You just made my list!

Goodbye, turds.

No, you are not turds. Well, some of you are. Wait, when I really think about it, I have dealt with an incredible amount of turds and turd-related activities on this website. To be honest though, it was those turds who got me out of bed each morning. I LOVE all the hate mail that continues to pour in every day, it truly does make my day. I salute you, turds!

But where does that leave you, the non-turd? Well, I love you even more. Yes, even I have the ability to love.

If I may be human for one brief moment, I really have loved hearing from all of you over the last few years but the reality is that I simply do not have the time or energy to continue writing. You may not be able to tell from my past writing, but I actually really put effort into this site and I don’t want to continue unless I feel I can give it my best effort.

“Fuck you Listy, how hard can it be to rant about Guy Fieri?!?”

What did you just say to me? Do you have any idea how much vomit I choked down over the past 3 years while writing about powerful enemies like Guy Fieri, Miracle Whip and corn? Holy shit, I just realized something, if Guy Fieri has a recipe that involves slathering corn on the cob with Miracle Whip I might have to kill myself.

Back to the point… Dedicating 5 nights a week to my genius opinions was taxing but I did it for you, the little people. And WOW, was I good at it! Not to mention, all the hilarious writing I did (and continue to do) in the comments. I really am great, just like you guys always tell me. I’m high-fiving myself. Now I’m taking off my shirt and karate kicking the air while singing a Kid Rock song. I don’t know if it’s a real Kid Rock song but when I sing about America, tits and eagles I just assume it’s probably one of his songs.

So, as much as I hate to say it, I think it’s time for me to close up shop. It feels weird to make it official but all moderately good things must eventually fizzle and die a slow, forgetful death. Like Aerosmith.

I’m trying to find just the right words to sign off with. Something sincere, poignant and heartfelt. Perhaps I will simply say this…

Everything is the worst.

Goodbye.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I’m still fucking awesome! I’m going to try to write something this week about the future of this site. Stop crying about it!

Hey jerks, remember how I said I had a book offer and I totally blew it off? Well, that was true but also a lie. The truth is this, I have actually been working on something HUGE and I can finally talk about it. Sort of.

Let’s just say your hero and savior, Listy, will soon be on your stupid flat screen TV. Well not me personally, but You Just Made My List, as a concept, will.

I’m going to be so fucking famous! I can’t wait to go to pool parties at Guy Fieri’s mansion!

More later!

I continue to fail you on a daily basis. The fucking holidays and a German trade show are killing me. So in place of my usual impeccable opinions I will simply recycle something I just saw on another site. I’m not even original. Are you starting to understand why blogs suck yet?

I loved ALF when it originally aired. It had to be one of the most fucked up shows ever green-lighted for television. Anyway, here’s seven minutes of ALF outtakes featuring a foul-mouthed puppet doing cocaine and using the N-word while pretending to have Tourette syndrome. And you thought it wasn’t a good show.

So there’s no post today but it’s not my fault. Last night was my office Christmas party and I’m surprised I’m even alive. I’m pretty sure I got someone pregnant last night but I don’t know if it was Janet from accounting or Keith the IT guy. Let’s just sum up the night with a list of things I witnessed with my own eyes… a woman throwing up into her own lap, a tow truck, a small electrical fire, 5 breasts, 1 penis (not including my own), my boss’s daughter forcing me to watch her strip totally nude in the bathroom, shoplifting, public urination, a man eat an entire XL pizza in under 7 minutes and a dog wearing pants.

Also, none of that is true, except the boss’s daughter stripping in the bathroom, that really happened but it was 12 years ago. Honestly, I was just too tired last night to write. My office party is Friday but I work with 3 people so the chance of crazy antics is low. I am sorry.

Shut up and watch this instead…

The original, in case you are not old like me

Just wrapping up another 15 hour work day! Ahhhh life, you are a constant joy. The end result is me neglecting my duties as world’s best blogger.

Here’s a cat with its head in a bag. Shut up.

Prepare to be disappointed by me this week because I’m not going to have much free time to write. Perhaps that is the opposite of disappointing to you. Either way, it’s the holidays, I’m working my dick off, I’m driving all over the Midwest seeing family and I’m not finding a lot of time to express my correct opinions about everything. I’m going to do my best to be back tomorrow.

Suck it.

It’s amazing that an actor trying to be cartoonishly annoying can’t even come close to being as annoying as the real Guy Fieri. Very funny though. Thanks to Ken for tipping me off to this nice piece of Guy Fieri bashing. Sadly, Guy Fieri is too fucking dumb to realize this is a joke on him. He will see this and think “Am I really THAT money?”