You just made my list!

Some of you have asked if my recent absence from the site and selling of all my possessions is related to my impending suicide. The answer to that question used to be no, but now that I am aware that laser guided scissors exist… It’s hard to say. In fact, I might even buy one of these useless pieces of shit and aim that laser right over my wrists. It would truly be fitting that the object that makes me want to kill myself is the item that actually does the killing.

Can we make a rule? When mankind has figured out how to end, or even reduce, world hunger and global warming, THEN and only then can we stick lasers to scissors and crayons and forks and whatever the fuck we want to. Until then, lasers can only be used for levels, Pink Floyd laser shows and to aim tasers at shirtless drunks on COPS. All you scrapbookers are out of luck until then.

And guess what motherfucker, your laser-guided space scissors aren’t going to do shit! Think about it, the laser is supposed to offer a guide for you to follow. If your stupid laser is attached to your stupid scissors, every time you move your stupid scissors your stupid laser moves too, stupid. Imagine if the lines in the road were attached to your car, in your mind you would always be driving right down the middle of the road.

Why am I the smartest person in the world?

I know, I’m an an asshole. Why should I care if people find happiness from stupid shit like scrapbooking? I don’t have an answer for you but I thank you for asking. I’m just that way, OK? I’m a dick and I fucking hate all things scrapbooking so deal with it!

Listen up scrapbookers, let’s leave creative endeavors to creative people. Put your hot glue gun and glitter away and go back to watching Wheel of Fortune or the Home Shopping Network. BUT, if you do watch the Home Shopping Network, don’t even think about ordering more scrapbooking crap.

I KNOW, I shouldn’t care that women gather for scrapbooking parties and share squiggly cut paper ribbons and little wooden pumpkins with each other while getting totally tipsy on white wine and mimosas. Should I care that at the average scrapbooking party the word “cute” is used approximately a billion times? Who gives a shit if they sit around and glue photos of their fat families dressed in matching golf shirts to paper covered in teddy bears?

Oh, but I do care. I care so much. OH MY GOD I CARE SO MUCH I CAN BARELY SLEEP AT NIGHT!