You just made my list!

Fuck me.

Spring is in the air which can only mean one thing… Six Flags will be entering your soul, Freddy Krueger style, while you sleep and filling your mind with nightmarish dancing bald things in tuxedos, all set to a torturous soundtrack of pumping Vengaboys music. Welcome to hell.

Why is Six Flags trying to get me to commit suicide? First they tried to break my spirit with Mr. Six, followed by the yelling mad Asian guy. When I came out of that experiment alive they instructed that dancing penis to talk! I somehow made it through that summer without chopping my own head off but I’m not so sure I can make it to June thanks to the introduction of Mr. Six’s baby(?) “Little Six.” What the fucking fuck is going on?!? I feel like I’m watching an incredibly well-dressed kid with Progeria have a seizure.

And kudos to their ad agency for getting right on that Austin Powers/Mini Me craze (of 1999)! Top notch work.

Take me now lord, I’m begging you!

FUCK! I spent the last 9 months cleansing the brain space that had previously been invaded by “We Like to Party” by the Vengaboys but thanks to a new round of annoying Six Flags commercials it’s right back in there.

I know I already wrote about Six Flags and their mind-numbing commercials that seem to run during EVERY SINGLE commercial break but the gates of hell have opened once again, only this time Mr. Six is actually speaking. It makes me very uncomfortable and I want it to stop as soon as it starts, sort of like an inappropriate hug from a step uncle. On a side note, I just googled “step uncle” to see if it was one word or two and discovered this insanity…

“I have a freind [sic] who is dating her step uncle, they are not related by blood at all, but is it right? because i feel i should advise my freind [sic] on this!”

“Step uncle-step niece relationships are not prohibited under Leviticus 18 in and of itself. As long as, they are of age I don’t see the problem.”

I’m sorry for my lack of focus but what the hell?

OK, what was I talking about? Who cares. I also saw that Mr. Six is on Twitter which reminds me, follow me on Twitter if you want to ruin your day, possibly week.

God, this is the worst site on the internet, why are you still bothering with me?

I never thought I would actually long for the days when Mr. Six danced his fake old ass off to that piece of shit song but then Six Flags rolled out their “Fun-O-Meter” campaign. Sheesh.

Mr. Six and that song almost took me to the edge of suicide on a number of occasions. He started to appear in my dreams, I stopped showering, I ate dog food and I lost my job. I would sit in the corner wearing nothing more than a bow tie and a KFC bucket on my head. I rocked back and forth quietly singing “ba ba ba ba ba bababa, ba ba ba ba ba bababa, da da da da da dadada, ba ba ba ba ba bababa” in a puddle of my own pee. I hate you Mr. Six but I want you back!

I want you back because this new “Fun-O-Meter” yelling-in-my-face guy has me on the brink of bringing the KFC bucket and bow tie out of storage. Why can’t Six Flags just show me happy people waiting in line for 2 hours with gangbangers and slutty 16-year-old girls in mesh tops? Isn’t that why we all go to Six Flags? I’m getting off topic here but seriously, when was the last time you were at an amusement park? If these kids are our future WE ARE FUCKED.

Anyway, I’m sick of people yelling at me via my TV. I told you like a thousand times, I don’t want to snap into a Slim Jim! These commercials don’t make us pay attention, they make us dive for the remote as if it were a live grenade.

I’ll tell you who else just made my list… me, for spending the last 30 minutes researching who the “real Mr. Six” is. I should be on my list for even knowing his name is Mr. Six!

Well here he is everyone, strike up the fucking band, it’s Danny Teeson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.” Did you even know there was a “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?” So there you go, the last remaining mystery in the universe has been solved! Who cares? Apparently me.

P.S. Try to shake this from your memory.