You just made my list!

Was I in a coma?

When did every profession get its own reality show? What do you do when that profession, A.K.A. driving trucks on ice, becomes old news? Take those same truckers and force them to drive on a dangerous Himalayan mountain road and asfvvvvvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb… Sorry, I fell asleep face down on my keyboard.

The other night, while flipping through the on-screen channel guide, my girlfriend noticed the show “Parking Wars” and asked, “What is that show about?” I answered, “Parking.” Unsatisfied with that answer, she said, “No really, what is it?” I punched her in the eye and said, “I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD YOU, IT’S ABOUT PARKING!” OK, I would never hit my girlfriend but I was forced to say, “No, seriously, it’s a show about people parking” and then cried myself to sleep.

My attention span for watching people drive trucks on TV is somewhere between less than none seconds and none seconds.

2 minutes and 35 seconds of truckers changing gears and saying shit about roads or something. How is this is real?

You know, just because you are an “emergency” vehicle trying to “save someone’s life” it doesn’t mean you have the right to make me miss my turn at the green light. I mean come on, I sat there forever in a long line of cars watching the lights go from red to green, red to green, red to green until FINALLY it was my turn to sniff the sweet aroma of green light freedom. I fantasized about this moment for the last 5 minutes and even planned on changing my Facebook status to “Woo hoo, finally made it through the intersection. Thank you Mr. Green Light!” but you and your gaudy, flashy vehicle just HAD to be there at the same time and ruin everything!

Fuck you ambulance, what’s the rush? And fuck you dying person in the back of the ambulance too. What, the whole world has to bow to you as you parade around the city in that kickass adjustable bed like some big shot? “Oooooo, look at me, I’m Donald Trump.” Maybe I would like someone to drive my lazy ass around, ever think of that? Selfish prick.

I hope you know I’m secretly hoping you die. Yeah that’s right, you make me miss the first 2 minutes of “The Biggest Loser” and I pray for your death. Seems totally fair and rational to me. You inconvenience me, so I hope you are inconvenienced by an exploding heart.

Ahhhhh, that feels much better.

This is going to be a short rant for 2 reasons.

1) I spent the day in a 5 hour meeting. The kind of meeting where you aren’t the person doing any talking so all you do is sit there and conjure up the sickest sexual fantasies you can involving the women attending the meeting. Then someone finally turns to you and says, “What do you think?” and you blurt out “Baby oil!”

2) Does anyone really care what I have to say about anything?

3) I’m just kidding, I know I am worshiped by many.

4) I was going to write about Giada de Laurentiis and her crazy psycho smile but while looking for photos of her I realized I’m too hypnotized by her cleavage to say anything negative about her. “Baby oil!”

5) Finally, what can really be said about these people? Learn how wide your car is jackass. Should this bother me? Does it actually affect my life in any way? The answer is obviously yes. I hate these people! I also hate people who have no idea where their front bumper is and will cause me to die a slow death behind them in traffic because they REFUSE to simply turn their steering wheel and go around whatever obstacle is in their (our) way. It bothers me. A lot of things bother me.

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me to not run you over while you cross the street. I was seconds away from slamming my foot down on the gas pedal and running your cranky ass over when, out of nowhere, BAM you put that hand in my face, commanding me to think twice about the murder I was about to commit. I especially appreciated that you also gave me the stink-eye the entire time you walked from curb to curb as if to say, “I know you wanted to run me over but I forbid it. FORBID IT!”

People are the worst.

No problem, paint your horrible face while you drive. As long as you got an additional two minutes of sleep this morning, it’s worth running over a few kids on your way to your sad, grey cubicle.

And don’t worry about me, I’ll just go ahead and drive through this Dunkin’ Donuts so that you may drive in every lane. I was in the mood for a “Today’s Special” anyway. Hey that reminds me…

Why the fuck has the Dunkin’ Donuts “Today’s Special” been the same God damn doughnut for all of my adult life? Don’t get me wrong, a glazed doughnut covered in chocolate frosting and half covered in sprinkles from Dunkin’ Donuts is awesome, but I think they are confused about the word special. Unless they are trying to say this doughnut is retarded, they need to mix it up a bit. And what’s up with the half sprinkles? If I wanted an abstract work of art I would… well, I wouldn’t want a piece of abstract art so I don’t need your creative sprinkle configuration either. Knock off this under-achiever attitude towards sprinkles and throw some other doughnuts into the mix. That would truly be special.

The people of Gary welcome you. They welcome you with their Flaming Hot Cheeto-filled shit!

I fucking HATE Indiana. If you are from Indiana, I am sorry… I am sorry you are from Indiana!

Indiana’s official state motto is “The Crossroads of America.” In other words, “Nothing to see here, just keep on driving to your more awesome destination.” I am willing to declare that there is nothing worthwhile in the entire state. Not a single thing! I have never driven through Indiana without contemplating suicide the entire painful ride. The only thing that stops me from driving head-on into an oncoming 18-wheeler is the fear that my corpse would be fed to raccoons by the local authorities.

I guess if you like factories that look like they are from the dreams of a German child locked in an iron lung circa 1929, or endless cornfields broken up by shitty towns with the same 10 fast food chains, then Indiana is your kind of place. I know what you’re thinking, other states fit that description, but the difference is they ALSO have at least one reason to visit. Indiana is just unpleasant from border to border. It achieves a level of suckdom that no other state I have visited comes close to. Don’t try to tell me Indianapolis or the dunes are enough to save it. Indianapolis sucks gorilla scrotum and the dunes are surrounded by the rest of Indiana, so they lose too.

I hate Indiana.

These assholes are the worst people on the planet. They do not deserve to share the oxygen we breathe. They are worse than serial killers, they are worse than Hitler.

These people pull up to a red light in the left lane of an intersection without a left turn lane. You feel safe and cozy about pulling up behind them because they are obviously not turning left. I mean how could they POSSIBLY be turning when their blinkers are off? You are so happy with your lane choice that you crank up the Creed song on the radio and fucking rock the fuck out! Life is good. Ding, the light turns green but wait, what is that? Suddenly, without warning these fuckfaces casually turn on their left turn signal and your life will never be the same.

Listen up dicks, turn your blinker on BEFORE you get to the intersection! Your turn signal is there to tell people “Hey, I’m going to be turning in the future” not “Hey, I’m turning NOW!” Waiting to pop that son-of-a-bitch on when the light turns green is pointless and I hate you.

God damn I’m a good driver!

You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.

While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.

Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I am the world’s best driver.