDE and ON TOP OF the existing Soldier Field. This has got to be the laziest, most thoughtless work of architecture that has ever made it from blueprints to construction. How the fuck did the city let this happen?
Guess what the first thing to happen was after these “improvements” were completed? It was swiftly and wisely removed from the National Register of Historic Places.
The dick heads responsible for this brilliant design, Benjamin T. Wood and Carlos E. Zapata, should be in architecture jail right next to Frank Gehry.
Sorry, this one was not very fun or funny, I’m too lazy to be creative. Blogging sucks.
If I ever catch my child participating in anything that remotely resembles parkour or “free running” I am going straight to the nearest antique tool dealer, buying the largest, rustiest pre-civil war saw they own, driving back home and cutting his feet off. I’m serious, if I so much as see that kid walking on a curb or staring at a wall longingly, he can kiss those tootsies goodbye. Sure, he will complain about how “mean” I am blah blah blah, but what kid doesn’t bitch and moan about their parents? He will thank me later when he’s watching all those douchebags jumping around and falling on their faces, safely from the comfort of his wheelchair. He will look down at his gnarled stumps and think “Thank the good Lord above that I’m not wasting my time on this shit.” He will roll off into the setting sun to the sound of zitty teen faces slamming against the pavement and whisper “Thank you dad.”
Thanks to Jonathan for tipping me off to this Parkour scene from The Office!
If you are anything like me, these parkour accidents will give you a boner.
Let me explain why this ad is on my list before you get on your soapbox and call me homophobic. I’m not at all homophobic, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy that the only available treadmill at the gym today faced this poster. My treadmill was about 18″ away so I was forced to literally stare head-on at Terrell Owens’ chiseled body while I lazily walked along like an old guy at the mall. Hey, I burned off 34 calories during those 5 minutes I’ll have you know!
I don’t need that kind of pressure at the gym. I specifically joined Bally because it’s mostly filled with lazy fat slobs who workout for about 2 weeks before getting bored and retreating back to sucking on the fast food teat. At Bally, I almost look athletic, but not when this shit is staring me down. Is it too much to ask for posters of Dom Deluise or “Rerun” to grace the walls so I can remain delusional about the state of my own body? Why the hell is he even naked in this ad?
Plus, what if coincidentally got a boner while staring at this poster. I have yet to get a boner at the gym, but what if I popped one of those “just woke up from a nap” boners while on the treadmill facing a naked T.O.? What if I accidentally started to masturbate after I accidentally got a boner? I’m not saying it’s likely, but WHAT IF?!?
Fuck it, I’m not going back to the gym until his show is canceled.
Want to do something horrible? Search Google images for “golf outing” and prepare yourself for approximately 10,000,000 photos that look exactly like the one above.
If I ever see you wearing shorty golf socks, prepare to have those socks filled with my pee. Oh my God, I am officially the worst “writer” ever. That was possibly the dumbest thought ever expressed on the internet. Moving on… keep your short, doll-sized, pee-soaked socks away from me.
I actually like to play golf but the whole culture surrounding it sucks. The “sport” is filled with douchey white guys who live to tuck their shirts into various forms of pants (i.e. slacks, shorts, Dockers, jeans, etc.) and they still think it’s “money” to smoke cigars.
It’s not easy being better than everyone. Just kidding, it is.
