You just made my list!

We get it, your kid is awesome. Your kid is the best at everything and the rest of us should pull to the right when we see you on the road so that you may pass unfettered. We should all bow our heads in shame, and if we are unlucky enough to be in the car with our own worthless children, we should look them right in their stupid eyes and say, “Why can’t you be more like that kid? You really do suck, do you know that? Now get that beef jerky out of your nose before I drive this minivan into the nearest lake.”

And guess what? I also don’t care that your Golden Retriever is smarter than that lady’s honor student. First of all, I doubt that is true, I mean how would you even test such a thing? Sure, your dog is smarter than my dumbass kid, but how can we know for sure that it’s smarter than an honor student at Ben Franklin Elementary? We simply can’t.

Nerds.

These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.

Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.

Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!

This is one of those subjects that fills me with so much rage that I’m not convinced I can make it through without punching my computer in the face. It does not help that it’s past midnight and I am tired from drinking.

OK, I know you have seen, or at least heard of, Mtv’s Cribs. Well now they have a new version called “Teen Cribs” that makes me want to dig a hole and bury myself alive. You might think from the title that this program visits the homes of famous teenagers like the Jonas Brothers and shows how awesome they are and how bad you suck. Believe it or not, it’s actually much worse. Teen Cribs goes to the homes of rich families who happen to have teen children. Are you following me? These are just a bunch of random rich asshole teenagers! They are not famous and they have literally achieved nothing more than being lucky enough to fall out of the vagina of a rich woman.

Who the fucking fuck wants to watch some spoiled fuck with unruly hair take you on a tour of their parent’s mansion? No wonder this country is about to implode!

I hate everyone.

Just how badly do these parents want their daughters to be strippers, sluts, bitches, bimbos and/or whores? It is scientifically proven that the most likely way to see your daughter flash her dumb tits on a Girls Gone Wild commercial is to allow her to watch Bratz or play with Bratz dolls. On a side note, I wish I could be there to witness some dad sitting alone in the family room late at night as he gets a boner watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial when all of a sudden, WHAM, his daughter appears on the screen! That has got to be one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind. I mean not for him but for the rest of us.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you let your daughter watch Bratz you are a bad parent and your kid is going to be a trashy whore. That is all.

If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.

I’m not dumb, I understand WHY people were initially fascinated by the Octo-mom but can’t we move on to the next freak now?

Weeks ago I thought about writing something about this weirdo but it’s too obvious. How could I possibly add a fresh perspective to the subject? This human clown car* is obviously sick and any reasonable person should be able to acknowledge that and move on. So why the hell do I have to see her Angelina-Jolie-post -flaming-car-accident face every time I turn on the TV?

Don’t try to blame the media either. If they were not getting ratings from the subject they would drop the story faster than Octo-mom drops babies out of her skirt. ZING!

I know most people can’t look away from a car wreck like this but I really think they should. At best, give it a quick glance but then fight the urge to stare. I’m honestly not trying to be holier than thou but I have a real problem with people who are entertained by others’ misery (unless it’s someone getting hit in the nuts.) I feel like everyone’s fascination with this woman and her soon-to-be-fucked up kids is like watching a cock fight.

I’m pretty sure I will win some sort of major literary (I just misspelled literary) award for this post.

*I totally stole that from someone. Shut up.

We get it, God loves you best! Now stop having children you weirdos!

There is no doubt in my mind Jim Bob (shocker) and Michelle Duggar are addicted to the constant attention they receive for having such a ridiculous amount of children. In fact, they even have a show on TLC called “18 and Counting.” They remind me of parents with Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy disorder. They must be the talk of Arkansas every time they go to Wal-Mart or Pizza Hut. They are like people who cover their face in tattoos, “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!”

I think it’s really sad that there are couples out there struggling to have just ONE child while this woman poos out kids like she’s a dog at a puppy mill. What really kind of sickens me though is the amount of unwanted children in the world who would give anything for a home, even with these creeps, but the Duggars just can’t stop fucking long enough to consider adoption. How does this sound… have 8 or 9 kids and adopt or foster the other 10. Everyone wins.

By the way, these assholes have said they would love to have more children. If that isn’t a cry for attention I don’t know what is.

I literally forgot to write for the blog today. The last two weeks have been an endless parade of meat, cheese and booze.

Here’s me as a little kid. Look how angry and disappointed with life I am already. I am obviously putting the photographer and his crappy studio on my list while this photo is being snapped. Click on it to zoom in and see all my baby rage!