You just made my list!

I’m out for a long weekend, try to not kill yourself. Please enjoy kittens massaging kittens in my absence.

That’s right people, you will have to survive two entire days without my hilarious and important opinions because I’m going on a road trip! If you happen to be attending the World’s Longest Yardsale look for me. I will be the one scoring awesome deals with my Jedi-like haggling abilities. “You WILL give me this Singing Bass for .25¢.”

I suggest going back through my archives and reading the last two years of my correct opinions. Wait, I’ve wasted TWO YEARS doing this? I hate myself.

Suck it.

I know you have had a rough week with God going on yet another killing spree, nabbing Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Paul Gray (Slipknot) with his greedy cloud hands, but I am afraid I have more bad news… I am taking a week off. I’m going to be away from computer machines for most of the week so unless you want me to call you personally for an over-the-phone rant, I will not be able to share my important opinions with you. I know it will be difficult but I believe in you and know you will be able to make it one week without me.

Please do not visit any other so-called websites in my absence.

Fart.

Hey, here’s a great idea, let’s float around the middle of the ocean trapped in a giant mall with a bunch of shitty assholes. If we really get lucky, we can all catch the same mystery illness from our little white trash ecosystem. Don’t worry too much about catching something though, it rarely happens!

Who wants to do this? What’s fun about floating around on a giant Holiday Inn and stopping for only an hour in various ports where the locals descend on you like the pubic lice you will no doubt catch from your bed sheets? Then, every night you are forced to eat dinner with strangers who just can’t stop talking about how much they enjoy reruns of “Tool Time.” They will be referring to “Home Improvement” but will call it Tool Time even though they literally watch it every day.

You know when people disappear form cruise ships? I promise you they are jumping to their deaths after the third day of listening to yokels babble on and on about how “funky” that Paula Deen is.

There is no amount of money that could convince me to waste my vacation on a cruise.*

*I know, I know… there are cool, smaller cruises that go to places like Alaska. I’m not talking about those. Maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

Come to Canada and get killed!

Apparently danger lurks around every corner in Canada. If the crumbling glacier doesn’t get you, the aggressive sea creatures probably will.

Visit Canada and watch the ice caps melt, on your face!

Come to Canada, where you will be sexually assaulted by wild seals!

Canada. Our whales don’t give a fucking fuck!

Canada. Prepare to have your nerd ass tossed off a bridge!

Well, aren’t you just king of the fucking jungle? That’s right alligator, Brad owns your bitch ass just like he rules at medium level Guitar Hero and beer pong. That’s right, shut your pussy mouth, gator, Carol is in control now, just like she’s in charge of the motherfucking office lottery tickets every week. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?

What kind of a pathetic turd do you have to be to take pleasure in fucking around with some poor animal in a misguided attempt to look tough? Are people going to see the photo on your fridge and think it was taken in the wild and you are not the douchebag they secretly always thought you were? I don’t care if it’s an ant or an alligator, if you enjoy tormenting another living creature you are a grade-A piece of shit.

My honest desire is for every jackass who poses for one of these photos to have their heads torn off by these awesome, prehistoric killing machines. I want to see them eaten whole and I want to be there when the gator poops out little scraps of J. Crew and, ironically, Crocs. I want their families to watch as a fed up alligator grabs Daddy by his fat face and drags him underwater leaving only his soiled denim shorts and NASCAR hat behind. Ahhhhh, let me take a moment to daydream about that a little longer…

These clips are like porn to me. Go get ’em gators!

I saw A LOT of short, sassy mom hair last week on vacation starting with this gem of a hairdo at the airport. This woman wants the world to know that the kids are in college and she’s ready to put on a comfortable pair of Crocs and get tipsy on 1 and a half margaritas. Oh what the hay, she might even order it with salt on the rim. I’m guessing someone is going to get his bald head rubbed too.

The thing that makes sassy mom hair so special is the fact that, unlike the mullet, it’s party up front and an even bigger party in the back. The whole fucking head is in party mode!

Wait, do I like sassy hair or hate it? I can’t tell anymore.

Shut up, I’m still on vacation!

Some brilliantly stupid awesome dumbness from these idiots – jabooodydubs.com

Mighty Putty

Big Shitty Slider Station

Being lazy is easier then ever with the gopher!