When you were a child and your parents assured you there was no such thing as the boogeyman… they were wrong. There is a boogeyman and his name is Jaime Gomez or “Taboo Nawasha” or whatever the fuck.
What is up with this turd? Actually, what is up with the whole “band?” What am I missing with this group of misfit toys? Everyone seems to like, or at least tolerate, the Black Eyed Peas but I can’t find a single reason for this phenomenon. Especially with this creepy Medieval Times reject running around like a robot ninja all over the stage.
“Taboo” reminds me of an even more annoying version of the already incredibly annoying Anthony Kiedis. Wait, is it possible they are the same person? They both have that long, flowing hair by Herbal Essence. They both have that Cro-Mag face. They both love to wear gloves at inappropriate times. And the biggest giveaway is their mutual love of incessant karate chopping.
I think this is a conspiracy theory I can get behind.
Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag? Answer: No.
I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!
I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!
Did you know people still wear these? I thought they had all been retired to thrift stores, only to be resurrected for the occasional “bad sweater party,” but the other day while filling my car with gas I saw one of these walking by on an actual human. I poured 3 gallons of gas all over my shoes before I snapped back to reality. Did I really just see that? It’s burned into my memory like that famous photo of Big Foot casually walking through the woods, only this Sasquatch looked like he had been barfed on by a unicorn.
Speaking of barfing up a Cosby Sweater, check out #1.
Anyhoo… How is it possible that a living, breathing human with eyes could see one of these monstrosities and think, “Oh yeah. I need a sweater that looks like it’s made form the tears of 1000 clowns.” The bigger mystery is who invented this style of sweater? Wait, and even bigger question is why are they still being produced?
I bet if you put that douchebag Guy Fieri in a giant blender the end result would look remarkably like a Cosby Sweater.
How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?
I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.
In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.
Sure, people look at me and say, “Steve, you are obviously the most awesome and cool guy in the IT dept, we all know this. But Steve, are you also fun? Do you cut loose on the weekends and have your gamer buddies over for some ice-cold Mountain Dews and a 5 hour Monty Python marathon on VHS?”
Well sir, might I direct your attention south about 18 inches? Yeah that’s right dummy, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, that really IS Darth Vader on my tie!!! I know, right? I just blew your mind didn’t I? No seriously, I swear it’s a real neck tie. Go ahead, touch it.
What’s that? Where did I get this hilariously rebellious accessory? No no no, I think not young Skywalker, not ready are you. Wacky tie culture is not something you just jump into blindly.
That’s right corporate world, you will never stifle my joyous nature!
If you are a man* there are very few occasions when a puka shell necklace is allowed on your body. They are…
1) You bought a used time machine on Ebay but the knob is stuck on 1972. It also has a glitch that changes your sex and turns your clothes into a bikini while traveling through time.
2) You are Tatum O’Neal or Jackie Earle Haley and you are starring in “The Bad News Bears.”
3) You are a corpse and your friends thought it would be hilarious to wreck your funeral by strapping some puka shells around your bloated neck.
Just when you thought hipsters had run out of ways to be ironic, those geniuses figured out a way to tap into one more ridiculous trend… the beer belly. According to The New York Times, looking like a fat tub of shit is now cool. The New York City dump is about to be flooded with useless skinny jeans.
I see a problem though. The fat trend is not going to work very well with the trend to be vegan. Then there’s smoking, a habit many hipsters use as a way make their body odor even worse. Smoking has been the skinny hipster’s friend for many years but it could really slow the transformation from cool heroin skeleton to beer-guzzling bubba. I’m thinking a new industry will have to grow around this trend. I’m going to start a “diet” magazine called “Brooklyn Gut” for hipsters looking for tips on weight gain and beer belly shaping. My first article will be titled “Critical Mass Won’t Give You That Critical ASS: Time to Give Up Your Bike.”
SHIT, what will happen to American Apparel? They are going to be working day and night making XXXL ironic shiny disco pants and satin jackets! Luckily their employees are so well-paid and have the best working… SHUT UP!
Is this why Kevin Federline is so fucking hugely fucking god damn fucking fat now? Is K-Fed a trend-setter?
Yeah, I know I have already written about mega-fuckface Criss Angel, but I don’t have time to write anything good tonight and he’s fresh on my mind thanks to several commercials running during Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m not sure why I just watched 3 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter. I am ashamed. Technically, I’m listening to it while I work. Man, that guy’s wife has some ridiculously huge tits. The Dog family appears to love mullets and Jesus in equal parts. I think I will paint a portrait of Jesus with a mullet and a bunch of dreamcatchers in his hair, and send it to Dog. He will shit his leather pants!
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Crissy. I almost hate Criss Angel as much as Guy Fieri, but at least Criss knows how to wear sunglasses on the front of his god damn motherfucking face. Can someone tell me why Criss Angel is always pointing at me? Keep your filthy finger up Carrot Top’s ass and out of my face, you piece of shit. It must take so much effort making sure you have enough “Thunderdome” outfits to last every day of the week.
Back to Dog the Bounty Hunter for a second… Apparently every person who lives in Hawaii is a major drug addict. Why do all these dirt bags get to live in paradise while I dick around in the stupid Midwest? Why do I do everything wrong?
