You just made my list!

I would like to preempt any desire you might have to tell me to “burn my TV.” It’s not going to happen so I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to be told to turn off the TV and pick up a book so fight that urge you fucking hippies.

Now that we have that unpleasant talk out of the way I can explain why I even know who this guy is. You see, I used to be like you and would ignore programs like TMZ. That was until they placed it between my 5:00 Simpsons and my 6:00 Simpsons. I have a little TV on my desk but I don’t turn it on until 4:00 for People’s Court. Have I ever told you how much I love People’s Court? The mere mention of People’s Court makes me kiss my fingers while making the “muah” sound like a cartoon Italian chef on a pizza box.

Anyway, thanks to the programming change I started listening to TMZ while working. I would occasionally glance over but only to make myself feel superior to the idiots who actually watch this crap. A few disapproving glances turned into watching an entire “story” about Pauly Shore waiting for his car at the valet stand. Next thing you know I’m watching a hard hitting piece on Tori Spelling and that husband of hers waiting for their car at the valet stand. Before I knew it I was watching a full 22 minutes of C and D list celebrities waiting for their cars at valet stands. AND LOVING IT!

The more boring or mundane the activities these “celebs” were engaged in the more I wanted to watch. Look, there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo drinking coffee. OH LOOK, it’s Seal walking through a parking lot not saying a word. What’s that you say, you have a 2 second clip of that guy from Scrubs going through airport security?!? Be still my beating heart!

If you have not seen the show (loser), the format is a bunch of TMZ gossip hounds sitting at their morning meeting pitching ideas to head TMZ guy and sippy cup lover Harvey Levin (FROM PEOPLE’S COURT). They hold up a piece of paper with a photo on it and say “I’ve got Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall and he looks really fat” followed by a clip of Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall while looking fat. THAT’S THE ENTIRE SHOW and I fucking love it!

To get to my point, one of the main TMZ gossip guys who appears on the show every day is this surfer dude with long blond hair. He’s kind of the star of the “morning meeting” and usually gets the most screen time. Apparently he even has a name, Max Hodges. The weird thing is Max, who reports on celebrities, is starting to think he IS a celebrity. I guess he kind of is in a weird way. The point is, he’s starting to act like a douchebag and he’s wrecking my little TMZ utopia.

I just realized how long this post is and how few of you care. Burn your books and watch more TV!

These guys follow every move Max Hodges makes.

Let me be VERY clear I LOVE animals and am endlessly thankful for people who devote their lives to helping them. I’m one of those ridiculous people who sees a homeless guy with a dog and thinks “I hope that dog is getting enough to eat.” I am glad there are people like Sarah McLachlan who use their celebrity to do something noble. Finally, the thought of a person being cruel to an animal literally turns my stomach.

Having said all of that, I can’t reach the remote fast enough when this commercial comes on the TV. It’s not the commercial’s fault, I just can’t stand to see slow motion shots of sad/abused/forgotten animals. To date, I have only seen the first 3 seconds of this ad and it’s enough to ruin my day. I always change the channel immediately. The problem is that the commercial is so long I always turn back too soon and find a pair of sad doggie eyes staring at me from behind cage bars.

Oh, and now there’s a new sad animal commercial with polar bears clinging to life on a tiny chunk of ice. Jesus Christ, I just want to watch People’s Court without crying!

If the economy didn’t suck and I had some extra cash I would be more than happy to donate to the ASPCA. So I guess that means you will have to donate in my honor. If you don’t, I will email sad animal photos to you every day. Don’t be like me, donate to The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I’m back ma, your little baby boy is alive!

Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.

Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.

Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”

Here’s the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the “Claymaniacs,” and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let’s take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and “just knew” Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs

I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, “why do you care so much, it really is nobody’s business.” I was sitting there thinking to myself “FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken.” DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, “Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I’m Clay Aiken right?”

I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?

Can somebody please tell super honkies Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale that they are NOT Jamaican? First they name one kid “Kingston” and now these turds can be seen pushing baby “Zuma Nesta Rock” around in a $1,500 stroller all over the mean streets of Beverly Hills. They act like they conceived these kids while on a weed break down at the steel drum factory.

In case you don’t watch the news, “Nesta” is Bob Marley’s real first name that was later switched to his middle name. Hey, I like Bob Marley too, what white person from the suburbs doesn’t own his greatest hits? If Gwen and Gavin REALLY want to prove they are the reggae fanatics they pretend to be I expect their next child to be named “Perry Toots Cliff Dekker Paragon Upsetter Stafani-Rossdale.”

Stop being such show off dickheads with the baby names already and name your next kid “Bob” or “Jill.” We get it, you’re cooler than normal people.

I wish I could remember why these two idiots are even famous. Weren’t they in a ska Nirvana cover band or something? They are so painfully boring I can barely continue to type… sleepy… so sleepy…

Way to go God. Thanks jerk!

Don Lafontaine dead at age 68.