You just made my list!

I seriously hate that I have to vote today. I can’t find a single politician worth my vote.

They all act like a bunch of asshole kids fighting over a broken toy. They don’t actually want to PLAY with the toy, they just want CONTROL of the toy.

The attack ads were so bad this year, I could barely watch People’s Court! Yeah, don’t FUCK with People’s Court if you want MY vote.

When did our country become so dumb? Were we always this dumb but I didn’t notice it because I was too busy listening to Van Halen and skateboarding?

So happy Voting-For-The-least-horrible-Choice day!

Blah blah blah, I blew off writing tonight. So in place of my passionate rant about something important, here’s a fellow ranter acting like a psycho.

For the record, I know this is old news but I just saw it for the first time tonight.

I thought we were done with this ridiculous idiot. There is nothing more that needs to be said about this moronic dolt, so instead I will rank the cast of Friends from best to worst.

Joey Tribbiani
This is a no-brainer. I mean come on, it’s Joey! He’s clearly the most lovable friend. He’s an actor, a cocksman and he got his head stuck in a turkey.

Monica Geller
Sure, Monica is a neat freak and highly competitive but she’s also fun. She’s one of the guys. She’ll kick your ass at ping pong or Ms. Pac-Man and look good while doing it. She gets points taken off for banging Chandler though. That’s just gross.

Ross Geller
The spot for the third best friend is almost a tie but Ross squeaks by for his goofy antics. Who can forget the leather pants incident or the spray tan fiasco? Plus, he had a pet monkey and that’s worth a lot in my book. Points deducted for being in love with Rachel and for all his serious, dramatic moments. Blah.

Chandler Bing
Could Chandler BE anymore in fourth place? The Chandler and Joey roommate years were great. They had a pet duck and for a while their only piece of furniture was a canoe. Let’s not forget his romance with the lovely Janice, who I believe is his true soul mate. Chandler could have taken the third spot if not for all those hideous vests he wore over the years. Plus he got fat once he started dating Monica. Come on Chandler, Mon deserves better!


Phoebe Buffay
Sorry Phoebe, but as a hippie you must rank low on the list. When her mother committed suicide it must have been incredibly difficult for Phoebe and her twin sister Ursula so I feel a little guilty ranking her so low.


Rachel Green
Rachel Sucks.

To be fair, CNN is not the only network playing with giant iPhones and ridiculous “holograms,” but I think they were the first so they deserve to be punished.

Every time I see John King or Anderson Cooper fingering that giant screen on CNN, a little barf comes up. Can someone explain to me how some turd in a suit molesting a map helps me better understand election results or the 5 day weather forecast? It may look cool but it’s utterly useless. I hate that the news has to look like the fucking X-Games now. Ooooh look, Wolf Blitzer is standing up, this newscast is EXTREME, TO THE MAX! I think I mostly blame Fox News for this style of news. Maybe I mostly blame dumb Americans. I might also blame Mtv. Maybe I just blame everyone who isn’t me.

I miss the days of anchors like Walter Cronkite who actually understood the news they were reporting. Cronkite didn’t need to slide shit all over the screen to deliver the news, he just looked you in the eye and said “Sit down, shut up, here’s the news.”

“It isn’t a TOY you stupid bitch!”

“There are 35 cameras reaming me… and I LIKE it!”

And finally…

As a self-employed person, I pay every month for health insurance. I pay a lot for health insurance and over the years have spent tens of thousands of dollars on it. I also happen to be a very healthy person, knock on wood, so I rarely go to the doctor. I’m not a person who takes advantage of “the system” and I’m not looking for a handout. All I ask is that my insurance is there for me when I need it.

Well guess what insurance? FUCK YOU you fucking FUCK BALL! Today I went to the doctor for a very valid reason, nothing serious but still something that needed to be taken care of. As part of my treatment, I was given a prescription. While driving to the drugstore I was excited because I was just a few minutes away from my magical elixir. I asked the pretend doctor behind the pharmacy counter to tell me how much the medicine would cost. I just about shit all the way to the candy aisle when he told me a month’s worth would run me a mere $600! OK calm down, I’ve got that magic insurance card that I pay for every month and never use, surely I would be paying around $50. Turns out, my insurance is about as useful as having Flavor Flav as a father. With my DISCOUNT, the prescription would cost me… drum roll… $580. Way to go, health insurance!

So even though I have health insurance, my ailment will go untreated, because I cannot afford the $3,500 needed for the necessary amount of medicine. It literally turns my stomach to think about it. Sadly, our government is too busy fighting over whose party is more awesome to ever solve this, or any, problem. While they act like a bunch of toddlers arguing on the playground, the average American gets fucked. It’s shameful.

Then you have these fearful, douchebag idiots who think providing health care for EVERY American is somehow akin to socialism. I would love to ask these people to even give me the definition of socialism. “Duh, it’s like Hitler and Iraq.”

When I think about how little we accomplish in this country due to all this back-and-forth fighting about bullshit, I’m embarrassed for us. We used to be leaders and innovators but now we can’t get anything done. Everyone suffers, except of course, our elected officials and the drug companies. It is truly shameful.

I’m going to keep this short because this subject literally elevates my heart rate to a dangerous level.

There really is absolutely no reason we should have to debate gay marriage. Not only is it un-American to deny this right, it is inhumane. Why the fucking fuck would anyone give a shit if two people who love each other want to get married?!? It’s so ridiculous that I honestly can barely gather my thoughts enough to finish this.

The fact that two people get married, whether they be straight or gay, has nothing to do with your existence. Life will go on exactly the same so worry about your happiness and don’t deny others theirs.

One more thing, if you support gay marriage and are straight you should still be out there protesting. This is an issue of basic civil rights and we should stand together.

I am going to force myself to keep this brief because when I start talking about the subject of gay marriage my fucking blood beings to boil. I can LITERALLY feel my chest tighten right now as I type this. So this will be short or I will die.

If you don’t know, a vote YES on prop 8 means you are voting for a ban on gay marriage. This ridiculous legislation just passed in California with 52.5% in favor of the ban and 47.5% in favor of gay marriage. While the rest of the country took a gigantic step forward with Tuesday’s election these fucking assholes took California back to the stone age. It sickens me.

I will NEVER understand why a person would give two shits about who marries who. It can not possibly affect anyone if two men or women who are in love get married. Simple as that. Oh, but you know right wingers operate solely on fear. Fear of gays, fear of a black president, fear of science, fear of immigrants, and most of all fear of their own sexual desires. I am not saying everyone who is against gay marriage is a closeted homosexual but those right wing, conservative, religious nuts have the most fucked up sexual fantasies on the planet.

The Mormon church spent MILLIONS working towards this ban. Can you imagine that? Think of all the people in need who they could have helped with that money but they decided it was more important that two people in a loving, committed relationship are not given the same basic freedom all Americans deserve. I’m sorry, but why is it OK for Moroms to marry like 10 women at a time?

This is not what America is all about. After Obama’s historic win Tuesday it is kind of easy to relax and think we fixed America. Now that the dust has cleared it’s time for all freedom loving people to do what they can to support your fellow Americans whether or not you agree with their lifestyle. We do not get to pick and choose who is free in this country, we all are.

I’m very tired and far too happy and optimistic to complain about anything tonight so let me just say congratulations to Barack Obama for his amazing accomplishment. He campaigned with honor and dignity and I can not wait to watch his progress as President. And congrats to the American people for giving a shit about their future again and voting! It’s an exciting time to be American.