You squeeze. You smash. You stomp. You use a hammer, but still you can’t manage the simple task of applying toothpaste to your brush!
There has got to be a less-reasonable way!
Your pathetic dumb ass is in luck. Introducing Touch-N-Brush, the magic toothpaste machine that does all the work while you do nothing more complicated than sticking something into something. It’s so easy even an idiot like you can get the hang of it after only 30 or 40 tries.
Thanks to your new toothpaste robot, you will never have to clean the bathroom again! Sticky bathroom sinks are a thing of the past, unless you have a teenage son, because I promise you that kid is jerking off in that sink at least twice a week. Probably the kitchen sink too. What is wrong with that kid?
Did your husband throw you down the stairs for walking in front of the TV during Monday Night Football? No problem pretty lady, you can still use Touch-N-Brush with only one arm. One fucking arm! Can you fucking believe that shit?
Are your kids also too stupid to operate toothpaste? Fuck ’em, who cares about those little shits. If it wasn’t for them you would probably be the world’s most awesome and cool and most richest rock star. Those kids stole your dream, Steve, so let their little mouths bleed.
“But what if I accidentally put rat poison in my Touch-N-Brush, will the dang thing kill me and my family?” Yes, yes it will.
I heard that the original title of the new Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank and her teeth was “Amelia Earhart: Jus’ Wavin’.” Judging from the trailer, this would have been an appropriate title.
I count at least 12 people waving in this trailer, not including the double wave by Swank at 1:35! Considering this represents less than 2 minutes of the film, I am conservatively estimating that the movie itself contains approximately 8,437 waves. This estimate does not include scenes of waving crowds. With crowd waving included, I would increase that figure to about 3.5 million waving hands.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch people wave almost as much as I enjoy waving myself. In high school I was Vice President of the Waving Club and after college I thought briefly about turning pro. Sadly, an unfortunate incident with a ceiling fan put an end to my waving career. Sure, I still do a little waving on the weekends when the weather is nice but it’s nothing like when I was at my peak.
Maybe Amelia Earhart should have spent a little less time waving and a little more time not crashing into the ocean.
I hate anything that has to do with shins, eyeballs or gums. Gums are profoundly disgusting to me. I take good care of my teeth and brush several times a day but I would rather get a salsa colonic than floss. I recently started flossing every night, rather than once a week, and it’s ruining my life. Every time that tiny string shoots through my teeth and slams into that little gum flap I practically faint.
Can’t they invent a laser or something that will do my flossing for me in the blink of an eye while I flex my muscles in the mirror. Oh yeah, I should mention that I always floss in the nude. There I set you up for some jokes, let’s see what ya got!
Have you seen this banner ad online yet? I see it, plus other variations, all the time and it just does not sit well with me. It makes me want to shower. My brain wants desperately to figure out which photo is “before” and which is “after” but all I see is before and more before. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, screaming “BEFORE! BEFORE!”
I did a little nosing around about this ad and the site “cathysteeth.com” that it advertises. Turns out there are about 100 variations of this “mom’s blog” all telling the same story but from the beautiful white mouths of different fake moms. Just google the following sentence and you will see what I mean…
I discovered a two-product combination that works better than anyone could have expected
I used to just hate the ad because it made me physically ill, but now I hate it because it’s just another example of people trying to scam each other. Fuck everyone. Not you though, you are my favorite.
