You just made my list!

Have you ever been sitting around your trailer at 3am and thought, “Well, I have five pieces of bacon and four paper towels, how can I turn this into something?”

Are you wealthy enough to own a microwave*? Then guess what Jethro? YOU-ARE-IN-LUCK! Genius and all around loud person, Rachael Ray, has developed a “recipe” that even your pathetically stupid ass can manage. The creativity doesn’t stop with the recipe, Rachael has even given her creation a catchy name… “Late Night Bacon!”

At first I was confused because when I go trolling for street-walking prostitutes I refer to them as Late Night Bacon, and although both activities require at least four paper towels, I eventually figured out Rach was talking about something completely different.

So sit back and enjoy Rachael Ray’s Late Night Bacon recipe. I recommend reading the comments (including one from me buried in there somewhere).

*It’s like a TV that you stick your food and wet socks into.

FUCK!

Why? Why is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV so awesome when all I want to do is hate him?

It’s easy to despise Tom Cruise when he’s jumping on your couch and babbling on and on about space monsters, but then, out of nowhere, the guy has the nerve to be so insanely kickass that we have no choice but to engage in a worldwide slow clap.

It’s hard to decide on the appropriate emotion when his name is spoken. Instantly I think about what a bag of turds the guy was when he was telling Brooke Shields to just get over her depression already and climb aboard the Millennium Falcon with him, and then WHAM, I catch a rerun of “TAPS” or “Risky Business” on cable and suddenly I just want to squeeze those fat cheeks and initiate the most monumental tickle-fight the known universe has ever seen. He’s like an abusive boyfriend, he hits me because he loves me so much. MAVERICK!

While the rest of our lazy asses were sitting at Outback Steakhouse jamming Bloomin’ Onions into our greasy mouths, this fucking guy was dangling from the world’s tallest building in Dubai. Guess what? I’d be afraid to even GO to Dubai because I hear you go to jail for holding hands in public. I like holding hands, sue me.

Oh, by the way, he remained as cool as his character in “Cocktail” while hanging from that tiny rope 2000 feet in the air. What have YOU done lately?

God damn you Cruise.

UPDATE!

Here are some stunt men at the top of the same building, scouting locations for the film. Oh and by the way, ONE GUY ISN’T EVEN WEARING A SAFETY HARNESSES! Cut your dick off because these guys win.

I spent most of the night helping my girlfriend (sorry ladies) remove a virus from her PC, so NO POST FOR YOU!

I hate PCs. I hate every single thing about PCs!

Discuss.

Have you seen the new video for “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars,” Jared Leto’s shit emo band? Of course you haven’t because you aren’t a 13-year-old girl. The premise is basically this… Jared Leto and his band check into a hotel with 10 suitcases of eyeliner and a desire to shit all over Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Then some screaming and intense glaring at the camera happens. Oh yeah, then Jared Leto fucks Jared Leto in a hallway.

What can be said about the McDonald’s “Don’t Talk To Me” coffee commercial? For starters, FUCK OFF!

It’s pointless for me to waste your time talking about what a dick head, asshole, douchebag this guy is. What really gets me about this commercial is that we, the audience, are expected to believe a lot of stupid shit for this commercial to work.

1) This turd actually found someone desperate enough to be his roommate, possibly even his friend.

2) Strangers on the street and public transportation always greet you with a warm hello. Oh boy, I hope the tall sweaty guy sits next to me, I can’t wait to wish him a good morning!

3) This guy’s sole purpose in life is to drink his fucking precious coffee, yet when he wanders into McDonald’s he has no idea they sell coffee? When presented with the opportunity to hear more about this so-called “coffee”  he acts as if the woman behind the counter just offered him a handjob. “What? You sell coffee? That’s great news, I was just walking around like a giant douchebag looking for coffee and, much to my surprise, you here at this restaurant that serves breakfast also have coffee! How do you pronounce the name of this restaurant, I might just have to tell my friend about it. Is it mock-dan-lords… mick-doogles… mac-john-john’s?”

4) Drinking coffee makes you forget the difference between a sweater and a scarf. The guy drinks one coffee on his way to a busy day of masturbating in the public library and suddenly he’s telling non-scarf-wearing girls he likes their scarves, and acts like scarf-wearing girls are wearing invisible scarves. Dick.

Talk to me.

Yes, once again I have failed you. I had a long, busy weekend and simply had to choose between watching “Undercover Boss” or writing more bullshit about bullshit. Luckily I chose Undercover Boss because now I know the secret code for poop floating in a pool… AFR (Accidental Fecal Release). Who needs school when you have the TV machine to teach you everything you need to know.

Unofficially this post is about a link my friend who lives in the Stockton California area sent me. Good fucking lord, what the hell is going on in California? I can barely remember the last time I punched someone in the face for eating the last pork chop or burned my mother’s deceased body in the backyard BBQ pit.

So sit back and enjoy some of the scariest mugshots you will ever see. Don’t forget to read about their charming crimes too!

Oh, and fuck you Monday, I hate you.

Take a nice long look at our future. We are fucking doomed.

Haven’t bought your copy of “Flirtexting,” the exciting new guide to flirting via text messages yet? Oh man are you dumb! No wonder you aren’t married yet you stupid piece of shit, you are texting all wrong!

For example, when a guy texts you at 3 am saying “hhey gurl wha yo u doingf wanna blowjon me” how would you know to respond with “I guess so, might as well.” Guess what? You just FLIRTEXTED! You are on your way to a rich and fulfilling life.

These two geniuses actually found a secret formula to make men do what they want… via text. I know, can you believe women finally know the secret? Up until now, getting a man to do what you want was virtually impossible.

And such a noble pursuit, controlling men with your cell phone. Their parents must be so proud.

Doomed.

Great, now look at the camera – click click – perfect, now look down – click click – great, great – click – I love it – click click click – Beautiful! Let’s try something totally outrageous, something that has never been tried before. Let’s try one where you are taking a drag off a cigarette. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but you’ve got to trust me on this one, I think it will make you look like the biggest bad ass that has ever lived. What’s that, you don’t smoke? Well it’s time to learn if you ever expect to be awesome. You want to look cool and mysterious, right? OK, here we go – click – YEAH, I LOVE IT – click click – Ooooh, the choking is great, keep doing that – click click

We get it, you’re a bad boy. You wear distressed Motley Crüe T-shirts that you paid $300 for in Beverly Hills and, as much as your mother begs, you simply refuse to quit smoking. Congratulations celebrity tough guys, you are exactly as cool as a teenage boy.

To be honest, I blame the photographers for perpetrating this cliché over and over like a bunch of high school photo students shooting pictures of a single flower poking through the snow. Deep, very deep.