You just made my list!

New Star Wars characters released! Soon every child and adult nerd will be collecting the new Robert and Mike action figures from the latest installment in the George Lucas franchise, Star Wars: Let’s Golf This Weekend.

That would be a better explanation of this insanity but sadly these things exist on our planet.

As you all know, since the Iraq and Afghanistan wars began, the burka craze appears to be unstoppable! Seems like EVERYONE owns at least a couple burkas. Moms are wearing them to Walmart and kids in the ghetto are shooting each other over them. I don’t need to remind you that the runaway hit last Christmas was the Snuggie Burka!

Even THAT would be a better explanation.

In reality, these are to protect your precious face and hair (?) from the sun. How about this… if you are that sensitive to the sun you just have to stay inside. Maybe it’s selfish, but when I’m bench-pressing sexy babes on the beach for a crowd of onlookers I don’t need to see you and your sun helmet in my peripheral vision. To be honest, it’s dangerous for me and the girl I’m bench-pressing. I don’t have time for your distracting headgear, not now, not ever.

(This is the part where Jeff leaves a comment like “You know actually, these are for burn victims who need extra protection from the sun” and ruins everyone’s fun. Thanks Jeff.)

If I am ever this bored please kill me. Punch me in the face, take the metal detector out of my trembling hands, use it to find the nearest large metal item and kill me with it. The only problem with this plan is that it will most likely take you 10 years to find a metal “treasure” big enough to even slightly wound me. I don’t want to sit there for weeks while you try to kill me with someone’s lost earring. Fuck it, just kill me with the metal detector.

I know I shouldn’t care if this activity makes people happy, especially since it’s usually old guys, but it depresses me while I’m chugging my Corona and flexing my biceps for the young ladies who inevitably crowd around me at the beach. Do these dorks realize how hard it is to keep my pecs pumped while watching this sad display out of the corner of my eye? I’m trying to decide which girl gets to oil me up while Joe Treasure Hunter is collecting bottle caps. It’s very distracting.

THIS JUST IN… I love metal detector enthusiasts!