You just made my list!

Sorry guys. I know last week was lame so I had a full week of good stuff to rant about but I have to attend to a family matter for a couple days so I will hopefully be back and complaining Tuesday morning.

If only there was a way to combine my love of sandwiches with tennis ball packaging.

From now on when I head to a kickass beach party I’m grabbing a six-pack of Coors Light and a sixer of BBQ chicken sandwiches. I’m also bringing a six-pack of condoms because when the ladies see me pop the top off a fresh sammie they’re going to be like, “I wish that guy eating canned sandwiches over there would get me pregnant,” and I’m going to be like, “You wish,” and then she’s going to be like, “Yeah, that’s what I just said,” and I’ll be like, “That’s what she said,” and she’ll be like, “Wait, I can’t tell if you are kidding or you just can’t understand what I’m saying,” and then I’ll smash the empty Candwich can on my head and be like, “I just ate a canned sandwich so, yeah, I’d say I’m basically the shit. Now let’s do it.” Yet another girl goes home with a little PB&J all over her body. NEXT!

I don’t hate the concept of the Candwich. How could I? Sandwich in a can? Yeah, that’s perfectly normal and awesome. I do, however, take issue with the fact that the Candwich creator, Travis L. Wright, was able to talk a bunch of Utah investors out of $145,000,000 in order to make his dream of canned lunch a reality. Well technically they thought they were investing in real estate and Wright was secretly using their money to cram hoagies into soda cans. The point is, this guy had a dream and found a way to scam people in order to make it a reality. Why don’t I have that kind of resourcefulness?

Oh sure, it’s easy for you to sit there on your high horse and call Travis Wright a thief and a fraud but why don’t you take a bite of this turkey and Swiss before you pass judgment. Here, wash it down with a can of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Apology accepted.

What’s wrong Rush, afraid of a little rain? What’s the deal Geddy, didn’t want the moist air to wreck your beautiful hair? Pussholes!

Thanks for making me drive through Chicago rush (hey!) hour traffic, park, take a shuttle filled with inconceivable body odor, stand outside in the rain for an hour and buy (and drink) an $11 Bud Light just so you can cancel the concert. I drank a God Damn Bud Light for you fucking hosers!

Then you have the unbelievable nerve, the unmitigated gall, to reschedule the concert on 9/11. Take off, eh! It’s official, Rush hates America.

Oh, and you owe my friend an umbrella to replace the one the cock-licking cock-ass venue security confiscated.

And once again, fuck you Chicago weather!

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

WHOOPS! All day yesterday I thought it was Friday. Guess what I don’t do on Friday? That’s right, I don’t share my hilariously important opinions on Fridays.

So everyone loses! Well, maybe we all won.

I feel that I owe you something, so here’s further proof that God hates parkour and does his best to sterilize all who participate in it.

Happy Birthday America! You are the best and never do anything wrong!

Bruce Willis is really a ghost. Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson are really superheroes. Water kills aliens and Mel Gibson’s wife tells him to swing some dumb baseball bat on her deathbed. The village is really an experiment and the movie actually takes place in modern times. The lady in the water is, I don’t know, magic or something. Plants are making people commit suicide.

SPOILER ALERT! Whoops, I did that wrong.

Feel free to send me thank you cards and gifts for saving you from wasting several hours of your life sitting through this bullshit. I prefer vintage acoustic guitars. (No Spanish or classical guitars please and obviously pre-1970)

First of all, how did a guy named M. Night Shyamymallanam7an even find work in Hollywood? What ever happened to directors with names like JOHN FORD and COEN BROTHERS? To be honest, I don’t have the five minutes it takes to say M. Night Shyamama$llayaymama, I’ve got shit to do, pal. I have a recall on my car to repair something that might cause my car to burst into flames and it has gone ignored for over 4 years, what makes you think I’m going to have time to pronounce your fucked-up name?

Remember when we all saw The Sixth Sense for the first time? After the movie we walked to our cars excitedly talking over each other, saying things like, “I never saw it coming” and “that kid who saw dead people was sooooo good” and “I totally can’t wait to rent this at Blockbuster on VHS video tape format so I can look for clues.” Well, we were a bunch of assholes. The sooner we can admit it the sooner we can begin the healing process.

UPDATE. Watch this.

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast is shoving the internet up its own ass! I’ve been without an internet connection for over 14 hours now and it’s seriously cramping my style. How will I keep up with every single cute thing my Facebook friends’ kids say? Don’t even get me started on an ENTIRE DAY without porn! I hate you Comcast, I want my porn back!

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me to not run you over while you cross the street. I was seconds away from slamming my foot down on the gas pedal and running your cranky ass over when, out of nowhere, BAM you put that hand in my face, commanding me to think twice about the murder I was about to commit. I especially appreciated that you also gave me the stink-eye the entire time you walked from curb to curb as if to say, “I know you wanted to run me over but I forbid it. FORBID IT!”

People are the worst.