I would like to preempt any desire you might have to tell me to “burn my TV.” It’s not going to happen so I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to be told to turn off the TV and pick up a book so fight that urge you fucking hippies.
Now that we have that unpleasant talk out of the way I can explain why I even know who this guy is. You see, I used to be like you and would ignore programs like TMZ. That was until they placed it between my 5:00 Simpsons and my 6:00 Simpsons. I have a little TV on my desk but I don’t turn it on until 4:00 for People’s Court. Have I ever told you how much I love People’s Court? The mere mention of People’s Court makes me kiss my fingers while making the “muah” sound like a cartoon Italian chef on a pizza box.
Anyway, thanks to the programming change I started listening to TMZ while working. I would occasionally glance over but only to make myself feel superior to the idiots who actually watch this crap. A few disapproving glances turned into watching an entire “story” about Pauly Shore waiting for his car at the valet stand. Next thing you know I’m watching a hard hitting piece on Tori Spelling and that husband of hers waiting for their car at the valet stand. Before I knew it I was watching a full 22 minutes of C and D list celebrities waiting for their cars at valet stands. AND LOVING IT!
The more boring or mundane the activities these “celebs” were engaged in the more I wanted to watch. Look, there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo drinking coffee. OH LOOK, it’s Seal walking through a parking lot not saying a word. What’s that you say, you have a 2 second clip of that guy from Scrubs going through airport security?!? Be still my beating heart!
If you have not seen the show (loser), the format is a bunch of TMZ gossip hounds sitting at their morning meeting pitching ideas to head TMZ guy and sippy cup lover Harvey Levin (FROM PEOPLE’S COURT). They hold up a piece of paper with a photo on it and say “I’ve got Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall and he looks really fat” followed by a clip of Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall while looking fat. THAT’S THE ENTIRE SHOW and I fucking love it!
To get to my point, one of the main TMZ gossip guys who appears on the show every day is this surfer dude with long blond hair. He’s kind of the star of the “morning meeting” and usually gets the most screen time. Apparently he even has a name, Max Hodges. The weird thing is Max, who reports on celebrities, is starting to think he IS a celebrity. I guess he kind of is in a weird way. The point is, he’s starting to act like a douchebag and he’s wrecking my little TMZ utopia.
I just realized how long this post is and how few of you care. Burn your books and watch more TV!
We get it, God loves you best! Now stop having children you weirdos!
There is no doubt in my mind Jim Bob (shocker) and Michelle Duggar are addicted to the constant attention they receive for having such a ridiculous amount of children. In fact, they even have a show on TLC called “18 and Counting.” They remind me of parents with Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy disorder. They must be the talk of Arkansas every time they go to Wal-Mart or Pizza Hut. They are like people who cover their face in tattoos, “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!”
I think it’s really sad that there are couples out there struggling to have just ONE child while this woman poos out kids like she’s a dog at a puppy mill. What really kind of sickens me though is the amount of unwanted children in the world who would give anything for a home, even with these creeps, but the Duggars just can’t stop fucking long enough to consider adoption. How does this sound… have 8 or 9 kids and adopt or foster the other 10. Everyone wins.
By the way, these assholes have said they would love to have more children. If that isn’t a cry for attention I don’t know what is.
I rarely get sick anymore thanks to a year I spent working out of a friend’s home. Her kids showered me in sneezes, boogers and dirty hands giving me every virus known to man in the process. I was literally sick for at least 3 months straight. Now, thanks to my new super immune system and relatively clean living, I only get sick about once a year. Now is that time.
I want to die. I hate being sick. All I can think about is the fact that I can’t remember what it feels like NOT to be sick.
Sorry, this is a boring post but I’M SICK!
I also hate that girl, Kari Byron, on Mythbusters. She is about 93% less hot than she thinks she is. I proved it with science.
Who wants to waste their time watching a bunch of nouveau riche diva assholes walking around like their shit don’t stink when OBVIOUSLY their shit do stink. Oh man, does it ever stink! There seems to be an endless supply of these jerks and and even more endlesser supply of people who want to watch them do nothing all day long. The list is long with crap like The Hills, Kimora Lee Simons, The Kardashians, The Housewives, My Super Sweet 16, etc. What is the fascination with these useless pieces of shit?
If I had a teenage child, especially a girl, I don’t think I could own a TV. If my kid ever displayed any of the obnoxious traits these reality TV “stars” so proudly flaunt they would be on their way to military school the next morning.
I occasionally like bad TV and I understand the soap opera appeal of shows like The Real Housewives but it’s just getting out of hand. There is something so painfully pathetic about a country on the brink of financial ruin that still focuses so much attention on these creepy jerks.
I love People’s Court. I wish there was a People’s Court channel so I could watch it all day long. I’m not kidding, I love this show.
Do you really think that crappy “surround sound” system you just bought from the back of a van for $200 is really a $3,600 system? Do you really think it’s even going to work? Shouldn’t you cut your loses and spare yourself the humiliation of admitting to all of this on national television?
I honestly don’t even know who or what this is. What am I even looking at here?
Here’s what I do know about this guy… they call him Cojo. That about sums it up. I didn’t even know his real name was Steven Cojocaru until I googled “cojo.”
It’s hard for me to learn more about this nightmare because he’s never on my TV for more than a second before I dive for the remote. If the remote is unavailable I throw a hammer at the screen (yes, I always have a hammer nearby). He honestly scares the shit out of me. He’s like that girl who walks all herky-jerky and backwards in “The Ring.”
I don’t really feel like putting any effort into this tonight so please forgive me for what is probably going to be my most boring post ever. It does not help that my subject matter, Judd from The Real World San Francisco, is quite possibly the most boring person on the planet.
First of all Judd, WE GET IT, you are better than us, you aren’t homophobic and you aren’t afraid to hug a guy with AIDS. Now that we cleared that up maybe he can stop trying to live his life through Perdo Zamora.
Secondly, Judd shot his douchebag score off the charts by marrying a fellow Real Worlder. I just barfed a little. This is the same girl that sad sack Judd helped go on a romantic (paddle boats?) date with her boyfriend. I seem to remember Judd dressing up in a tuxedo and paddling alone in a separate boat with his giant, tear-filled puppy dog eyes. What a tool.
And how can we forget his comic strip “Nuts and Bolts?” Enough said.
My favorite Judd fact has to be this doozy from his wiki page, “Winick proposed to Ling in March 2000, wearing a gorilla suit.” If that doesn’t make you want to kick him square in his vagina I don’t know what could.
Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!
Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.
I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”
What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.
Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?
