Am I the only idiot who is still watching Lost? I’ve never really liked the show but now I have to see it through to the end. I just want answers God damn it! This season they are taking me to the edge of insanity with the addition of time travel. Fuck me. I guarantee, those jerk writers added time travel to the mix because it allows them to do anything they want. They can get out of all the corners they backed themselves into by simply letting time travel explain it away.
My slow noodle is about to explode from all this jumping back and forth through time. Just tell me what the fucking smoke monster is and why there are polar bears and pirate ships on this piece of shit island already! Is it heaven? Is John Locke Jesus? Is this whole show taking place in Hurley’s fat head? WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN?
Here’s the deal, time travel never works in any TV show or movie. There are simply too many holes and complications to make it plausible in any plot. I mean right now on Lost we have to accept that there is a child Ben and an adult Ben walking around at the same time for Christ’s sake. Don’t even get me started on the disappearing photo in Back to the Future!
On a side note: I just overheard a commercial for the new “Fast and Furious” movie and they quoted the following review… “The best of all the Fast and Furious movies.” That’s like saying “The best tasting bucket of vomit.” I wish I had a time machine so I could go back 45 seconds and change the channel. Or maybe I could go back to 2001. Not to stop 9/11 but to kill everyone responsible for The Fast and The furious. FINE, I’ll kill Osama Bin Laden too. I’m so nice.
I believe it was the wise and insightful George W. Bush who said “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me…………… you can’t get fooled again.” Like most everything George Bush said, I totally agree!
I made the mistake of seeing “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” a few weeks ago. You could say it was my own personal 9/11. It was definitely a tragedy and I immediately made ribbon magnets for my car that say “Paul Blart: Mal Cop – Never Forget.”
Imagine how difficult it was for me to see a trailer for “Observe and Report,” the new mall cop movie starring Seth Rogen. I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after Blart and simply was not mentally prepared for another catastrophe.
The most confusing thing about these dueling mall movies is that the female lead of each movie is NOT the same actress! Kevin James’ love interest in Blart is Jayma Mays, who looks exactly like Seth Rogen’s love interest in Observe, Anna Faris. In fact, until I did a little research, I was sure both movies starred the same girl.
Is this the beginning of same strange Twilight Zone scenario where eventually every movie is about a fat mall cop who falls in love with a blonde mall employee? It already seems like Seth Rogen is in every new movie. Is Seth Rogen taking over the planet? Is he an alien lusting after human blood? I’ve got you figured out Rogen, and like George W. Bush said “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe… I believe what I believe is right.”
Yeah, that’s right, I finally snapped! I couldn’t take it any longer and had to escape to the beach. I’m not saying which beach because I don’t need one of my many fans to stalk me and try to sell photos of me on vacation to TMZ. Rest assured I will be warm and toasty as I do absolutely nothing all day, every day for a week. Knowing how fragile my readers can be and how empty your lives are without me, I have decided to give you a full week of things I actually LIKE rather than shut the site down. Don’t get too excited, I’m not writing shit. I’m just going to post some cool/funny/interesting/dumb videos. Feel free to say terrible things about me while I’m gone because I will not be checking in.
Thank God I was lucky enough to see this piece of crap for free thanks to an advance DVD. I think I may have literally gone insane had I seen it in a theater.
For the record, I wanted to see this movie and I wanted to like it. I really like most of David Fincher’s movies and I even like Brad Pitt. Side note: if you look up “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” on IMDB, Brad Pitt is not listed in the cast. Kind of a dis considering he is in every scene.
While watching this movie I had an uneasy feeling, the exact feeling I had while watching “Forrest Gump.” It’s a feeling I can only describe as being inappropriately touched by a tiny crowd of “Love Is” figurines while being force fed a bag of sugar. Benjamin Buttons might be the biggest “aw shucks” movie of all time, even more so than Gump. Oh by the way, guess why it reminded me of Forrest Gump? Both movies share the screenwriting magic of Eric Roth! Turd.
For a movie that tells the entire life story of a man, a man who ages in reverse no less, it’s incredibly BORING! Not to mention, this film clocks in at around 7 hours and 35 minutes. I took a 45 minute nap and had no problem picking up the action when I awoke because all I missed was a 45 minute scene of Brad Pitt drinking tea.
Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.
Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.
I knew I was going to hate this movie and that is precisely why I avoided it until Sunday afternoon when I found myself in a situation that did not offer an escape. Having said that, I still was hopeful that it would be at least enjoyable enough to sit through. It wasn’t. I would re-title this movie “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Waste of My Day Off: You Motherfuckers.”
I love Michael Cera but this piece of shit relied so heavily on his “I’m a gentle, lovable kitten” persona that by the end of it I was even sick of him. Michael Cera, consider this your official warning. Strike one was Juno and Nick and Norah is strike two. He’s too good for this mindless, formulaic, teen movie crap. Yes, Juno was crap too so shut up.
Here’s the best part, after watching Nick and Norah struggle to discover their love for each other for 90 minutes while we, the audience, knew they “should really be together” they don’t even end up together at the end. They each go back to their jerky exes! Fuck off, of course Nick and Norah ended up together just as we all knew they would and that’s what made the movie as painful as a zit right on the edge of your lip. There is nothing to distract you, like a memorable storyline or performances, from the inevitable ending. Instead you have to sit through the torture of waiting for the thing you know is going to happen to happen in exactly the way you knew it was going to happen.
I was extra bummed because the director, Peter Sollett, wrote and directed a wonderful, simple film in 2002 called “Raising Victor Vargas” that is miles in the other direction of Nick and Norah. It also deals with young love but in an incredibly realistic and engaging way. Watch both and try to convince me that the “Hollywood” formula is better.
